grand rapids, my new home: reflections & photographs
i moved here to sunnydale after 8 years of hating my life in brooklyn: and in the last couple days, i've just been walking through an autumnal paradise while trying not to be too much of a creep
it’s no secret how much i hated brooklyn, although my hatred for brooklyn had almost nothing to do with brooklyn: my memories of brooklyn are defined by the person i was in brooklyn, and when i was in brooklyn, i created my own hell.
there was so much i wanted to do and be a part of in new york city,
and i didn’t do any of it,
i wasn’t a part of any of it.
in brooklyn i was a living breathing hell-being: by constantly folding in the face of my most self-destructive impulses (fear, self-hatred, and social anxiety), i created my own hell, a hell burning so hot i didn’t dare call even my closest friends to hang out.
i saved 30,000 dollars cash to quit my job and travel; and then i was so depressed i couldn’t do it. i didn’t travel. i sat in an empty apartment writing essays for months.
i could have called my friends but:
they scared me.
now i’m not scared of my friends, but they live far away mostly, and i am still isolated:
i have failed thus far to build much of a life for myself in grand rapids,
and although i am very friendly with people when i meet them,
i am afraid to go further. i seem to still be afraid to make friends.
example:
i went to a brewery called “harmony” on october 30th:
the waitress was out-of-this-world cute and we had several nice exchanges. i talked with this girl far more than i ever would have spoken with a waitress ever before, and yet we didn’t actually speak all that much; i was too afraid.
i was very aware of the potential for me to come across as a creep:
and so despite the fact we smiled at each other any time i didn’t look away,
i deliberately looked away every other time she walked by my table. i was concerned that if i looked at her too often, she would decide i was a creep and stop smiling.
the fact she looked at me and smiled whenever i looked at her did not matter. for one, she’s a waitress: she’s supposed to smile at her customers. secondly: who am i? thirdly: what do i even know about this girl? she could be engaged for all i know!
so i often looked away when she walked by: so that she wouldn’t think i was being a creep by looking her in the eyes (difficult to avoid). i wanted to see this girl again, but i was more concerned with ensuring that i didn’t come across as a creep by displaying any obvious affection. she was just so pretty: her prettyness frightened my eyes.
so then there i am, check in-hand, wanting so badly to see this person again, and no: of course not, i did not leave my number!
because leaving my number for a waitress would make me creepy!
i was falling back into the same mindsets that plagued me in brooklyn,
even though i know these mindsets will only generate a new hell for me in grand rapids if i do not actually pursue relationships (of all kinds) with new people.
despite this knowledge, i did not want her to think i was a creep.
her thinking i was a creep seemed to me like the most serious danger of the moment.
so instead of leaving my number, i wrote a note about how i liked her dress (something i already told her), i drew a little heart, and i signed my name as “eloise.”
then i went back to the same restaurant two days later, november 1st.
to get there, i walked for an hour: all in the hopes i would see this girl again.
she wasn’t working, but i enjoyed my meal and drink.
i keep saying i’m fearless!!!! why do i keep saying it???
i hope to manifest fearlessness soon.
i do: i know that if i don’t, i will be in hell again.
but guess what happened?
i went to sleep on october 31st, before midnight, and then the next morning:
i felt fearless in grand rapids on november 1st.
i felt like if only i’d met this girl at harmony today instead of two days ago,
i’d have looked her in the eyes more and i’d have left her my number.
i felt like maybe i really can build a life here, making i can meet more people like her, maybe i can actually ask them to hang out with me when i meet them!
overnight, from october 31 to november 1, my mind seemed to slow down its relentless attempts to categorize me with the “creeps,” although this assertion has not yet been tested in the face of any cuties (or my non-existent sex life).
anyway, there were no trying encounters with cuties on november 1st:
on november 1st, i was in my headphones feeling like a goddess,
wondering if i would be able to act like one next time.
i spent five hours walking through grand rapids listening to this playlist:
and all the while,
i was walking through my own autumnal paradise.
here are some of my favorite photographs i took while walking around grand rapids on october 31st and november 1st.
these images make me feel hopeful about the future.
i do love the fall, and as i’ve said:
this is just the beginning of my basic bitch era darlings.
i walk under the sun too now.
related:
the propagation of teenage girl music as the antidote to american capitalism
olivia rodrigo for u.s. senate
shots from around grand rapids (october 30th - 31st)
i bumped into this graffiti just before meeting the girl at harmony.
grand rapids (november 1st)
i felt so uplifted wandering around today listening to music,
and i am going to believe:
i can make friends here.
i will have a friend group!
i just need to learn.
i had a good day on november 1st,
and i am going to choose to believe:
grand rapids will feel like home,
and i will have community here.
Don’t forget:
