life lately: fragile

feelings from my life lately

everything in my life feels fragile right now. when i turn to grab the car keys, i’m afraid they won’t be there. when i look to get my wallet, and it’s not in the place i’ve usually left it, i’m afraid i’ve lost my only identification card. i got a used car last week, essential for employment, and it’s already in service. sometimes when i wake up i’ve looked first thing for my car, just to be sure it’s still there. i’ve had five interviews this week, but i’m terrified that come december (when my lease runs out) i’ll be homeless again like i was for six weeks in the fall.

i carry forward so much regret from my actions over the last several months. my mom has always told me that regret is a dangerous emotion, one to avoid, and i have often thought she’s right: regret is useless, she has told me. but then how to really learn from my past mistakes? do i not need to wallow in some regret to do so?

my past itself seems fragile. like i narrowly avoided complete life disaster multiple times. which i did. and i think in horror of the darker timelines, community style. except not funny.

at every moment, even this one, i feel like i am standing at the intersection of worlds: a world where things work out, and a thousand worlds where they don’t, which feels so cliche and i’m sure has been said before. but that is the kind of intersection i feel like i’m standing on most of the time.

often lately i’m very lonely: what once constituted my immediate social world has passed away, and i’m here in a new city without yet having the income to support a social life. my closest friends live far away, and i spend day after day alone applying for jobs and staring into a void, waiting. waiting for what? i don’t even bother to look up what’s going on in the city — events i could attend and maybe meet people or just have fun — because again, i feel too much pressure around money.

even so my lonely state just makes me feel ridiculous! i’ve been in Grand Rapids for almost a year and a half: but it still feels new to me and i still don’t have what i’ve always craved to have again: a social circle.

i have a sense, really, that i need to lock down a job and then i can focus on building a social circle. this keeps me from even bothering to see what’s going on in the city. and yet i fear I’ll just act the same once i have a job: i fear i will fall back into the inertia that has kept me from going out in the past.

and i know i’m still going to be stressed about money once i have a job: all my interviews have been in retail. the prospect of a professional role seems far away with a resume gap stretching back to 2021. i’m re-entering the workforce and i have to take what i can get for now.

in some sense it feels like i’ve hit rock bottom. in a more optimistic sense, expressed to me by friends like Adam, it’s the start of a new life with new possibilities. and whatever job i get will bring with it a new routine for getting me out of the apartment and interacting with people. but that doesn’t change how this so often feels: like rock bottom.

of course, i know i am free to choose not to give into the inertia that has kept me back socially in the past. at any moment i can choose to go do stuff. and i will. but i know i’m not going to start until after i have found a job.

so for now, i’m spending this evening waiting, listening to music, staring into the void.