there is no such thing as a transphobe (M and W: a clarification)
a special message for W and M (and other readers)
this is the truth:
i was utterly devastated when W cut ties between us after i came out in July.
this is why after writing about my wife, and the trauma i experienced during that relationship, i was suddenly overcome with a need to get W to listen to me.
W not listening to me when i came out was one of the most frustrating experiences of my whole entire life. especially since in the midst of how my wife was speaking to me, he kept saying i needed to focus on my “marriage.”
however, notice: i never called him a transphobe.
why not?
well, here’s the thing:
there’s no such thing as a transphobe. transphobe is a category, not a thing. we see someone displaying certain behaviors: and then we label them as a transphobe.
but this does not mean that the person is a transphobe.
what would it mean to be a transphobe?
is someone a transphobe in the sense that someone is a baseball? a baseball is a baseball; a baseball has no hope of manifesting as a basketball. but a being is not a thing. a being cannot be a transphobe; a being can manifest as a transphobe.
a being is not a thing; a being is nothing.
this is why i never call anyone a transphobe. i think it’s fine to do so, of course: why not label someone according to their behavior? that’s what labels are for! so go ahead and call people transphobes if they deserve it lol whatever. all i’m saying is, on a philosophical level, don’t forget:
there’s no such thing as a transphobe.
it’s important to remember that on a spiritual level.
i would rather focus on the details and help someone see the absurdity of how they are categorizing me or reacting to my behavior.
because no person is a transphobe. what a person is: light.
and what about baseballs? are there even any baseballs?
think about it.
Observer effect:
“implying that the reality we perceive is partially constructed by our observation”
so we construct baseballs when we look at them because we have social constructs of baseballs in our minds and the moment we see something that looks like those constructs well, what do we call it? a baseball.
and yet quantum physics implies this might be happening on a literal level.
meaning the baseball itself exists as a superposition of states, not as one thing.
what do you think?
are you a thing?
or are you a “superposition of states”?
know what i say? i say you’re a superposition of states.
but we don’t see a superposition of states in that moment when we look at each other.
do we?
no. in that moment when you look at someone, you construct him into one thing.
we construct each other when we look at each other.
we call each other all kinds of things.
then we accuse others of “unwellness” when they manifest from a different end of the spectrum: we all exist as these infinite spectrums of light, and then someone comes and tries to keep us as one color.
what the fuck?
what’s the point?
don’t you wanna have some fun darling?
don’t you wanna try on more bracelets?
put on more bracelets; you’ll find something out.
you’ll find out what i say.
i say we are nothing.
i say we are free.
i say i am a spectrum of bracelets.
what about you?
or are you a baseball?
M and W: floating spectrums of light
if you want to call W a transpobe for rejecting me in that moment, okay.
but he is not a transpbobe. he is a superposition of states. a light wave baby.
or do you not get that yet?
sorry about it babe.
anyway, in that moment, his rejection of me actually wasn’t about gender.
it was about a genuine misperception about my relationship with my wife (which also exists as a superposition of states btw). he genuinely believed i was destroying an inherently happy relationship, a nice baseball so to speak, and he also knew i had a history of recent mental illness issues.
so from his perspective, suddenly i’m saying i’m non-binary and i’m dressing differently and i might be getting divorced. he was extremely alarmed:
i get it now. i released all that, and i see him with pure compassion.
from my perspective: the moment i put on bracelets and started wearing girl clothes was the moment i was confident in public.
i don’t really care what you label that. i am not trying to force you to accept me as a specific thing, if you did not get that by now. that’s why i laugh at you when you get all worked up about “are you a demiboy or are you a demigirl.” i am trying to make you believe me when i tell you my experience; and i am using whatever words i can: the words you made aren’t good enough. (you is not W: “you” is a figurative rando)
he would not in that moment: but, like i said, he had genuine reason to be skeptical of me. he had been audience to my depression.
did we talk about our feelings enough?
no.
but this does not mean emptiness was the nature of our relationship.
does it?
i think it’s important to remember that everyone is just light.
and what is light?
light is a wave.
light is a spectrum.
also light is colorful!
do you still not get why i wear so many bracelets?
sorry about it baby.
M and W: a superposition of states
as M says, “relationships are always changing”
M and W exist (for me, in my reality) as superpositions of the following states
💖 seeing how their children laughed in their arms on new year’s eve. that truly did make my heart swirl: that was the moment i knew i wanted to have a baby. i saw how M smiled when she was holding her children and…. i saw so much love then. it made me want to experience that kind of love too.
💖 the way M took pictures for me and my wife at our baby shower. she was smiling so excitedly: she made me feel how special that day was. there were so many people there; we didn’t have a photographer. M hurried around taking pictures of us, documenting every little moment. i loved how clearly she loved us.
💖 being told by M that she wanted me to be the “godfather of their sons religious education.” i actually don’t care so much about the role itself as how much she made me feel seen in that moment. i have always known deep down that i am a spiritual person and… it meant so much when M said that to me.
💖 the way M and i would connect over books (emily henry, sally rooney, etc). M always had good book recommendations and posts thoughtful reviews each month on her facebook.
let me be clear about something:
M is not a transphobe.
neither is W.
both exist as beautiful spectrums of light, as superpositions of states.
if W and i did not connect on a deeper level, it is only because he was held back by something. i know that inside he is a spectrum of light.
if anyone gives either of you a problem at work or in public, please give them my phone number or send them this post as a reference.
my intention is not to harm anyone.
my intention is to help people be more authentic by using examples.
i feel that i went much too far and defined each of you in a way that wasn’t accurate:
i say we are not things, but in that moment what did i do?
i turned you into things.
and what did i do to myself?
i turned myself into an angry being.
i am sorry for it.
i love you both.
each of you is a beautiful spectrum of light,
and each of you has meant so much to me.
each of you still does.
don’t forget what you are.
love,
andrew eloise
(they / she)
💗🌸🎀