An open apology to Emily
I am so sorry I did not ask you about your feelings Emily. I treated you like an object.
In 2011 Emily and I went on a date. She slept over at my apartment in DC. Things escalated: I clearly wanted to have sex and she told me no. So we did not have sex. We went to sleep.
But then the next morning we started making out. We did so for a while and things escalated again. We never communicated verbally and we had sex: I told myself she consented with her body movements and her sweet smile. She seemed fine but now that I can see through my own past demonic tendencies, I realize that regardless of whether she was willing or not, I was being fundamentally narcissistic: I was not prioritizing her feelings. I treated her like so many have treated me: like an object.
I should have asked about her feelings.
And that’s why regardless of whether she consented or not, I feel terrible for having never asked her whether she wanted to have sex or not.
It’s ridiculous to believe we should trust only body language or sweet smiles.
People are NOT objects.
They have so much depth beneath the surface.
Ask them about it.
This is another sin for which I will always be paying penance:
Ask for consent before you sleep with someone, regardless of their body language, regardless of their smile, regardless of how they touch you, regardless of how into you they “seem.”
These are all nothing more than the unreal surface of things.
What’s real is what’s beneath the surface: and what’s beneath the surface are feelings, which the body does not reliably demonstrate in terms of its behavior. Don’t be a fool and believe you know someone’s soul just because they get naked with you.
If you are a good person and you do not ask them about their feelings,it will haunt you forever.
I will never stop working to make it up to you Emily that I did not ask you in that moment about your feelings: this is what matters. I treated you no differently than the people who have refused to listen to my feelings have treated me.
If you ever need anything from me at all, please let me know.
Regardless, I will never stop working to make sure men stop treating women like I treated you and Caitlin: I should have prioritized your feelings, and I should have celebrated Caitlin’s love.
I love you, I wish you all the best for your life.
