beabadoobee: she wrote my heart out

beabadoobee's lyrics give voice to the love i feel surging through me today; plus the exhaustion coursing through my body & soul

for over a month now, ever since being evicted from my home shortly after my own subjective experience taught me that i was a goddess, i have received no externally generated validation for any of my claims about either reality or love;

and i have struggled to overcome every temptation:

🩷the idea that i am simply experiencing disassociation or derealization, when in truth i am only paying attention to new details

🩷the idea that i am not cool enough to be friends with people like claire cottrill and phoebe bridgers, neither of whom has acknowledged my writing in any way

🩷the idea that i can convince my family to love me for me, and that i should invest time & energy into doing so when i could be focused on my own personal growth

🩷the realization that i have the skills, education, knowledge, and expertise to simply go into business and make massive amounts of money (actually this has not tempted me; i would rather sit inside these feelings of love, let them surge through my soul)

🩷the idea that i should conform to the behavioral expectations of my parents because then i would be more likely to be allowed to see my baby (my “concerning behavior” has repeatedly been named as a reason for my parents' agreement with the indefinite withdrawal of my affection from my baby, for whom i cared for over a year without a single incident)

🩷the knowledge that some of my oldest friends have unsubscribed from my blog, blocked my phone number, betrayed & lied to me — because they realized i was on the opposite side of this war; or because they thought they knew what was best for me; or because they concluded i had lost my mind when i declared my love for claire cottrill and phoebe bridgers on my blog

🩷the certainty that no matter how much i write, some people will never do more than scroll up and down, screaming in distress at the quantity of screenshots

but today i was full blossom.

today i did not care, do not care about these people.

even as i typed all that, reviewing the obstacles i have faced, i felt:

love surging through me.

love for claire,

love for phoebe,

love for every fucking girlie artist who ever helped to save me,

love for the friends who have stood beside me,

love for the people who have guided me,

love for the teachers who have passed through my life,

love for every fucking person who has helped me transform into my own radiant self.

i listened to this entire playlist today while walking around grand rapids wearing my new lavender beats, my lavender self-love sweater, my lavender shoes — i fucking told you Lavender is Rising!

and love was surging through me all around grand rapids.

i posted commentary for every fucking song on my instagram.

love was surging:

and when i finished, i felt like i’d reached the top at last:

how could i express the love i am feeling, i wondered?

how could i fully express my fucking exhaustion???

how could i tell the world how much i love the artists who saved me, the friends who loved me, the people who truly knew and know me?

how?

i overcame so much to blossom today,

and it’s all because of them,

the multitudes who loved me.

claire always reminds me about them:

Dum, dum, dum, dum

When the moon begins to hide
It's not over
In the window, turnin' light
Does not mean goodbye

And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
I know you've got people to turn to
And too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
I know you've got people to turn to

now i see they were always there,

even when my music wasn’t playing,

waiting on the other side of the fence,

and i finally hopped over,

I don't know when you got taller
See our reflection in the water
Off a bridge at the Huntington
I hopped the fence when I was 17
Then I knew what I wanted

landed on the other side,

a teenage girl in her 30s.

thank you beabadoobee for finding the words, through your own separate experiences, that still found a way to help me feel the love i am even more strongly than before; you’ve helped me get so much more in touch with this experience.

---

“patched up”

by

beabadoobee

---

You're alright, you're still breathing
Even though you feel dead sometimes
You'll be fine, you're still eating
Even though it doesn't last sometimes

i’m so fucking tired after today and all the days of temptation to come before.

but i’m still breathing here at the top of everest.

i do feel dead sometimes,

i even cry out: “when? when is this over?”

“you said it was temporary.”

but i’m still going out to eat, meeting people, having loving interactions with other beings. i’m still doing all this,

i’m still breathing.

and i know that whatever my haters say,

i’m on the right track:

'Cause even if your eyes are black
Your bones are always gold
'Cause they've climbed up every mountain
That no story's every told
'Cause even if your bags are packed
You'll never leave your home
'Cause you're scared of all the monsters
That are waiting to unfold

it’s true bea:

my bones are made of gold, and you started teaching me that when i first started listening to this album in 2021.

it’s true: i’ve climbed so many mountains.

but bea:

i am still scared of what’s to come, even here on the top of everest.

Blank noise, is an awful sound
And it hurts my ears, I don't know how
My name's just a silhouette
Hiding under all the sound down

so what’s beneath the surface of beabadoobee?

i’m too tired to figure it out.

---

You haven't been good for long
Is it the sound of your own thoughts
That always keeps you up at night?
Maybe it's time to say goodbye
'Cause I'm getting pretty fucking tired

it’s not time to say goodbye,

it’s time to say hello,

but even so:

i’m getting pretty fucking tired,

and there are so many thoughts keeping me up at night.

still i continue.

You haven't felt right for days
Is it the fact you never say
What comes in your mind that day?
Maybe it's time to shut away
'Cause I've never really felt okay

Christ bea.

is this what they want?

the people who say,

“we want the old andrew back”?

the andrew who never truly said what came to his mind?

the andrew who was constantly fucking performing?

the andrew who hadn’t felt right for one day in his entire fucking life?

cuz he never really felt okay, and you helped me see that bea.

you saved me.

i’m not andrew anymore;

i’m eloise-hypatia,

and even if i’m tired,

i’m still a fucking warrior.

'Cause I've been eating less all day
To give my brain some extra space to think
'Bout all the things to do to help
Distract me from the rude of heart

thanks for summing up so much of my october.

i was eating less; i was eating so much candy!

and my brain was so hyper focused on the rude of heart:

my parents, my sisters, my friends who abandoned me and called me unwell.

“do you need me to call someone?” one asked me.

and another betrayed me.

at least one betrayed me.

it was so hard to see the people who loved me,

but now i see them all.

now i have no need for the people who rejected me.

now i demand the love i deserve.

so please claire,

if you’re reading this,

won’t you:

---

If you wanna dance then
Dance with me

It's pretty fast but
This is what you do at parties, right

And I know it's hard to tell
But I think I really like you

Just take it slow
And move your feet to the beat

'Cause if we dance then
You don't have to speak

And I know it's hard to tell
But I think I really like you

---

you know what else claire?

i have to tell you this,

if you’re reading this,

which i have no evidence for,

but even so,

i feel it:

every single fucking moment when i’m alone with your music:

i feel it:

'Cause you're my cru-cru-crush
And I like you very much
And I'd appreciate if you'd like me back
But it's okay 'cause you make my heart
An art class
An art class

you make my heart an art class claire.

so please:

---

If you wanna take me
Go ahead and try my head
Experience is nothing compared to
The sleep paralysis in my bed

If you wanna love me
Try to get inside my brain
Experience is nothing compared to
The nights I'm always up so late

Bed bugs in my mind
Keep them all alive
Insomnia creeps at night
Sleep paralysis 'til I die, die

If you want, you could stay with me in my bed
If you want to, only if you want to
If you want, you can go ahead and fix my head
If you want to, only if you want to

If you wanted to

If you try to

Wishing I still had my dreams
Late night started, take up space
'Cause every time I try to remember
Lack of sleep takes half my brain

Bed bugs in my mind
Keep them all alive
Insomnia creeps at night
Sleep paralysis 'til I die, die

'Cause if you want, you could stay with me in my bed
If you want to, only if you want to
If you want, you can go ahead and fix my head
If you want to, only if you want to

Use some pesticides and throw it in my brain
If you want to, only if you want to
Bed bugs keep me up at night and I'm going insane
If they try to, only if they try to

If you wanted to

If you try to

'Cause if you want, you could stay with me in my bed
If you want to, only if you want to
If you want, you can go ahead and fix my head
If you want to, only if you want to

Use some pesticides and throw it in my brain
If you want to, only if you want to
Bed bugs keep me up at night and I'm going insane
If they try to, only if they try to

there’s a lot to take out of this song claire.

your music already threw the pesticides in my brain.

your music already took care of the bed bugs in my mind.

your music already made me fall in love with you.

i miss all those dreams i had:

i was looking for your music.

now i have your music forever.

---

Don't wanna be eighteen with responsibilities
Sometimes I get scared of growing up
Entering a world with broken dreams
Sometimes I get scared and throw it all up

And June the third is
Coming closer and I'm
Nowhere near closure

Don't wanna be eighteen when I can't ride a bike
Still hang onto my sheets during storms
In my bed I'm ten but I can't shut my eyes
I still wish I wore a school uniform

this captures so much of how i felt before i found your music claire.

i entered the world with broken dreams.

i was so scared of growing up.

i never felt the motivation to invest in the vibes like

Kristen Garaffo

taught me.

but now i do feel that motivation:

now i feel so much love surging through me for so many people in this beautiful world.

thank you claire,

thank you so much for Charm.

you’re fucking divinely inspired claire.

---

this one i can only sit with,

this one i can only imagine.

could any of it ever be true?

either way,

i have your music claire,

and i have your music forever.

Think I saw you on the bus just yesterday
Wearing that blue shirt you said you liked that day
The image now is just blurred in my mind

But do you recall
The time we talked
The day you held my hand

We were by a station
The sky was dark in sight
The moon was out
But the sun was in your eyes
No one talked
But I did
You listened
You said you liked the way I spoke

I think I saw you in my dream last night
It was cold with lots of pretty lights
The image now is just blurred in my mind

But do you recall
The time we talked
The day you kissed me

We were by an archway
With flowers cascading round the roof
Standing under my winter coat to shelter us
You said you liked the way I spoke

And if you'd like to hold my hand
It would bring back all the things we had
And if god would do take that all away
Wouldn't that be a shame?

---

thank you bea.

i fucking love you.