masturbation and hell: an afterward (salvation chronicles 1:x)
even as an atheist, i blamed myself for my sexual repression. i told people i was "crazy" and "bad." i thought there was something wrong with me: why else would i have been like that as a kid?
i have tried many times to tell this story. the first time was ten years ago on a very old blog of mine. i mostly erased my family from the entire account. i even saw my family as my victims: i emphasized how i was so βcrazyβ i had told my own mom she would go to hell. deliberately i portrayed myself in those posts as having been this unhinged person: so crazed, so extreme, that i believed i would burn in hell for masturbating. the story always got lots of laughs. βlook how crazy i was! isnβt that funny!β
and i believed this. i believed i was crazy. i believed i had been a βbad kid.β
even from the moment i became an atheist, it took over 15 years to stop believing this.
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