you're never fucking muting me again (an open letter)
an open letter to all the people who want me to shut the fuck up
โhe didnโt even know you came out: he muted you years ago.โ
everyone who wants me to suspend my blog is hereby amalgamated into an imaginary villain to whom i am writing an angry letter. multiple experiences have been fused for the purpose of engaging with this one great villain.
so listen carefully:
all the people who want me to shut the fuck up, which is seriously too many people to count, i hereby construct you into an amalgamated being living only inside my nightmares:
and that is where i am going to keep you for as long as i need you there.
i know you canโt stop reading this blog, so hereโs your open letter, which would never have been necessary if you had ever once asked me a question about my feelings.
now i've changed, i've been feeling comfy
but now i've changed, i've been feeling lonely
'cause your photos suck, your brand is shit
you're up your butt
you never really ask me how i am, ask me how i am(beabadoobee, โi wish i was stephen malkmusโ)
i completely reject every single one of your accusations:
๐ that i am unwell
๐ that my behavior on social media in the past 2 months has been โconcerningโ
๐ that my butterfly bracelets are โan unhealthy choiceโ
๐ that โgirly stuff is unattractiveโ and musculinity is inherently โclassierโ
๐ that i am less attractive
๐ that i am an embarrassing person to have in your home or around your family or around your kids or around your friends or for others to see on social media
๐ that my โrecent behaviorโ calls into question my fitness as a parent to my 15 month old son to whom i have provided absolutely excellent care
๐ that telling me โi love you and iโm concerned about youโ justifies paragraph after paragraph coming beforehand saying:
above:
this text was sent to me by a person who has seen me 5 times in 5 years and has almost never spoken with me during that entire time
๐ that my blog and my facebook posts have generally been โinsulting to womenโ lately, offered by someone like you whose reading comprehension of my facebook post was not even on the surface, you were somewhere way above the surface:
comments on the above post:
thread to comment above:
above:
more words from a person who almost never interacts with me but nevertheless feels a right to judge my authenticity
more of your points i completely and totally reject:
๐ that there is something wrong with being โperceived as a 12 year old girlโ
๐ that i should abide by the norms of people born in the 1930โs
๐ that i should give the slightest consideration for what boomers might think of me when their empty minds are taking a brief break from watching cable news, scrolling on facebook, and freaking the fuck out about some 18-year-old football player.
๐ that i should listen to a single fucking word from the mouth of anyone who finds my behavior alarming even after reading my blog for the past 6 weeks
๐ that i should believe you when you tell me, โi love you and i care about youโ
sprinkled throughout: a curated selection of the posts that made you tell me i should go on mood stabilizers
your main priority is getting me to shut the fuck up.
we all exist as movement, not things: no person is fixed as one thing.
we all manifest in different forms, or at least we can.
here is how you manifest to me: a being who wants to mute me, and that is all.
because even long before this, youโve always been trying to get me to shut up.
youโve always been worried that iโm about to just act like myself.
iโd rather be alone than a stranger
(clairo, โnomadโ)
i say, โmy therapist confirms i am mentally stable,โ and you look away.
i say, โi feel so calm and peaceful,โ and you shake your head in disbelief.
i say, โi wish i could tell you how much this means to me,โ and you donโt ask me
a single
fucking
question.
do you feel ashamed
when you hear my name?(phoebe bridgers, โscott streetโ)
this is what i was โacting likeโ when you said i was insane
you text me in shock: โfuck your parents! how could you!!!!โ
i tell you, โpeople really liked that post!โ
you accuse, โyou just did it for the likes, thatโs all you care aboutโ
and then i find out that you
didnโt
even
fucking
read it!
shaking your head in disgust, you say, โi stopped reading your blog a long time ago.โ
but thatโs just like you: to only see the surface of me.
and now all you have of me is pictures:
pictures ripped up and thrown away,
pictures youโll never see again,
pictures lost forever in the receding depths of social media feeds.
if only you had seen, from the beginning, how beautiful i am
i was so sure you would accept me.
and everyone was so confused when you didnโt.
i always had this sense i was repressing myself around you,
but i didnโt love myself enough to trust my own gut.
i used to think our friendship was so special and important,
but by rejecting me and totally fucking refusing to listen to me, youโve made yourself into someone i donโt want to be around.
and thatโs how i got over you so fast.
when i told you how angry your reaction makes me,
you said: donโt worry, weโre going to get you help
iโll be in the bathroom!
what am i doing?
looking at myself!
taking selfies!
trying on bracelets!
making scrunchie swirls!
picking what color butterfly i am today!
reading writer girlie substacks instead of listening to you!
i want nothing to fucking do with your standards of sanity!
you say my butterfly bracelets have no meaning!
you say my scrunchies have no meaning!
well then why the fuck do they freak you out so much?
and why the fuck were you so freaked out when i started kissing my scrunchies as you were telling me to โbe a manโ and think of โwhat i could loseโ?
you know why i kissed my scrunchies while you were speaking to me with your emotionless logic and ignoring every feeling i shared with you?
because when i kiss my scrunchies i am calm and i am happy.
you say, โhey! donโt you know those butterfly bracelets were made in china!โ
but the thing is: i donโt listen to you anymore.
i listen to
:the most ridiculous part of all:
you ask me to stop defending myself.
you tell me to shut up and hide so that others can define me as they see fit.
but i will define me now: not you, and not them.
youโre going to be averting your eyes for a long fucking time
you ask me, โwhere is this coming from?โ
let me tell you: this is coming from within.
and this has always been there within me.
but to stay your friend, i had to keep it there: locked away forever.
to stay your friend, i had to keep the most beautiful parts of me a secret.
to stay your friend, i had to stay reclusive and i had to stay afraid.
to make you like me, i couldnโt be liked by anyone else.
emily, i'm sorry i just
make it up as i go along
and i can feel myself becoming
someone only you could want(phoebe bridgers, boygenius: โemily iโm sorryโ)
๐ youโre never fucking muting me again
๐
you say, โbe patient!โ
but how many weeks has it been now?
and how much of my writing have you read?
i thought my writing would convince you of my beauty
i thought my writing would convince you of my radiance
if nothing else, i thought my writing would convince you of my sanity
instead, my writing has done the opposite:
my writing leaves you feeling even more disturbed than you ever did before.
you are now even less sure of my sanity, even less sure of my stability.
and because of that:
i can no longer be sure of yours.
i need help and i have it, but itโs not coming from you:
nor could it ever.
i am not crazy.
i am not unwell.
i am not the thing you thought i was.
nothing i have done on the internet since coming out in july is concerning, and if you think itโs concerning, then i am deeply concerned for you.
know why?
because this is what your uncle is posting:
your uncle means this completely seriously,
and you donโt even fucking think about it.
you accuse me of โmaking you the villain in my rediscovery story.โ
but as you can see from these screenshots and details, you constructed yourself into a being of my nightmares.
you constructed yourself into a black hole sucking me up into nothingness.
you constructed yourself into someone whose opinion i must choose to ignore.
so if youโre still fucking asking me to shut the fuck up:
well, iโm worried about you,
and i think you need help. ๐
i am this tree
and i am the moon
respectfully, i'm here for the gossip ๐
You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be heard. Be authentic, and the garbage will take itself out. ๐ซถ๐ป๐ซถ๐ป๐ซถ๐ป