running three miles: rebuilding old habits

i'm working to resurrect my running capacities

yesterday i ran three miles. this was my first run in about six months. my legs were dying at the end and i could feel the pain deep in my muscles. it’s been somewhat of a shitty experience for me to lose my connection with running over the course of my psychosis: i was an avid runner in the past who had run four marathons, countless half-marathons, and sometimes 150-200 miles per month when i was seriously training.

sometimes i tell my therapist that everything feels so hopeless. she suggests that i write out my accomplishments and think about how difficult they were to achieve. if i was able to achieve all these difficult feats, then i can get through my life as it is now. i tell her my life as it is now is the most difficult my life has ever been and, knowing what she knows, she doesn’t contradict me.

but somehow i knew that i needed to try and work running back into my life. i missed that post-run feeling of really knowing that i’d done something detoxifying for my body. i missed how when i was stressed i could go for a long run and have so much anxiety shredded out of my body. granted, yesterday i did not immediately feel like i’d done something positive for my body (my legs were wrecked, although that’s a good thing?), but i definitely did feel how i’d done something positive for my mind (re: shredded anxiety). i went from “i’ll never run again” to running three miles and feeling how my brain cleared out so much unproductive thinking (exhibit a: “i’ll never run again”).

by two miles i really felt like i might need to quit the run. i even wondered if i was getting into a situation where i’d need to call my mom to pick me up (i was staying at my parents’ house). my cardiovascular system isn’t what it was and neither are my legs. two miles into the run and i felt like i used to feel after running ten miles. could i really run a whole third mile? the proposition seemed improbably, but i didn’t stop. i remembered the past: even when i felt destroyed at ten miles, i was often able to run another mile to make it eleven. and so i just kept going, not worrying about speed, just keeping things steady, and i was able to finish the out-and-back at my starting point: my parents’ driveway. then i took a delightful shower (always the ultimate treat after any run).

running those three miles helped me change my mindset to some degree. i’ve been consumed with apocalyptic thinking (and honestly the apocalyptic thinking persists during many moments throughout my days — how couldn’t it after everything i did?). but if i can run again, then there are other things i can do too: i can fight through my bipolar disorder and stay on my medication so that my psychosis never happens again; i can rebuild relationships that seem impossible to salvage; i can be a happier and calmer and friendlier presence around people who love me and don’t want to see me sad or agitated. and most importantly, i can always be here for my son.

anyway, that’s yet another post for my substack that takes me back to my livejournal days, but whatever. why not use substack as my diary for a while?

2016 new york city marathon

2017 portland marathon

2017 detroit marathon

2018 portland turkey trot