i miss my baby

i do not know when i will see him again, but i will always remember him in my arms

nothing has been the same since the night my baby son went away from me.

once my baby was gone, i lost all sense of purpose for the physical world around me in my home. it felt as though these objects had been assembled for my family, and decades of a future life vanished before my eyes: my baby, who once cuddle with me every single day as I cared for him full time for 15 months, is gone, and I am told I can care for him again after I complete a mental treatment program.

I am trying so hard to hold onto the feeling of my baby. I can still feel his skin. I can still smell his head when I kiss his hair. I can still sense the weight of his body as he sits on my lap and I read to him. I know he is out there, wondering about me: I know my face is in his mind and that he misses me. I am afraid he will be so much older when I see him again. These people tell me they’d love for me to be a part of his life: but only if I change my behavior and complete a mental health treatment program.

i can sense how my baby disappears from me. I thought I had so much longer to savor caring for him, but now I think I was wrong about that. The way our noses touched. The way he would rush in to me and hug me and squeeze me. The way he would smile when he saw me. We were together almost every day, just about all day, for 15 months: and now I do not know when I will see him again.

there is such an intense emptiness inside of me tonight.

photo my own