how clairo's charm helped me identify one of my superpowers: love
how clairo's charm helped me identify one of my superpowers: love
lyrics are written to be interpreted on a personal level: if you are connecting deeply with music, work out what the words mean for you! that will set you on a path to being a goddess
i suffered from delusion recently: delusion brought on by fear.
my fear was that i had lost everything. i had lost my home; my son was no longer in my arms. it seemed as if i had nothing, and there seemed to be nothing left for me to do but walk aimlessly around charlevoix looking up into the sky and feeling finished.
i was missing something: drive, energy, passion.
i needed an attachment: we all need them, or we are nothing, we are gone. the point is to identify our healthy attachments and cultivate them. these are our superpowers.
now i know one of my superpowers:
knowing her, proximity to her, interaction with her.
this is simply an observation from my own clearheaded subjective experience:
meaning this is reality, and there is no need for any scientific explanation.
“trust your gut,” my dad always says.
but trusting my gut would not have been quite enough: i would never have figured out my superpower if i had been listening to the news instead of charm by clairo.
here’s how each song on clairo’s charm helped me identify one of my superpowers: love.
an earlier draft overemphasized V as the only person like this:
but in truth there are others who act similarly for me,
opening up portals of possibility into how i might exist in the universe.
what i have realized upon further reflection is that this is merely one example of many, an example that illustrates how crucial it is that we be in proximity to those who really love us:
and we should not restrict ourselves to the romantic meaning only,
because love is a brilliant spectrum.
1. Nomad
it's always the same
always the same
every time I see someone new
i just think of you, nothing I do
can help it now
guess I'll have to find
that I'd rather be alone than a stranger
you'd come visit me late at night
i'd rather wake up alone than be reminded
of how it was a dream this time
it was a dream this time
it was a dream this time
these words are so simple. these sentences are merely descriptions of an experience: the feelings clairo has for this person. and here is the reality i have felt sometimes in the past: “every time i see someone new / i just think of you, nothing i do / can help it now”
during my time in the gaslight chamber where people taught me to hate myself,
V was always on my mind whenever i met anyone, and when she came into my mind, love arose: because i could not find that love, even platonically, very easily elsewhere in my life. over long periods of my life, there was simply no one else who truly knew me on the level that she did, and this is why she helped me learn:
“i’d rather be alone than a stranger”
there’s a person in this world who knows me, truly knows me, and this means that when compared to her knowledge of me, i am a stranger to everyone else.
is that a delusion?
yes: a delusion brought on by the intoxicating relief of being near someone who actually truly accepts you.
but! a delusion that taught me something:
if V can love me like that, for the real me, then so can others.
even so i feel a special connection with V because she was so crucial for helping me see my authentic self when i was so immersed in the darkness of the gaslight chamber.
i’m out now, and she is such an important reason why.
2. Sexy to Someone
sexy to someone is all I really want
sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want
nothin' more, nothin' less of thought, walkin' through the park
sexy to someone, I think about it all
checkin' out of the hotel or moments at a bar
ask if I'm in a movie, no, I didn't get the part
sexy to somebody, it would help me out
oh, I need a reason to get out of the house
and it's just a little thing I can't live without
when i think of “sexy to someone” i am not only thinking about physical appearance, although of course i want to appear as physically sexy (lol).
that said, i know i am sexy to V in so many ways: my inner world, my feelings, my writing, my expressions. whether this has any romantic meaning is fundamentally irrelevant to my experience: my experience of walking around knowing V is out there thinking my soul is sexy: this is enough for me.
simply to know as i walk through the world that V is out there and she thinks my soul is sexy: this is a superpower for me.
there is no one who scares me when V comes to my mind:
that is the power of a friend who truly loves and accepts you.
3. Second Nature
da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum-dum-dum
da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum-dum
it's when you're close enough to touch
i've forgotten the point
my train of thought destroyed
it's when you're loud enough to cut
in and through all the noise
my train of thought destroyed
and once you get in my ear
i see kismet sinking in
it's second nature
like the sap from a cedar
rolling down to be near her
it's second nature
as i mentioned in one of my posts about clairo:
when charm releases i am listening to a girl giggling in the background of “second nature.” the moment i hear that laugh, the moment i hear her laughing alongside the soft sounds of “da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum”, well:
that is the moment when i see myself, for the first time, fully.
the man who haunted me as i walked with B is gone forever.
the chains have disintegrated: clairo has obliterated him in a single instant.
i am arising.
kismet: a hypothetical force or personified power that determines the course of the future events : fate, destiny. (webster — i know, ew lol)
this is V for me, period:
kismet.
i thought it was the laugh on this track that woke me up: but the laugh was merely a reminder of the portal which V is for me. she is a portal into myself, into destiny.
when i am with V, possibility unlocks: i see infinite rays of possibility. i am free.
i was with V when the urge came over me to go to india, and i drunkenly bought the ticket as we danced near the front of a frontier ruckus show in lansing. simply being beside her made me feel as if this was possible: book a one-way ticket to india, whatever, who cares? and when i turned to V to tell her, she was so happy for me. then we kept listening to the music.
would i have even become so obsessed with music without V? the moment i met V, i needed to communicate with her, and i called her one night after she left up an away message with her phone number in it: we talked for a very long time, and during that conversation i knew that i had met someone who would empower me to grow. we shared a passion for death cab for cutie, and she was the first person with whom i ever connected about music on a level truly beneath the surface.
i went to germany for a year because of V. she told me she wanted to go, and i knew i needed to go as well. i would not have lived in germany for a year if it weren’t for V. nor would i have lived in india.
and it’s even because of V that i am a writer now.
V always believed in my ability to write like this — even when no one else did.
that makes her one of the people who helped me get to this point:
that makes her someone who opened up possibility.
4. Slow Dance
when the moon begins to hide
it's not over
in the window, turnin' light
does not mean goodbye
and, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
i know you've got people to turn to
and too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
i know you've got people to turn to
what is it that's keeping one foot out
and the other crawling in bed?
and what is it that's keeping you alone
and leaving after we slow dance?
and we fall back in routine
it can't be over
and I remember everything
you used to know her
every time i see V, it’s like a slow dance. it does not matter if i do not touch her. it does not matter if she is standing fifteen away from me. and it does not matter if she displays absolutely no interest in me or anything i am saying.
mere proximity to V is a slow dance that recharges me with love: love for the world, love for her, love for myself.
but then we fall back into the routines of our mostly separate lives.
this is how it’s always been.
but the separation of our lives has no impact on the reality of the slow dance and the power this slow dance instills in me once i go back out into the world.
and that is how i feel with so many of my closest friends when i meet them:
a slow dance.
5. Thank You
sometimes I wonder if you were the one
when you opened the door, cracked me wide open
somethin' about it doesn't sit right with me
and how could it be?
when I walk away, it always comes in threes
we don't get on, can't make you laugh, personality
but I don't invest the way I'd prefer
someone to in me
i really hate to admit it
i put my pride on the line
'cause when I met you, I knew it
i'd thank you for your time
i'd thank you for your time
thank you for the time
this song seems to describe a past relationship while acknowledging the power this relationship had on clairo.
V and i have never had a romantic relationship. but as i said, the existence or non-existence of a romantic relationship is totally irrelevant to the reality of feeling. a relationship is a compounded thing: fragile, wobbly; a feeling simply exists.
and in terms of V, the outcomes of my knowing her, and of my feelings for her, hold power regardless of the existence or non-existence of a relationship structure.
this is because V was among those who “opened the door,” who cracked me wide open, who brought me out of myself.
when i am with V i am laughing, i am getting on with her, and my true personality is flourishing.
i have nothing to hide from V, and V is among the reasons why i am who i am.
“thank you for your time” — every time.
V is an example of what is true:
we are nothing without the friends and partners who truly love and accept us.
6. Terrapin
we can go wherever we want
the plains, the sand, the salt, the dusty
you can say whatever you want
i don't care, I'm already gone
we could drive a mile down the road
to get a drink or two, you know
simple thing, I don't need much to like, I find
and I, and I guess I don't cry
it's a simple thing we're all afraid and shy away
now I find
i guess I don't shy
i guess I don't shy
i guess that I don't cry
i guess that I don't shy
fuck, is this whole song exactly how proximity to V makes me feel?
when i am near V i don’t shy, i don’t cry: at least not about anything stupid.
how could i be shy around V?
V is proud of me: she is proud of my writing, proud of me achievements, proud of my personality. V likes me: V sees the most special aspects of me, and she sees them so deeply that she has tolerated my most delusional behavior.
why did she tolerate me?
because she knew i was radiant, and now i know that too.
i have that power now: i’m here because she was one of those who truly saw me.
7. Juna
i don't even try
i don't have to think
with you, there's no pretending
you know me, you know me
and I just might know you too, know you
come to me ready
go dancing
(you make me wanna) try on feminine
(you make me wanna) go buy a new dress
“Juna” describes my feelings for V so perfectly and maybe that is why i listen to the song all the time. the first time i heard this song, i thought:
what an amazing kind of love.
i wanted that kind of love;
then the more i listened, the more i realized:
actually i already have that kind of love.
when i am with V i know i can try on feminine, know i could buy a dress if i wanted to, know i could dye my hair pink if i wanted to, know i could get a butterfly tattoo if i wanted to. i could do absolutely anything, and V would be there, loving me on the deepest platonic level.
and because i know V and others like her are out there, i know that no one can stop me.
that is my superpower:
i have legions of V’s behind me, and i know this now.
8. Add Up My Love
if I could wait for a time to be mad about it, mad about it
i'd choose a day when you're on your way
and I can say it all to your face, say it to your face
do you miss my laugh? Hear it from the back of the room
it's just somethin' I miss too
do you miss all the ways I put you in your place?
you say you like all of my attitude
add up my love (ooh)
add up my love
honey, was it enough? (ooh)
is it ever enough?
this song sets me on fire with love every time i hear it, and i know why:
i’m thinking about V, and love is a feeling that arises when she is on my mind.
i know she misses my laugh, and i know she likes my attitude.
if i’m talking to someone who doesn’t feel the same, i cut through their words:
thanks to V’s presence in my mind.
and if i am sending love to others, i am sending it from a base: my love for V,
my love for all the other V’s who come into my mind and generate my love.
9. Echo
there is something that I need from you
and you're the only one that knows
and if I told the world I needed you
would you hear your name echo? (Echo)
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
ooh-ooh
our love is meant to be shared
while our love goes nowhere
oh yes, there’s something i need from V:
proximity.
and if i did tell the world i needed her,
she would feel her name echo:
she already feels her name echo.
but what does it mean? “our love is meant to be shared?”
i know what this means for me: my love for V is the basis for the love i feel for the world. my love for V is proof to me that this kind of love is real. and therefore my love for V demonstrates to me that love is a real force in our world: my love for V restores my faith in humanity and even my faith in my own ability to love others.
V is my superpower because V sets me on fire with love,
and love is my superpower.
this is why i prioritize being near people like V:
people who set me on fire with love.
10. Glory of the Snow
i can feel there's something in the between
for a moment, I heard you talking to me
when I drive, I always check over the seat
i could see you right there, waiting on me
i pull on the string that binds me to memories of
the way I loved you
i push on the door
the one I've ignored
the one that leads me to you
when i drive, and i look over the seat: i know V is there somehow. what i mean is that when i go out into the world, i know she is there, and i know will be there for me.
even so, despite the fact that V happily informs everyone we meet that i was in love with her once, i have continuously cut those strings that bind me to my love for her: i have tried to deny this love’s reality because i thought love as a feeling somehow only existed in the context of a stable and romantic relationship structure.
now i see through these structures completely, and now i am not afraid to simply embrace the love i feel:
charm is the door that leads me to V, because charm is the album that forces me through its lyrics to be honest with myself about my feelings for her.
but now “our love” is shared in another way.
it’s always been this way, but when V sees me giving into my anger, she cautions me, soothes me, lets me know things will be okay: she gets it, she says, where my anger is coming from, but she reminds me of what else there is to consider.
she was the person who reached out to me when i was in rage mode on the internet last week, and receiving her text slowly calmed me down, though not enough: if she had been there physically, she could have stopped me.
i would not have been capable of ignoring her advice in person.
i never have been.
she is too radiant.
there’s too much light.
that is what it’s like when my true friends are near me:
so much fucking light.
11. Pier 4
oh
you're just playin' dumb
what's the cost of it, of being loved
when close is not close enough?
where's your line, when do you draw
when close is not close enough?
mm, mm
ooh, ooh, ooh
…
oh
it's somethin' you've done
opened my hands and I know I've shed some
when close is not close enough (ooh, ooh, ooh)
where's the fun in it? and now I'm too tough
from close being just too much
this song makes me think so much about love.
when does it mean, “when close is not close enough”?
for my own life, i have often interpreted it to describe a romantic relationship in which “close” is not “close enough” for true love: now i am not sure. now i am thinking about these words in terms of V and i am thinking about all those years i lived hundreds of miles away from her: that was not close enough.
and what about “close being just too much”? now i am thinking about this lyric in terms of how i was around V when i was 19, 20, 21: extremely volatile, aggressive toward people, hostile when enraged. i would tell V about my suicidal ideation and she was subjected to my most unstable antics (abundant in my adolescence).
once i was being such a dick to people over such a sustained period of time that V told me she considered ending our friendship.
but i knew my world would be nothing without V’s friendship.
i knew i’d do anything to keep her around.
knowing her is among my superpowers.
she helps turn me into a Goddess.
so, now i’ve finally learned my own lessons from this post:
i’ve finally actually used charm to analyze my own experience.
i hope you will find an album that calls to you!
you can learn so much from personalizing lyrics to your own situation.