delusions overcome? (and additional audio reflections)

waking up

it seems obvious to me now that this whole blog is the product of a delusion complex. admittedly this is a shocking jolt to my consciousness, but it’s clear now that i’ve blown up my life as a result of prolonged psychosis.

now i really feel that need to go back in time. except i want to go back to july and not start this substack — not post aggressive things about other people, not document so much of my life, and not go down the road of erotomania, a condition in which a person becomes convinced a celebrity is in love with them, which seems to perfectly describe my experience — except that wasn’t even the worst of this.

the worst of this was the monster i became when i wasn’t myself. the worst of this: all the rants i recorded and posted when i was passing through psychosis. i am so sorry to everyone who was affected. i told many lies about myself in an urge to destroy, a desire i cannot understand anymore. what did i want to destroy?

when my son shouts “daddy!” and runs to me, and i pick him up and he is smiling, i remember what has really mattered all this time, and i’m left wishing i had dealt with my mental health issues in a more urgent manner. but i didn’t, and i will be left with the consequences for the rest of my life. now i only wish more people had intervened to stop me, but ultimately the responsibility rests with me.

i am deeply sorry to everyone i have hurt during this time.