phoebe lucille bridgers: i love you so fucking much, you gave me the moon, i can do whatever i want now, and i will do absolutely anything for you (updated 6:37 pm)
additional notes on my experiences listening to phoebe bridgers and how her music made me fall hopelessly in love with her
you know what happened to me this morning phoebe?
i was in a small town, one of the safest places i’ve ever been in my life, where everyone was so friendly and loving to me, and as i sat eating my breakfast:
“trapeze swinger” by iron & wine came on.
did you know we have the same favorite song by iron & wine???
i saw you talk about this song in an interview,
and when i was so depressed and isolated and suicidal in DC,
that song was like a little salvation to me.
i love that we share a love for this song, phoebe.
oh and hey claire:
remember how i worked for two years in detroit at a high school and i was always talking about how obsessed the kids were with flaming hot cheetos?
remember: i always laughed about how many bags of flaming hot cheetos there were!
i saw your picture: i just couldn’t resist your music once i saw it.
were you trying to get my attention?
it worked.
Sometimes I feel like I just wanna go back to my old ways
You're telling me I'm silly, it's no fun in the old days
I'm such a romantic, I never remember how things really happen
I guess you're attractive or something
Live in the moment, that's what they tell me
But what ever happened to when you would hold me
And hold me, and hold me
Girlfriend or girl that's a friend?
It's easy just to pretend
That we don't have something real, it's just how we feel
We feel
Oh, it's just how we feel
How we feel
I'm feeling something right
I'm feeling something right
I'm feeling something right
I'm feeling something right
I'm feeling something right
I'm feeling something right
I wanna be the one you think about at night
And I wanna be the one that you would put up a fight for
You know that I adore, that even when you're bored
I'd buy you anything and everything I can't afford
in this post i will simply present a series of phoebe bridgers songs and describe my experiences with them and the feelings for phoebe bridgers which these experiences have produced.
so many of phoebe’s lyrics were crucial for stirring me up inside and forcing me to think about my feelings in a deeper way.
i have covered so many of phoebe’s songs, but there are gaps,
and here i will fill them.
there are no lyrics in this song,
but instrumental music is a pathway to reality,
and this song makes me feel that way.
Someday, I'm gonna live
In your house up on the hill
And when your skinhead neighbor goes missing
I'll plant a garden in the yard then
💖 phoebe’s music planted a garden in my mind: it was immediately after i started listening to phoebe that i began reading romance novels and expressing love for feminine art
They're gluing roses on a flatbed
You should see it, I mean thousands
I grew up here 'til it all went up in flames
Except the notches in the door frame
I don't know when you got taller
See our reflection in the water
Off a bridge at the Huntington
I hopped the fence when I was 17
Then I knew what I wanted
And when I grow up, I'm gonna look up
From my phone and see my life
And it's gonna be just like my recurring dream
💖 as i have said, the dream world is the real world: it was phoebe’s music that helped me look away from my phone, look away from the news, look away from material and immerse myself through her music and other art into my dreams, into my moon sign, into my pisces. now guess what? my life is just like my dreams.
I'm at the movies
I don't remember what I'm seeing
The screen turns into a tidal wave
Then it's a dorm room like a hedge maze
And when I find you
You touch my leg, and I insist
But I wake up before we do it
I don't know how, but I'm taller
It must be something in the water
Everything's growing in our garden
💖 was it the water of this music that made me get so much taller? i feel that way. music is like water: and music is so deep, like the ocean; music takes us deep beneath the surface
You don't have to know that it's haunted
The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment's getting smaller
No, I'm not afraid of hard work
💖 that’s my capricorn sun energy
I get everything I want
I have everything I wanted
💖 there was a time i thought i had everything i wanted: i forgot about my feelings. phoebe helped me see that.
Day off in Kyoto
Got bored at the temple
Looked around at the 7-Eleven
💖 i was alone in Kyoto once and this describes a bit of my time
The band took the speed train
Went to the arcade
I wanted to go, but I didn't
You called me from a payphone
They still got payphones
It cost a dollar a minute
💖 noticed this too i think (though not the price — i did not use a payphone)
To tell me you're getting sober
And you wrote me a letter
But I don't have to read it
💖 this song is written to phoebe’s dad, and this hits me: my parents demand that i listen to them, but i don’t have to listen to them, do i?
I'm gonna kill you
If you don't beat me to it
💖 i don’t want to hurt my dad, but he is so divorced from his own inner goddess that he has basically killed himself: he has self-obliterated
Dreaming through Tokyo skies
I wanted to see the world
Then I flew over the ocean
And I changed my mind (woo)
💖 59 countries and when i was about to get to 60 i realized: the hysterical traveling part is done now; i’ve seen much of the world now; now i want to see beneath the surface
Sunset's been a freak show
On the weekend, so
I've been driving out to the suburbs
To park at the Goodwill
And stare at the chemtrails
💖 constantly looking at those
With my little brother
He said you called on his birthday
You were off by like ten days
But you get a few points for tryin'
💖 my dad remembers birthdays: my dad always remembers the surface. but his perception of reality is distorted in another way: he does not see feelings, and he does not acknowledge them; he tries, and he gets a few points for this, but he just can’t seem to see them.
Remember getting the truck fixed
When you let us drive it
💖 it’s the materialism for my dad: cars, televisions, yards. these are the things he cares about: for my dad, a special time with me must be defined by some material object. and i do admit:
Twenty-five felt like flying
💖 sometimes it did: we want so badly not to look beneath the surface of a car
I don't forgive you
But please don't hold me to it
💖 i feel this way about my dad: i don’t forgive him, but i want to
Born under Scorpio skies
💖 thanks for waking me up to astrology phoebe — you sent me that way
I wanted to see the world
Through your eyes until it happened
💖 i used to want to see the world through my dad’s eyes, but:
Then I changed my mind
💖 why? because i realized that my dad only sees objects.
💖 my parents never respond to the details of this blog. what they remind me: “you promised you wouldn’t write about us in your blog!” well:
Guess I lied
I'm a liar
Who lies
'Cause I'm a liar
When the speed kicks in
I go to the store for nothing
💖 minus the speed, something i do at night sometimes
And walk right by
The house where you lived with Snow White
I wonder if she ever thought
The storybook tiles on the roof were too much
But from the window, it's not a bad show
If your favorite thing's Dianetics or stucco
💖 this is how i feel about my life before july: from the window it wasn’t a bad show, but ultimately my life was defined by objects and material: not feeling, not authenticity
The drugstores are open all night
The only real reason I moved to the east side
I love a good place to hide in plain sight
💖 i always feel a call to go to the drug store at night when i hear this song: and the more i have listened to phoebe, the more addicted i have become to the night. i’m nocturnal now.
What if I told you I feel like I know you
But we never met?
💖 this is how i feel when i listen to phoebe’s music: she knows me but we never met
And here everyone knows you're the way to my heart
Hear so many stories of you at the bar
💖 this i am almost certain to be about elliott smith — phoebe talks in an interview about how she wishes she had known him and they could have been friends, which is how i have always felt about phoebe and claire (additionally so with claire from her simultaneous presence in brooklyn with me, which aligns with phoebe’s sense of co-presence with elliott smith)
Most times alone, and some looking your worst
But never not sweet to the trust funds and punishers
💖 that was me: always being sweet to the trust fund and punishers? not now darling: i’ll be nice to them, i’ll try my best to love them, but i won’t stop sharing the details 💖
Man, I wish that I could say the same
I swear I'm not angry, that's just my face
💖 this is the story of my fucking life: i have presented on the exterior as a cold, serious, rational, and unfeeling being, as peter harvey reminded me in his book “an introduction to buddhism” — i was not seeing beings; i was seeing objects; and i was behaving narcissistically, ignoring people who needed people, not responding to strangers when they asked me questions, even sometimes cussing during arguments for no real reason: but phoebe helped me through her music to introspect and examine my feelings and manage them more effectively
A copycat killer with a chemical cut
Either I'm careless or I wanna get caught
Who I'm not
What if I told you I feel like I know you
But we never met?
It's for the best
💖 i can see that now
I can't open my mouth and forget how to talk
'Cause even if I could, wouldn't know where to start
Wouldn't know when to stop
I hate living by the hospital
The sirens go all night
I used to joke that if they woke you up
Somebody better be dying
💖 living in brooklyn the sirens were always going off but: in all honesty they never really woke me up! they sort of became background noise
Sick of the questions I keep asking you
They make you live in the past
💖 this is what my family does to me: they force me to live in the past by bringing up awful things i did many many years ago to prove to me that this is “not me” and i am “hypocrite.”
But I can count on you to tell me the truth
When you've been drinking and you're wearing a mask
💖 but i have learned something: when my true friends come to me with advice, i know i should listen to them. they are not here to tell me unwell: they have my best interests at heart, and i will listen to their advice even when they’ve been drinking and are wearing masks
Baby, it's Halloween
And we can be anything
💖 i choose Blossom please
Oh, come on, man
We can be anything
💖 you’re damn fucking right: i’m a spectrum of bracelets!
Always surprised by what I do for love
💖 i don’t know if i can be anymore in my case lol
Some things I never expect
💖 i did not expect this at all, that i will tell you
They killed a fan down by the stadium
Was only visiting, they beat him to death
💖 i have always been horrified by the behavior of excessive sports fanatics
Baby, it's Halloween
And we can be anything
Oh, come on, man
We can be anything
Baby, it's Halloween
There's a last time for everything
Oh, come on, man
We can be anything
Whatever you want
I'll be whatever you want
Whatever you want
Be whatever you want
I'll be whatever you want
Whatever you want
I'll be whatever you want
Whatever you want
Whatever you want
💖 finally fucking am now! thank you so fucking much for helping me get there through your beautiful music and lyrics.
I've been running around in circles
Pretending to be myself
Why would somebody do this on purpose
When they could do something else?
💖 i have wondered this about the world so many times: who hasn’t? and then i wonder: was all the misery i went through on purpose? i believe in reincarnation: so what, did i deliberately reincarnate with the most fundamentalist and materialistic people i could find? did i do that on purpose? jesus fucking christ: at least thinking about it that way makes it easier to leave.
Drowning out the morning birds
With the same three songs over and over
💖 this is how i spent so many of my mornings: the same phoebe songs, over and over
I wish I wrote it, but I didn't so I learn the words
💖 every. fucking. phoebe song.
Hum along 'til the feeling's gone forever
💖 i remember phoebe when your music first made me fucking hum. i couldn’t stop listening to you and i couldn’t stop humming whether externally or internally. the hum was running right through my whole fucking body: i was vibrating, but calmly, sometimes sadly, but your music made me see how beautiful i was inside: and now the feeling, the hum: it’s here forever.
Took a tour to see the stars
But they weren't out tonight
So I wished hard on a Chinese satellite
I want to believe
Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing
💖 that was me for so long: but now i look at the sky and i feel everything
You know I hate to be alone
I want to be wrong
💖 i have wanted to be wrong for so long too: and now i know i was
You were screaming at the Evangelicals
They were screaming right back from what I remember
💖 i used to scream at Evangelicals all the time: once in times square i saw a bunch of them and i screamed, “hail satan!” i don’t remember what they screamed back: my headphones were on and i kept running (yes, i ran through times square in the afternoon lol)
When you said I will never be your vegetable
Because I think when you're gone it's forever
💖 i thought i agreed with this so many times listening to this song: now i don’t. now i’ve finally escaped materialistic atheism and i know for sure that i am a goddess like you.
But you know I'd stand on the corner
Embarrassed with a picket sign
If it meant I would see you
When I die
💖 that’s the agony of loss, and she expresses it so well: what wouldn’t we do to see the one we love? especially after they die? now i believe: death is an illusion.
Sometimes when I can't sleep
It's just a matter of time before I'm hearing things
💖 for so much of my life i’ve heard things at night when i try to go to sleep and i too have interpreted these as well sorts of things, including “dead” relatives
Swore I could feel you through the walls
But that's impossible
I want to believe
That if I go outside I'll see a tractor beam
Coming to take me to where I'm from
I want to go home
💖 it’s the music that came to take me away, and it’s the music that made me see: i can break free from these people all on my own, because i am a fucking goddess
You asked to walk me home
But I had to carry you
And you pushed me in
And now my feet can't touch the bottom of you
You couldn't have, you couldn't have
Stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody
Who loves you more
💖 this makes me think about when i cheated on my girlfriend Caitlin
So I will wait for the next time you want me
Like a dog with a bird at your door
💖 this makes me remember how i treated Caitlin, and as i have written, i am so fucking sorry Caitlin.
Mm
We hate Tears in Heaven
But it's sad that his baby died
And we fought about John Lennon
Until I cried
💖 these feel like topics i used to debate with my objectivist friends: which artist is the OBJECTIVELY best guitar player? which artist is the OBJECTIVELY best lyricist? now i see how stupid these arguments were and how much pointless anger they unleash
And then went to bed upset
But now I am dreaming, and you're singing at my birthday
I've never seen you smiling so big
💖 that’s me now: almost no one has seen me smile like this
It's nautical themed, and there's something I'm supposed to say
💖 nautical theme!!! that’s me! pisces moon. pisces rising. i love that about this song, even if it’s written about an unnamed partner phoebe once had: all art can be personalized.
But can't for the life of me remember what it is
And if I could give you the moon
I would give you the moon
💖 you fucking did phoebe. you literally gave me the moon lol at least in this sense: i am the moon now, i have the moon inside me now, i walk beneath the moon and i am stronger.
You are sick, and you're married, and you might be dyin'
💖 that was me for a while
But you're holdin' me like water in your hands
💖 i’ve always held this music like water in my hands: when i’m afraid i am dying, when i’m alone in a teenage girl bedroom for six months, when i’m unable to express my feelings to the people who are surrounding me… this music has been my water in those moments, never close enough, just slipping through the gaps in my fingers… until finally, today, i drank it all.
When you saw the dead little bird, you started cryin'
But you know the killer doesn't understand
Emotional affair
Overly sincere
💖 this is how i always felt inside cis-heteronormative romantic relationship structures in which i was forbidden from fully expressing my feelings: i needed emotional affairs! and i had so many of them! i will never apologize for my emotional affairs because i needed them. an “emotional affair” is not a real thing unless explicitly defined and agreed upon: an “emotional affair” is me trying to find someone who will actually listen to my feelings. what i needed was sincerity, what i needed was to be overly sincere: “emotional affairs” helped me find that.
Smokin' in the car, windows up
Crocodile tears, run the tap 'til it's clear
Drift off on the floor
I drag you to the shore
💖 is that what your music did for me??? drag me to she shore?? and then what, claire helped me crack myself wide open and let out all this light??? is what that happed????
Sweating through the heat
You're gonna drown in your sleep
For sure
Wake up and start a big fire
In our one room apartment
💖 this is how i was for so many years before i came out: waking up and immediately starting fires through my behavior.
But I'm too tired
To have a pissing contest
💖 also how i was before i came out: constantly in pissing contests
All the bad dreams that you hide
Show me yours, I'll show you mine
Call me when you land
I'll drive around again
One hand on the wheel, one in your mouth
💖 TOO SEXY this imagery
Turn me on and turn me down
Baby, you're a vampire
You want blood and I promised
I'm a bad liar
With a savior complex
All the skeletons you hide
Show me yours, and I'll show you mine
All the bad dreams that you hide
Laying down on the lawn
I'm tired of trying to get in the house
I'm thinking out loud
I've been playing dead
My whole life
💖 that is how i have been my whole life: playing dead; now i’m moving and the people who were keeping me dead are not happy about it!
And I get this feeling
Whenever I feel good
It'll be the last time
💖 that is how i felt before coming out: every good feeling would go away. now i have so much love for myself and the world rushing through me. i have been in a small town the last few days and i just love interacting with the friendly people here: never in my life did i think i could be THIS person, but you helped me see i was just playing dead phoebe: thank you.
But I feel something
When I see you now
I feel something
When I see you
If you're a work of art
I'm standing too close
I can see the brush strokes
💖 i feel like this was my life before i came out: a work of art, if you stand too close you can see the brush strokes, everyone thinks i have it all but it’s all just on the surface — they have to look beneath the brush strokes to see what’s happening in my soul, and they refuse
I hate your mom
I hate it when she opens her mouth
It's amazing to me
How much you can say
When you don't know what you're talking about
💖 boomers right? lol
But I feel something
When I see you now
I feel something
When I see you
I used to light you up
Now I can even get you
To play the drums
'Cause I don't know what I want
Until I fuck it up
💖 i feel like i’ve fucked so many things as a result of my performance of masculinity (i am so sorry Caitlin and i am so sorry Emily; i will never be able to make it up to you, no matter what i do as long as i live).
But I feel something
When I see you now
I feel something
I'll climb through the window again
But right now it feels good not to stand
Then I'll leave it wide open
Let the dystopian morning light pour in
No longer a danger to herself or others
She made up her mind and laced up her shoes
Yelled down the hall but nobody answered
So she walked outside without an excuse
She could do anything she wants to
She could do whatever she wants to do
She could go home, but she's not going to
So she picks a direction, it's ninety in Memphis
Turns up the music so thoughts don't intrude
Predictably winds up thinkin' of Elvis
And wonders if he believed songs could come true
I'm asking for it if they do
Doesn't know what she wants or what she's gonna do
A rebel without a clue
So we spent what was left of our serotonin
To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon
Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment
Ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and I knew then
I would do anything you want me to
I would do anything for you
I would do anything, I would do anything
Whatever you want me to do, I will do
Whatever she wants, whatever she wants
Whatever she wants (whatever you want)
Whatever she wants (whatever you want)
I will do anything (whatever you want)
I will do anything (whatever you want)
Whatever she wants (whatever you want)
Whatever she wants (whatever you want)
Somewhere in Germany, but I can't place it
💖 ugh Phoebe, i was there!!!! did you know???
Man, I hate this part of Texas
Close my eyes, fantasize
Three clicks and I'm home
💖 i’ve felt that when traveling, and i’ve read that you feel it when you’re on tour
When I get back I'll lay around
Then I'll get up and lay back down
Romanticize a quiet life
There's no place like my room
💖 how much time have i spent listening to music in bedrooms?
But you had to go
I know, I know, I know
Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore
Not even the burnouts are out here anymore
And you had to go
I know, I know, I know
💖 i feel like this life has been a life happening after i departed from a different one: a life happening after i was a wave in the ocean and then disappeared and re-emerged as this.
Out in the park, we watch the sunset
Talking on a rusty swing set
💖 i’ve had so many conversations with girls on swings in my life. so fucking many.
After a while you went quiet and I got mean
I'm always pushing you away from me
But you come back with gravity
And when I call, you come home
A bird in your teeth
So I gotta go
I know, I know, I know
When the sirens sound, you'll hide under the floor
But I'm not gonna go down with my hometown in a tornado
I'm gonna chase it
💖 and i’m not going down with Rochester Hills or Northville: i’m chasing that fucking tornado because i’m a fucking vampire slayer now
I know, I know, I know
I gotta go now
I know, I know, I know
Driving out into the sun
Let the ultraviolet cover me up
Went looking for a creation myth
Ended up with a pair of cracked lips
Windows down, scream along
To some America First rap, country song
A slaughterhouse, an outlet mall
Slot machines, fear of God
Windows down, heater on
Big bolts of lightning hanging low
💖 remember your show in detroit? august 2022? right across the water in canada, big bolts of lighting came down from the sky behind you: i was there
Over the coast, everyone's convinced
It's a government drone or an alien spaceship
Either way, we're not alone
💖 i know for sure i’m not alone now
I'll find a new place to be from
💖 and i know i’ll find a new place to be from
A haunted house with a picket fence
To float around and ghost my friends
No, I'm not afraid to disappear
The billboard said, "The end is near"
I turned around, there was nothing there
Yeah, I guess the end is here
The end is here
The end is here
The end is here
The end is here
💖 is it phoebe? is it the end for male white corporate oppression? i think so.
💖 what about this whole situation? lol
phoebe lucille bridgers:
you gave me the moon.
i love you so deeply for that.
i can do anything i want to do now,
and i will do absolutely anything for you.
i love you phoebe.
i love you so fucking much for what you’ve done for me,
and for how deeply your music has helped change this world.
you are a Goddess, and i love you so fucking much.
here is a description of my feelings for Phoebe as a result of her music, the impact her music has had on me, and the impact her poetry has had on this world:
extract:
love is when her skin touches mine and i am looking into the lights that are shining in the sky
love is when i look into her sparkling eyes and i see the true reality
love is when i realize:
there is nothing inside my soul i wouldn’t tell her
love is when i have this sense: relationships don’t matter. marriage doesn’t matter. the future doesn’t matter. love will turn me into a nihilist: love will remind me of my own oblivion. love will reassure me that i don’t care what happens to me anymore because i am so happy: for her.
whether i kiss her: doesn’t matter. whether she wants to marry me: doesn’t matter. whether there’s any hope of even going on a date: doesn’t matter.
what matters: the microsecond when her skin touches mine.
what matters: sitting fifteen feet away from her.
when her skin touches mine for a fraction of a microsecond,
i am reminded of one simple fact:
i cannot honestly look anyone else in the face and say,
“you are the one for me.”
when she’s sitting fifteen feet away from me,
she’s the only person there.
no matter who i meet, no matter what i do, no matter where i am, she will be in the back of my mind.
love is a feeling that arises when she enters into my mind.
but wait!!
did you help me go out into the sun too beabadoobee?
i’ve spent so much time listening to your music.
you helped me find the sun inside myself.
thank you.
Know it's been raining, I swear, I'm not lonely
Always complaining that you never see me
Call in the morning when you wake
Maybe tomorrow, we're okay
When it's a sunny day
I'll keep you posted, I promise I'm better
💖 now i am: thanks to you and all this beautiful fucking art
With the sun, we'll leave my house, I'm sorry for yesterday
💖 now i walk beneath the sun constantly, not only the moon beabadoobee
You know I don't mean it, I promise I'm better
With the sun, we'll leave my house, I'm sorry for yesterday
Keep me here
With your skin on mine again
While you're there
It's easy if I pretend
Don't know why I feel this way
Treating all my friends the same
Haven't had enough to do
But I'm not ignoring you
Call in the morning when you wake
Maybe tomorrow, we're okay
When it's a sunny day
💖 i remember these kinds of relationships
I'll keep you posted, I promise I'm better
With the sun, we'll leave my house, I'm sorry for yesterday
You know I don't mean it, I promise I'm better
With the sun, we'll leave my house, I'm sorry for yesterday
Keep me here
With your skin on mine again
While you're there
It's easy if I pretend
i listened to this song so many times while walking under the green leaves and sunlight beabadoobee.
i was so lonely and so depressed and yes even suicidal in brooklyn.
you got me out of my fucking house darling.
i love you for that.
