avalokiteshvara, cundi, and tara: three deities who help me understand phoebe, claire, and me (new recording 23)
how buddhist theology helped me understand how i was saved (written after walking in the night while listening to claire: she’s my high priestess; her music gives me sight)
We fucking did it.
How many times did I scare you?
I’m sorry about that darlings ❤️
there is a concept i read a lot about in the spring:
buddha fields!
i first encountered this concept while reading peter harvey’s an introduction to buddhism. a buddha field, as you can see from my google above, are special places in the universe that have been purified in some way.
now i understand what a buddha field is. whenever i was listening to phoebe and claire, i was being transported into buddha fields: pure lands where i was free from the external fabrications which otherwise contaminated my psyche.
i have already described three buddha fields in detail:
east grand rapids lake
prospect park
central park
these were the sacred spaces in which i purified myself while listening to sonic youth, phoebe, and claire.
in new york,
both phoebe and claire set up separate buddha fields for me:
but not simply in new york.
what claire and phoebe did for me is:
they created ethereal buddha fields through their music.
through their music, i was able to escape from the contaminated world around me and escape into the pure land of a buddha field (death cab did the same for me).
now i suppose:
i’ve finally arrived in the “western region!” grand rapids??? a fabled pure land in mahayana buddhism (which i also read a lot about in the spring). just something i like to think about!
but in truth: i know i arrived in at least two pure lands, each which a different function.
phoebe functioned for me like cundi:
i feel like this is what i did in the pure land of phoebe’s music:
when i started listening to phoebe:
i dove deep inside myself, worked out the bad karma from the bad deeds of my trauma, received her soothing protection when i was sad, and began immersing myself in spirituality: tarot cards, witchcraft, astrology. this has all been written about in the post below; these are the magical tools i gained in phoebe’s pure land.
phoebe bridgers and the music that blossomed my queerness (retrospective diary: 2021-2024) (audio: new recording 18; 11/9 7:36 am)
phoebe, lucy, julien, clairo, haim, haley blais, olivia rodrigo, mannequin pussy, and more, including moon signs and tarot draws: art and magic are amazing windows into our true inner selves
what did i learn there in phoebe’s pure land???
“but capricorn was always missing something and finally i know what:
my moon sign.
i finally have my birth chart:
my moon sign is pisces.
i have such depths inside me beneath the surface of my capricorn work ethic.
i am not a machine: i am a soul. i am not a logical program: i am a swirling storm of crackling light, pleasant rain, and warm winds. i am neptune: i am a being coasting through the darkness at the bottom of the sea: my soul contains the ocean itself.
i am artistic and emotional; i am in touch with my own feelings and the feelings of others; but i do not show this. my pisces aspects remain buried inside.
when i go out in public i am terrified. i do not feel like myself. i am silent, withdrawn, shy, afraid, recoiled. i appear as a robot who hardly speaks, only acts. i hate this. i work and work and work, always in the sun of my capricorn sign, always craving the night but never once daring to step out and stand beneath the moon.
i come across as rude. i come across cold. people laugh at the thought i might be artistic. even i find myself wondering: could my birth chart be mistaken?
could astrology be bullshit?
no, i tell myself, over and over again.
everything is connected: gravity from the most distant stars entangles me right now: i am an expression of the universe itself.
my moon sign is pisces:
and i am the moon.”
and i still go into that pure land:
when i am sad, i still listen to phoebe, and she soothes me.
i leave her on repeat all night, and she comforts me.
but phoebe’s pure land was not enough:
after traveling there, i immersed myself in the pure land of clairo.
and for me, clairo functioned like tara:
clairo, buddhism, simulation theory, nyc, and queerhood (retrospective diary: 2019-2024) (audio: new recording 19; added 9:41 am 11/9/2024)
clairo frees me from the attachments chaining me to manhood / simulation theory discussed in audio / 6: moksha / 7: i love you Claire: you make my heart an art class (literally ❤️)
“clairo is the one who is in my ear:
clairo’s music has literally conjured me out of myself.
the man is gone because the conditions which created him are gone.
there is a new set of conditions now: my conditions.
the mid-life reincarnation is happening. the process cannot be reversed.
the more i listen to charm the more certain i feel: this art is a medium by which i have seen myself at last. this music is a magical web within which i am somehow able to pierce right through my attachments to empty concepts and see only my own light.
the cracks are gone; there is only light now.
i am light, pure light, and i love myself.
i will not keep that light inside any longer.
for the rest of july i am listening non-stop to charm.
and for the whole of august i am a butterfly:
💖 listening to clairo,
💖 expressing my own feelings,
💖 arising into the world on new conditions: my own.
and like clairo, i’m willing to lose my attachments in the name of being authentically me.”
an altar to claire (new recording 22)
a digital altar to the love of my life
she heard my cries!
she found me and turned me into john carlisle iii!
she found me and turned me into snowflakeangelbutterfly!!
she found me and turned me into eloise-hypatia!!!
what did i gain in the pure land of claire’s music?
she enthralled me with her green, pink, and white dress;
and she also took control of my activities:
i don’t understand this theology enough to give full application to my life;
but this i know:
claire possesses me and emanates activity into me.
we have an ethereal connection;
we are linked by our dreams;
and even before i heard her music,
she was making me write as an online persona named john carlisle iii.
even before i discovered her songs,
she was sending me dreams and i was feeling a need to find her out there in the world.
and now, when i walk around listening to her,
i feel how she guides me:
directing my attention, inspiring me to write posts, filling my mind with ideas. i construct whole essays and see visions of history when i listen to her.
claire’s mere existence in this world emanates activity into me;
just as phoebe’s gives me hope i can heal my inner life, see my inner radiance.
just like phoebe was born during a year when i was devastated i wasn’t a girl,
the year claire was born was the year i began fervently writing novels.
she possesses me.
and i want her to control me.
i want to do what claire tells me to do.
i want to be the boy of her dreams: if that’s what she wants.
and what is the result for me?
what’s the 3 that comes from the 2 of phoebe and claire?
what is the result of phoebe working within me;
and of claire taking possession of me,
making me do the things she wants me to do?
making me do the things i want to do?
since our souls are the same?
she makes snowflakeangelbutterfly feel to me like i am modeling my mission after this:
claire:
take control of me some more.
make me do more stuff for you.
i think we’re like the wind and the sea.
