berlin: feelings from a city
foiled romance, renewed friendships, national anxieties, and blurry nights
berlin sweeps me in and out of love. my second girlfriend dumped me in the hallway of a youth hostel in berlin when i was 17. i knew i deserved it, but i also knew she was flirting with one of the germans in our program.
all the other americans were so captivated by the germans, who seemed to speak to many languages and have traveled to so many countries and to have such civilized views on politics. the germans had style and fashion, vibes and moves: the germans were allowed to have their boyfriends and girlfriends sleep over at night. the germans arranged parties overflowing with alcohol in fields out in the middle of nowhere. i was just an american who hardly spoke german, wouldn’t dance, refused to drink alcohol, and hated his clothes. i witnessed such hedonism during those few days in berlin that i vowed never to go abroad again, and if my girlfriend was disappearing into that vortex of drunken lust, i must repress my desire to follow her.
night sky (photo my own)
i fell for an american during christmas in berlin when i was 20: i never said a word and then she flew back home to her boyfriend. in berlin i went to the cathedral for the midnight service as christmas eve gave way to christmas. my friends and i, most of us studying for the year in germany and off from school for the holidays, drank glühwein in the christmas markets where we took selfies with our wintery treats. there was a massive christmas tree in front of the brandenburg gate. sometimes we walked by it after dark, which fell early and pleasantly. it was chilly and i liked that. i still love the people i spent that christmas with. they are all so special to me.
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on my twenty-first birthday, the day after christmas, i drank so much alcohol that i was throwing up for three hours while my friend soothed me and promised me that i wasn’t going to die. she laughed lightheartedly when i asked her if maybe i should go to the hospital. “i’m going to die!” i screamed. “i’m going to die!”
there was a guy from texas trying to sleep in his bed as i screamed. he was on his own in a shared dormitory stuffed with the whole lot of us. he had several opened bottles of beer on the floor beside him. i don’t know if i told my friend i loved her, but i wanted to, and i do love her, and somehow after she soothed me, i fell asleep.
i loved being drunk at night in berlin with my friends.
nearly three years later, i told a european girl in berlin: i will quit graduate school and move to switzerland with you, and then i never saw her again. i always think i’m so in love when i’m in berlin. i always think i’m ready to give up anything for some feeling which i’ve found there.
evening sky (photo my own)
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