return to treatment

today i am returning to treatment

later today i am returning to forest view for a third round of treatment. i feel devastated right now, just thinking about the person i have been and the delusions i have held over the past few months, but i am hopeful that this third round of treatment will be the most helpful.

i can’t bring myself to do much of anything. when i think about my life in may and june, i am so happy, and when i think about my life in the years to come, all seems bleak and hopeless. everything feels so fragile and fleeting. i am left with cruel lies about my own actions broadcast to the world and the destruction i have wrought upon almost everything that mattered to me.

what’s amazing to me: people still want to be my friend, even people who have witnessed all of this. how is it possible? i really don’t know. there are people who just love me somehow.

but i don’t want anything like this to ever happen to me or to anyone around me again. am i going to rebuild my life, just to destroy it all again? i can’t do that.

that’s why i’m returning to inpatient mental health treatment. i need to be properly diagnosed and i need to receive the right treatment to make sure i never do this kind of damage to others and to myself again.

i have wasted so much time and money, but it’s the destroyed relationships that affect me most. i hope i can mend some of these after this round of treatment, but i understand that much of what i have done cannot be undone. it’s a terrible thought, and yet i must do whatever i can to make sure this never happens again.

thank you so much to those who love me despite it all. i really don’t know how i could be so lucky to have your support.