how chappell roan helped me continue to obliterate my ego and learn how to better respect other people

there are two chappell roan songs which hit me like ghosts seeking to haunt me

in the last few days, with much opportunity for reflection, i have learned some additional lessons about how i can behave more compassionately in the world.

Caitlin: looking into the light of how i treated you

Caitlin, today when i was driving, this song came on:

and as i listened to the words, i looked into the light.

i followed my own advice and i truly looked into the details of how i treated you.

i don’t even need to review the details here, because somehow so many of them made their way into this song in different manifestations.

i cannot listen to a single word of this song without thinking of how i treated you Caitlin; this song makes me look into the light so thoroughly that i began sobbing in my car, uncontrollably, as i remembered the things i did to you, as i contemplated the therapy you needed because of me, as i thought about what i did to your self-esteem.

Caitlin: you loved me so deeply. you saw this inner radiance from the very beginning, from the moment you met me, and then i proceeded to hold that radiance inside and treat you like a piece of shit.

An open apology to Caitlin

as i listened to this song, i looked up into the sky and i begged for forgiveness even though i couldn’t see the clouds through my tears. i just kept crying and crying.

then i forced myself to listen to the song again without crying.

i forced myself to stop thinking, “am i a bad person? am i a good person?”, and i simply stared into the details of how i treated you.

i will keep staring Caitlin.

i will never forget how i treated you.

i will listen to this song every single day as a reminder of who i used to be.

it’s not forgiveness i’m after:

it’s action on my part.

i am done analyzing the question: “am i a good person???”

i have done bad things in my life: it’s time to make up for them. and when i continue to make mistakes, i will learn from those too.

whether i’m good or bad does not matter, Caitlin.

what matters is what always mattered and i simply didn’t see:

how you feel.

that is why i will listen to this song every day for the rest of my life. i will think about how i made you feel. i will reflect on what i did.

i will look into the light of my own raw reality without regard to implications for my reputation, my legacy, or my career prospects.

i only want to look into the reality of how i treated you now Caitlin,

and i want to use that understanding to nurture positive change in this world.

[Verse 1]
My friends call me a loser
'Cause I'm still hanging around
I've heard so many rumors
That I'm just a girl that you bang on your couch
I thought you thought of me better
Someone you couldn't lose
You said, "We're not together"
So now when we kiss, I have anger issues

[Pre-Chorus]
You said, "Baby, no attachment"
But we're

[Chorus]
Knee-deep in the passenger seat and you're eating me out
Is it casual now?
Two weeks and your mom invites me to her house in Long Beach
Is it casual now?
I know what you tell your friends
It's casual, if it's casual now
Then baby, get me off again
If it's casual, it's casual now

---

Julia: looking into the light of how i ghosted you

i went on a few dates with a girl named Julia in DC back in 2011.

Julia and i shared a passion for bosnia, world politics, and travel.

Julia was another girl who saw the beauty in me.

but after a few hook-ups,

i just fucking ghosted her after she had gone down on me.

and i cannot even fucking believe that shit.

what the fuck was my deal???

i wanted to have penetrative sex and you didn’t????

fuck.

what the fuck.

but i am not going to care anymore about what these details being out in the world mean for my reputation, my legacy, my career; my image as a “femininomenon”

these words and identities and concepts do not matter whatsoever when compared to how i made you feel after you told me so much about my own inner radiance.

what i care about now: how i made you feel.

and i will listen to this song every single day for the rest of my life as a reminder of how i used to act in this world.

this song does not apply to us as well as the other song does to me and Caitlin: but even so, the spirit of the song makes me think about how i treated you,

and for that reason,

i will listen to this song every day for the rest of my life.

i will look into the light of how i treated you.

Can't meet you for dinner at the Italian place
It's where I met your family, some words were exchanged
I'd suggest the jazz bar on MaryAnn Street but
You'd buy me a drink and we know where that leads, so

I'll meet you for coffee 'cause if we have wine
You'll say that you want me, I know that's a lie
If I didn't love you, it would be fine
I'll meet you for coffee, only for coffee
Nowhere else is safe, every place leads back to your place

You said let's do the park 'cause I love the park
That may be true but god forbid it gets dark
Here come the excuses that fuel the illusions
But I'd rather feel something than nothing at all, so

I'll meet you for coffee 'cause if we have wine
You'll say that you're sorry, I know that's a lie
If I didn't trust you, it would be fine
I'll meet you for coffee, only for coffee
Nowhere else is safe, every place leads back to your-

We've done this before
And I don't need it anymore

So let's not do coffee, let's not even try
It's better we leave it and give it some time
If I didn't love you, it would be fine
'Cause If we do coffee, it's never just coffee
It's never just coffee

Brianna: respecting boundaries

my friend Brianna sent me very adamant texts this week informing me that i have been violating her boundaries by texting her too often and expressing my feelings to her in ways that make her uncomfortable.

Brianna:

thank you so fucking much for telling me that.

i truly needed to hear that, seriously.

didn’t i already write this fucking post??????????????

what my anger taught me about my ego

“who am i to make you listen to me?”

that’s what i asked Brianna.

and then what did i do????

to you???? one of my closest friends????

i tried to make you listen to me.

i am so sorry Brianna.

i will read my post about my ego every day for the rest of my life as a reminder that i must remember: “who the fuck am i to make you listen to me?”

fuck my ego.

i see now how my attachment to my ego has caused so much agony for others.

i am so sorry Brianna.

---

Conclusion

so often on this blog i have said:

look into the light,

look into the detail,

detail is the only reality.

was i still attached, though, to the idea i needed to be defined as a “good person”?

is that why i am only just now sharing these details about myself on this blog????

no, it’s not.

here is the real reason why:

since early august i have been writing and writing and writing about my experiences, and as a result i see everything more clearly:

i see the cold and indifferent and arrogant being i have been.

i see the callousness with which i have forced my feelings on others.

as i said,

i am not interested in forgiveness.

i am interested in action.

and i will never stop fighting to make sure men stop treating women the way i have treated the three of you.

you too Emily:

An open apology to Emily