night walks, fireworks, and him inside me (an american's first time in europe)
E travels across the ocean to visit his "friend" who is studying in germany: can E become both sufficiently un-american and also sufficiently "european" to be cool enough for K?
erotic content
this is a work of fiction
all photos © andrew jelinek
weed cookies before venturing into the night
we are walking through the forest at night during christmas vacation when we are both home from university. each of us studies out of the area: i am a student at a small school in the upper peninsula, while K is a student in cologne… in germany!!!
what!!!
we were so close in high school: now i only see him two or three times a year.
last year he was in freiburg for new year’s and christmas: his girlfriend studies there and i guess her parents also live around there? i don’t know; he rarely mentions F.
when i am with K during christmas we always walk outside for hours in the middle of the freezing michigan night. tonight he has acquired an enormous bag of weed cookies. he has no idea how much marijuana is in each cookie.
we are both planning on eating a whole before we go out the door!!
i’ve barely done drugs before but K does them all the time.
journal entry (summer)
the best part of my year is christmas. that is when K and i see each other. we go for our walks and he is right there beside me. i can’t wait for K to be here during christmas!
(all photos my own)
in the snow at last with K
it’s one in the morning and it’s lightly snowing outside.
for so many months, i’ve been waiting to be in the snow with K.
when i open the door, still chewing my cookie, christmas lights are glowing and the snow is glistening for miles down the road in every direction. the whole world is like a snow globe: the sky is not dark; the sky is blossoming blue; and the moon is full.
i can sense K’s breath behind me. i imagine his beard against my face: i can feel it.
he puts his fingers on my neck and tickles me.
i go crashing forward, slipping on the ice.
“oh shit!” he says.
he catches me right before i wipe out.
he lifts me up to him and i look into his eyes, our lips so close.
the thing seems unthinkable: not for him, but for me, and he knows it.
“you’re such a little normie,” he jokes.
he lets go of me and we walk out into the night.
contents:
💖 weed cookies before venturing into the night
💖 in the snow at last with K
💖 the celestial body upon which we walk
💖 germany (one year later)
💖 K disapproves of our döner kebabs
💖 too cool to be excited?
💖 an american faces america’s accusers
💖 look at me world: i’m someone who appreciates cathedrals
💖 fireworks
💖 into the night on new year’s morning
💖 into the brothel
💖 the top floor is the trans woman floor
💖 the empty s-bahn to K’s apartment
💖 morning light on the balcony
💖 you’re just obsessed with my penis, that’s all
💖 sunrise through the bedroom window
journal entry (winter):
one summer when we were kids K and i went to my grandparents’ cabin on the coast of washington. we went out late at night: it was summer and it was warm. we walked along the ocean in the darkness for two hours and i can just be silent with him. i am so excited for K to get here so we can go for a walk!
the celestial body upon which we walk
we walk in silence for a while in the snow, just down the road of his subdivision, and then finally we are walking down a trail in the forest.
then i just start babbling: why, i do not know. i am babbling and babbling, coming up with little jokes that might make him laugh and move a little closer to me, and sometimes i’m bumping into him on purpose but he often moves away. he moves away in such a subtle way: i can’t tell if he even knows i’m trying to make contact.
i love how his wool coat feels when the thick fabric comes up against my own jacket.
his whole coat squishes into mine, compressing everything between us into nothing.
we pause on a bridge above a creek that is partially frozen, water still streaming with a steady tinkle down the center between sheets of ice, and we listen to that water flowing in the dark when suddenly twigs start snapping around us.
“oh my god!” i shriek.
i almost grab him. he laughs at me and gently pats my shoulder.
“there there,” he says. “you poor thing.”
we continue across the bridge and soon we are walking in silence on a trail beside a huge sloping hill to one side and thick dark forest on the other.
“isn’t it amazing,” he suddenly says as we walk, “to think about the fact that we are just moving our bodies across this celestial body floating in fucking space?”
i look at him. he’s still walking, but his eyes are gazing up at the stars.
“and isn’t it insane to think about how we can just take the earth’s energy and make it glow? like have you seen those pictures of the earth all lit up at night? insane.”
i nod, cautious, weirdly hesitant to add onto his insights. we keep walking.
i want to say something too and i start babbling and babbling again. i don’t even know what the fuck i’m talking about. i don’t even know what i’m feeling, but there’s something about the things he’s been saying, and something about the way he’s been so peacefully walking, and something about the way his head tilts back when he looks up at those stars: there’s something about all this that’s making me so swirly inside.
the higher i get the more scared i feel, and the later it gets the colder i am: the more need i feel for a body. i can see our breath steadily emitting into the air as we walk.
there is movement to the left and i see something out there.
“it’s a fucking horse!” i shriek. “it’s a fucking man on a horse!”
“oh my god!” K grabs me. “run! fucking run!”
we sprint away as fast as we can. i am running running running as fast as i can from the man on the horse. i do not know what his intensions are: i do not want to know.
soon i realize i am running alone.
i look behind me, down the trail, and there’s K, just laughing while a light winter fog floats around his wool coat, and he’s smiling at me.
K walks slowly toward me. my heart is fluttering; my fear dissipating; my pants bulging. i want him: there’s no denying it. i’d let him have me right now in the cold.
when he meets me: i stand still on the path, and i am shivering in agony.
i am desperate for K to touch me, and just as my pants start bulging: he rushes forward.
journal entry (previous summer)
K and i love to sit together by the fire in the summertime.
but this year, he will be in germany the entire summer.
i am determined to save as much money as possible and go to cologne to see him one day. i hate missing out on time with K.
he grabs me by the whole body and says, “boo!”
i shriek and jump into him, his heavy coat compressing into nothing between our bodies, and i nestle my face into his chest before he suddenly walks off.
i’m sure he felt my erection against his leg; and i like that.
i follow him.
we walk another hour across this beautiful celestial body: we are floating in the stars.
above: cologne from the main train station
below: the ice train to cologne
germany (one year later)
i am visiting K in europe for a whole week!
20% of all revenue i raise per month after fees will go to the LGBTQ fund of the Grand Rapids Community Foundation, an organization in my community. 💖