phoebe, clairo, and me: a diary of lyrics (part 3 - clairo)

Claire Cottrill's "Charm" freed me forever: she finished what Phoebe started, and she saved my fucking life

clairo spotify artist pic

phoebe, clairo, and me: a diary of lyrics (part 1: phoebe)

phoebe, clairo, and me: a diary of lyrics (part 2 - notes, extracts, additional songs)

i have tried to analyze charm from the perspective of how a normal person would analyze charm.

i have taken the lyrics from charm and i have applied them to a relationship in my life, only to realize the extent of my delusions and adjust the details of my post to be true:

how clairo's charm helped me identify one of my superpowers: love

i am not ashamed in any way whatsoever to tell you that i suffer from delusions.

we all do.

why be afraid?

you’re not “delusional.”

you’re a being with delusions — like me!

and we can learn from our delusions.

so i am simply going to follow my own advice:

i am going to cut through all the made up concepts. i am going to be completely honest about how charm makes me feel, how charm transforms me, the things i imagine about when i listen to charm, etc. i am going to simply share my experience without fear of being labeled as delusional.

when i listen to charm i am caught between the ethereal and the physical. i am left with a devastating sense that this album was created not to wake me up but to wake the world up. and even so, even as i try to avoid imagining charm as something that was made specially for me, i cannot resist the dream!

i cannot!

charm saved my fucking life! charm finished the job phoebe started and

SAVED. MY. FUCKING. LIFE.

how many times am i going to say it?

don ‘t take me seriously.

take me fucking literally:

claire cottrill and phoebe bridgers saved my fucking life, delivered you this blog through the impact their music had on my soul, and charm finished the job

this is not a delusion.

this is a fact which emerges from the pattern of my experiences.

and so as i describe what i am thinking about when i listen to charm, i am going to be fearless: i am going to tell you exactly how i truly feel during every song.

this music is a person to me. sometimes i personify her in my mind as claire herself, watching over me: claire is the personification of her music; i find this to be natural. that does not mean i think i know claire: i have never met claire. but i am not going to tell you that i do not imagine her as the personified force of her music, looking after me, transforming me, helping me learn how to live a better life.

this music transformed me,

and i owe it to you to demonstrate authentically and fearlessly how that happened.

that said, this is not a retrospective diary: charm forced me to reflect on recent years as whole, and that’s how claire cottrill saved my fucking life.

---

Charm and me: song-by-song description of my experiences

---

I'd run the risk of losing everything
Sell all my things, become nomadic
I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might
Sell all my things and become the night

this was the literal decision which faced me in the days after charm released. i was starting to wear pink bracelets with butterflies dangling from them, and several people in my life — people i had told first! — were telling me i was not allowed to wear my bracelets because i was a “36 year old man.”

Oh, it's hard to believe
It's even irrational for me
I'm cynical, a mess
I'm touch starved and shameless
Mm-hmm

this is how i feel right now about all of this:

i cannot fathom the transformative power this music has had upon me.

i am a mess. i’m touched starved and shameless.

i have the deepest feeling of love imaginable for claire: she created this album.

she saved my fucking life.

But I'd rather be alone than a stranger
You'd come visit me late at night
I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded
Of how it was a dream this time

when i hear this lyric, i think about claire as the personification of her music:

i am alone now — as i write this i am literally homeless and i am in a motel room — but i’d rather be alone than a stranger.

i’d rather be alone than be with people who do not know me.

i know that every single night, claire will visit me through her music:

this music will never stop saving me.

this music will never stop comforting me.

virtually every night for the rest of my fucking life, this music will replenish me.

I'd run the risk of losing everyone
I'd sail and say my phone was overboard
I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might
Take a ship around the world to find

as i listen to charm right now, you know what?

everything was fucking worth it.

this is what it’s like to love and be love, to immerse myself in art and feeling without fear, to express myself to all of you without anyone gaslighting me into thinking i am bad and wrong and “insulting to women.”

i lost so much,

but charm is here for me, and charm means so much more than the people i have lost.

Oh, where you hid the key?
It's even irrational for me
It's chemical, obsessed
I blame you for locking me in
Mm-hmm, ah

as you know, i like to use eastern religious imagery to think about the world.

and when i hear claire say, “oh, where you hid the key?” i think of her again as a bodhisattva. my life feels so ridiculous to me in some ways — my family’s fundamentalism and materialism is just so outrageous; my sisters’ hatred for me is so comical and relentless; W’s surface-levelness is just so difficult for people to believe.

you know what, honestly?

this fucking feels made up.

these people don’t feel real to me.

i feel like i locked myself in that man and i hid a key, and claire saved me:

she promised she would. she was always coming for me.

she was never going to abandon me with these people.

she was always going to create the art that let me out!

that’s how i like to imagine all of this when i listen to her beneath the moon,

and i am not ashamed to use whatever imagery i need to understand my reality.

But I'd rather be alone than a stranger
You'd come visit me late at night
I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded
Of how it was a dream this time

It's always the same
Always the same
Every time I see someone new
I just think of you, nothing I do
Can help it now
Guess I'll have to find

i thought that bolded piece applied to V:

it doesn’t.

i’ve never been on fire with the love i am now:

i’ve never been on fire with the love i have thanks to charm.

fucking thank you claire.

jesus fucking christ.

That I'd rather be alone than a stranger
You'd come visit me late at night
I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded
Of how it was a dream this time
It was a dream this time
It was a dream this time

---

Sexy to someone is all I really want
Sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want
Nothin' more, nothin' less of thought, walkin' through the park
Sexy to someone, I think about it all
Checkin' out of the hotel or moments at a bar
Ask if I'm in a movie, no, I didn't get the part

claire and i lived in brooklyn at the same time for a number of years (i think, not sure how long), and so when i hear “walkin’ through the park” i always think about:

central park!

the park where i truly fell in love with claire’s music!!

clairo - “sling” album cover

and you know what else?

when i was walking through central park i was struggling to succeed as a writer. i could not write because i was performing for people around me who were extremely harsh critics and stridently intolerant of me writing in an “unserious” way.

i felt like this:

Sexy to someone, I think about it all
Checkin' out of the hotel or moments at a bar
Ask if I'm in a movie, no, I didn't get the part

i just wanted to walk through the park and feel sexy to someone:

it wasn’t something i felt very often.

Sexy to somebody, it would help me out
Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house
And it's just a little thing I can't live without

and that was my life in brooklyn then too:

needing a reason to get out of the house!

walk the dog,

be sexy to someone.

Sexy is somethin' I see in everything
Honey stickin' to your hands, sugar on the rim
Nothin' more, nothin' less of thought, take it all to heart
I want afterglowin' and when I call a car
Send me eyes with the knowin' that I could pull it off
Ask if I'm doin' TV, no, I didn't get the job

another reminder as i look back on those walks:

my sense that i would never be a good writer;

my frustration with the people around me who were so hard to please.

i hear claire say, “Sexy is somethin' I see in everything”, and i think, that’s me!! i see sexy in everything!!

but some of those close to me,

they do not think i am sexy when i wear my butterfly bracelets.

and so i would just go out all the time, listening to “sexy to someone,” feeling sexy.

charm was the music that made me feel that way on the darkest days of rejection.

Sexy to somebody, it would help me out
Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house
And it's just a little thing I can't live without

I want to be sexy to someone (is it too much to ask?)
I want to be sexy to someone (then what's holdin' you back?)
I want to be sexy to someone (it's not too much to ask)
Sexy to someone

Sexy to somebody, it would help me out
Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house
And it's just a little thing I can't live without
Sexy to somebody, it would help me out
Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house
And it's just a little thing I can't live without

---

Da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum-dum-dum
Da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum-dum

It's when you're close enough to touch
I've forgotten the point
My train of thought destroyed
It's when you're loud enough to cut
In and through all the noise
My train of thought destroyed

this is what happened to me.

i listened to charm and my train of thought was destroyed,

i forgot the point of all the bullshit holding me back:

clairo was in my ear, for hours and hours and hours a day, every single second i was working on this blog in august, reminding me of my second nature:

she cut in through all the noise,

and she emancipated me from my haters.

And once you get in my ear
I see kismet sinking in
It's second nature
Like the sap from a cedar
Rolling down to be near her
It's second nature

it is kismet.

i understand this now.

charm hit me: she got in my ear.

i could no longer resist.

now i am me.

It's when you're close enough to love

this part is when i begin to feel most delusional, but i can only express my feeling.

why do i connect with claire and phoebe’s art on such a deep fucking level?

why?

and now that they are so embedded into my soul through their art, now that everything i do and everything i am is thanks to them freeing me from my misery through their music, i can only help but feel:

i’ve known them well before.

Soon you'll realize too
How it, it aligns you
Ought to know, know the
Know the truth

Da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum-dum-dum
Da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum-dum

And once you get in my ear
I see kismet sinking in
It's second nature
Like the sap from a cedar
Rolling down to be near her
It's second nature

---

every fucking encounter with claire’s music is a slow dance for me.

a slow dance that reanimates me with love.

Dum, dum, dum, dum

When the moon begins to hide
It's not over
In the window, turnin' light
Does not mean goodbye

sometimes i would just stay up listening to charm so fucking late into the night.

i just couldn’t stop! especially when people were mean to me;

claire’s music made me feel so loved!

claire’s music sets me on fucking fire with so much love!

but then the moon starts to hide.

i have to go to bed. i have to go to sleep.

is it goodbye?

no. claire and her music will always be there for me.

And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
I know you've got people to turn to
And too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down
I know you've got people to turn to

she’s right:

i do have people who love me.

i don’t need to focus only on the haters anymore.

i am free from them now!

and so when i have to turn off the record and go to sleep or go back out into the world without claire and her music, well, i do have people to turn to. i do.

she’s right.

What is it that's keeping one foot out
And the other crawling in bed?
And what is it that's keeping you alone
And leaving after we slow dance?

here is one question that comes to mind:

why was i always so torn between two worlds - my lovers and my haters, one foot in one foot out? why was i so afraid to run to my lovers and leave my haters?

especially after a slow dance with claire’s music?

i needed time to incubate my inner demigirl i guess.

but this is another question that comes to my mind:

what has kept me from writing this post for so long?

how many fucking times have i lectured others about seeing through abstraction and looking detail in the face?

and now for the first time i am doing it myself.

what’s keeping my alone after i listen to claire’s music?

why do i sit alone with those feelings her art has instilled in me?

i will not do that anymore.

i will share the love claire’s music has given me, and i will share that love with the world.

And we fall back in routine
It can't be over
And I remember everything
You used to know her

I could trace it all the way back
I could trace it all the way back

i have told you i believe in reincarnation:

i don’t consider this to be a “doctrine.”

i consider this to be an obvious statement about reality and i don’t mind one bit if you disagree.

but since i do believe so strongly in reincarnation, i find it very easy to imagine:

i will remember everything; i used to know them; i could trace it all the way back.

does that sound delusion?

sure, but that is what i feel when i listen to claire’s music.

And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh)
I know you've got people to turn to
And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh)
I know you've got people to turn to

What is it that's keeping one foot out
And the other crawling in bed?
And what is it that's keeping you alone
And leaving after we slow dance?

And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh)
I know you've got people to turn to
And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh)
I know you've got people to turn to

---

Sometimes I wonder if you were the one
When you opened the door, cracked me wide open
Somethin' about it doesn't sit right with me
And how could it be?

okay so yes: without fucking doubt, after all phoebe’s groundwork, claire is the one who “cracked me right open.”

and yes, “somethin’ about it doesn’t sit right right me / and what could it be?”

the power of this music over me is too much; i’ve absorbed the music into my soul and this music drives me in the world.

there is something beneath the surface and i can feel it.

When I walk away, it always comes in threes
We don't get on, can't make you laugh, personality
But I don't invest the way I'd prefer
Someone to in me

these reflections on collapsed relationships hit at the right time for me:

i was experiencing many collapsing relationships.

and now i realize that there was nothing there: no laughter (i couldn’t be too silly), no personality (i couldn’t be myself); don’t get on. that’s why those relationships all collapsed the moment i started wearing butterfly bracelets:

it wasn’t about laughter or personality or getting on!

i was an object to these people. i was defined in a precise way, and i was not allowed to deviate without consequences from them.

I really hate to admit it
I put my pride on the line
'Cause when I met you, I knew it
I'd thank you for your time
I'd thank you for your time
Thank you for the time

but you know what claire’s music brings into my life?

laughter.

personality.

claire’s music teaches me to love myself!

Sometimes I want somebody to see me
How you opened my doors and left them wide open
Why doesn't this happen more naturally?
If I tried, maybe

what i love about this line is that charm itself is the piece of art that “opened my doors and left them wide open.”

i can listen to this song and literally sing the song back at itself.

When you're lonely, you'll just do anything
To drink it all up, the feeling, it's the memory
That's when it all aligns, I can really see
What you meant to me

I really hate to admit it
I put my pride on the line
'Cause when I met you, I knew it
I'd thank you for your time
I'd thank you for your time
Thank you for the time

All because of you
All because of you
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh

I really hate to admit it
I put my pride on the line
'Cause when I met you, I knew it
I'd thank you for your time
I'd thank you for your time
Thank you for the time

the song of course also makes me think about relationships in general:

i have had so many relationships collapse recently.

in many of these cases, there was nothing there anyway but:

what about relationships from long ago???

i can still thank them for their time.

they saw me; they helped me grow: even if i fucked it up.

---

We can go wherever we want
The plains, the sand, the salt, the dust
You can say whatever you want
I don't care, I'm already gone
We could drive a mile down the road
To get a drink or two, you know

this sense of ease is something i’ve never had in a relationship before, either because i was too fucked up or because the other person demanded that i perform, or both.

to listen to juna is to float into a world where we can go wherever without analysis, where i can say whatever without fear, where we can just go grab a drink:

i’ve never had a romantic relationship like that.

easy. peaceful. safe to be myself.

i don’t know what that’s like:

“juna” is a portal for me.

Simple thing, I don't need much to like, I find
And I, and I guess I don't cry

It's a simple thing we're all afraid and shy away
Now I find
I guess I don't shy
I guess I don't shy

I guess that I don't cry
I guess that I don't shy

that’s how listening to claire’s music makes me feel:

so in touch with the love inside me that i don’t shy, i don’t cry.

i connect:

eloise rising: something happened in the sky last night

---

Ooh-ooh, ooh
Come to me slowly

It's when you talk close enough
That I feel it on my skin, breathe it in
Most of these days (most of these days)
I don't get too intimate
Why would I let you in? (Why would I let you in?)
But I think again

I don't even try
I don't have to think
With you, there's no pretending

You know me, you know me
And I just might know you too, know you
Come to me ready

go dancing
(You make me wanna) try on feminine
(You make me wanna) go buy a new dress
(You make me wanna) slip off a new dress

Don't even try
I don't have to think
With you, there's no pretending

You know me, you know me
And I just might know you too, ooh
Come to me slowly

fucking shit!!!!!

i am pretty sure claire mentioned in an interview that “juna” is her favorite song on the album and jesus christ: this song is pure love,

this song is the song that woke me up to the emptiness of those words:

“we love you and we care about you.”

juna helped me see through the emptiness of those appeals.

juna taught me what i should feel like if i am truly loved: known, not pretending, trying on feminine, putting on dresses and slipping them off, going out dancing, not having to try, not having to think: i’ve never had that! i’ve never known a romance like that, either because i was too fucked up or because the other person forced me to perform. i never loved myself enough to have a relationship like that!

but “juna” give me hope.

“juna” makes me believe:

there are people out there who will love me like that:

my romantic days are not over:

they’re just informed now by what love really means.

now i’m not performing, i’m not trying, i’m going out dancing:

i’m free, and i’ll be loved for it.

and you know what? clairo and phoebe paved the way:

throughout all those years i was surrounded by people who turned out to hate me, these two were nourishing my inner goddess, helping me grow into who i am today.

---

If I could wait for a time to be sad about it, sad about it
I'd choose a day when you've gone away
And I'm all alone upstate, all the way upstate

i saw an interview with phoebe once where she talked about how she wished she could have known elliott smith: she loved his music and they were nearly contemporaries on the scene out in l.a. (i might be missing some details).

that’s obviously just how i feel about claire and phoebe.

what? after all this i’m going to deny wishing i was friends with them?

i feel that same way and this song just makes me think about claire:

i like to imagine her as the personification of this music when we are both living in brooklyn. she sees that all these people around me won’t let me be my true self, and she is mad about it, but she can’t talk to me:

remember? i locked myself in here. she doesn’t have the key.

all she can do is keep making music to wake me up.

and so she can only get mad at the fuckers around me when i’ve gone away from brooklyn and she’s gone upstate.

are you going to call me parasocial?

feel free.

this is a personification of how this music makes me feel:

this music makes me feel like someone is watching over me.

this music makes me strong and powerful and free.

Do you miss my hands hanging on the back of your neck?
It's just somethin' I'm into
Do you miss my name, said it in between your breath
I remember when I see the moon

when i listen to this song, i remember how i too look at the moon:

when W makes me sad, i look at the moon (memory collage)

and i like to think about how phoebe likes to integrate the moon into her songs too:

i love the moon; i’m glad claire and phoebe do too; i look at the moon each night and i listen to them sing in my ears.

Add up my love (ooh)
Add up my love
Honey, was it enough? (Ooh)
Is it ever enough?

If I could wait for a time to be mad about it, mad about it
I'd choose a day when you're on your way
And I can say it all to your face, say it to your face
Do you miss my laugh? Hear it from the back of the room
It's just somethin' I miss too
Do you miss all the ways I put you in your place?
You say you like all of my attitude

Add up my love (ooh)
Add up my love
Honey, was it enough? (ooh)
Is it ever enough?

Add up my love (ooh)
Add up my love
Honey, was it enough? (Ooh)
Is it ever enough?
Add up my love (ooh)
Add up my love
Honey, was it enough? (Ooh)
Is it ever enough?

---

There is something that I need from you
And you're the only one that knows
And if I told the world I needed you
Would you hear your name echo? (Echo)

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh

Our love is meant to be shared
While our love goes nowhere

here’s what i feel like:

i feel like charm has activated my radiant nature; charm has my love spilling out from me.

and my love for charm cannot just be a secret.

otherwise that love goes nowhere!

my love for charm, and the love charm gives me, is meant to be shared with the world:

that way others can see how the transformation power of immersing themselves in music.

There's a secret I can't keep from you
And I think you already know
It's in the things I see in you
And what you notice I echo (echo)

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh

Our love is meant to be shared
While our love goes nowhere

Our love is meant to be shared
While our love goes nowhere

---

I can feel there's something in the between
For a moment, I heard you talking to me
When I drive, I always check over the seat
I could see you right there, waiting on me

is that not what i have been seeking do desperately to see?

the something in the between?

“for a moment, i heard you talking to me” —

as i drove this week, for many many hours, i constantly thought of claire in my ear, telling me: “When I drive, I always check over the seat.” the line seemed to come at just the right moments; charm was a travel goddess watching over me,

guiding me deeper and deeper beneath the surface of things,

I pull on the string that binds me to memories of
The way I loved you
I push on the door
The one I've ignored
The one that leads me to you

and that is it:

that’s what i have denied every time i have written about charm.

my love for charm leads me to love for claire:

i love claire cottrill on the deepest platonic and artistic level. i will always love her.

always.

she saved my fucking life.

the strings binding my memories to her and her art are inseverable.

her music has been absorbed into my psyche: her art helps anchor me in the world.

Glory of the snow
I'm waking up and now I know

Mhm, mhm, mhm-mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm
Mhm-mhm, mhm

I can see there's someone looking for me
For a moment, I heard the rustle in leaves
When I cry, I wanna give you a ring
I can breathe with you right there
Hold onto me

there it is again, the same sense from “smoke signals” —

“there’s someone looking for me.”

the imaginary person in my mind. the girl i was trying to find in my dream journals in 2019. did someone out there feel me looking for them?

and did i feel them?

when the leaves rustled in my backyard in the 2000s, was someone watching over me?

was there someone who cried and wanted to call me but couldn’t?

was there someone who wanted me to hold them but i couldn’t because i was locked up in this body and i’d tossed out the key?

that is what it feels like when you are constantly performing: locked up, under key.

this song makes me think:

they were always going to save me.

claire and phoebe were never going to leave me with these people, and they were never going to leave you with your fucked up parents / friends / partners either.

they were always going to make the music that would result in this blog and also help so many other people find and embrace their own authentic selves.

I dust the windows, the shutters, the channels
Where you'd sit, paper and pen
Sweeping under rugs
The one I was not gonna
Gonna dance on again

Glory of the snow
I'm waking up and now I know

where i sit!

paper and pen!

was that not charm? the album that guided me through my writing through those troubled times???

but i have one final note on the imagery in this song:

glory of the snow; rustle in the leaves. i love the way it connects to my own memories — i always thought there was someone looking at me from the bushes in my backyard; i always saw how the snow glittered when the branches blew through the wind.

Mhm, mhm, mhm-mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm
Mhm, mhm, mhm
Mhm-mhm, mhm

---

And if you need to disappear
You'll have no reason to be sad at all
You'll strike your own matches to logs
May catch an eye while you play sad and soft

this just described my life right now:

i’m temporarily unhoused. i got evicted.

but i have no reason to be sad at all.

i have claire.

i have phoebe.

i have the sky.

i have the moon.

And if you're walking home alone
You'll find a reason, you'll just chalk it up
To being different, being young
And wonder why no one knew you at all

that’s just the thought that comes to me when i question myself:

was i just too different? am i just acting too young?

why didn’t they know me?

i find myself walking alone at night, wondering these things.

Oh
You're just playin' dumb
What's the cost of it, of being loved
When close is not close enough?
Where's your line, when do you draw
When close is not close enough?

Mm, mm
Ooh, ooh, ooh

that’s a question claire first forced me to ask:

is my relationship close enough?

are my friendships close enough?

are my family relationships close enough?

do these people truly love and support me like i want to be loved and supported?

it was a line i never even truly thought about before charm.

but i can’t unsee it.

and i am so grateful for that.

And when you find you're at the pier
Playing out moments when there was a touch
With strangers touching everywhere
You wonder if he knows she's gonna run

Oh
It's somethin' you've done
Opened my hands and I know I've shed some
When close is not close enough (ooh, ooh, ooh)
Where's the fun in it? And now I'm too tough
From close being just too much

Mm, mm
Ooh, ooh, ooh (ah, ah, ah)

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Drive: how i got it back

release the Goddess within: 10 strategies