venturing backward: feelings of home (audio) (written December 9, 2014)

a post from my old blog “venturing backward”

With my car parked one afternoon, I told Marcus what I’d done. He got out, slammed the door behind him, and walked deeper into the subdivision. He never talked to me again.

And yet it seemed at first like maybe it wasn’t even worth it.

Because I didn’t know how to act with Renee once she was my girlfriend. Especially at school. It startled me that someone like her was dating me.

I was afraid to hold her hand in front of people. I didn’t know if she’d like that. I didn’t know if it would be embarrassing.

I was nervous about talking with her in the hallway. I didn’t know if I should hug her goodbye or kiss her goodbye or just say goodbye. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I was afraid to go to Homecoming with her because I thought I’d look like an idiot dancing. And because I didn’t even own a suit. So I just kept saying I wouldn’t go to Homecoming at all.

Often, we would just walk past each other with awkward, uncertain glances.

So we broke up. We decided we just didn’t work as a couple. We were better off as friends.

She went out of town for a few days. I got together one day with Brad, Olivia, and Sarah.

We hung out for a while at a playground. Night fell and we drove around. We coasted through the dark arteries of the subdivisions. Someone brought up Mothman, who was a totally new concept for me. They explained it all. I imagined him flying next to the window of my car.

For weeks, I couldn’t get my fear of Mothman out of my head. If I was getting into my car alone late at night, I would check the back for Mothman. If I was driving down the road after sunset, I would sense Mothman flying behind the car.

In the quiet, peaceful darkness of a Rochester midnight, snapping twigs and rustling leaves now had yet another explanation to supplement the aliens.

The night after Mothman, I was sitting in a rocking chair in Kevin’s basement. Brad and Kevin were on the desktop computer across the room from me. They were looking at some websites, watching some videos, reading some articles, chatting with people on AIM, discussing things.

I didn’t have anything to contribute. I was just thinking about how stupid I was being about Renee. About how I just needed to get the fuck over my internal confidence issues. About how this was even dumber than being afraid of Mothman and aliens.

I flipped my phone open. I texted Renee. I told her I didn’t like that we were broken up, and she agreed. We talked about it over the phone and decided to get back together.

Soon afterward, we were hanging out in Olivia’s bedroom with some people. Renee and I were on Olivia’s bed. Renee was lying in front of me. And I was running my fingers through her hair. She told me she liked that.

So I wasn’t going to overanalyze these things anymore. I promised myself that.

High school life was dense that September. David, a theater guy, was running as a dark horse for Homecoming Court. He was going to displace one of the predictable, football-team guys.

Jess and Julia were his campaign managers. I sat next to Jess in AP English class, so I was able to get updates throughout the effort.

As his staff, Jess and Julia promoted him with slogans like “all hail the pale and frail.” They labeled him “the people’s prince.” They showed up hours before school started and canvassed the walls with fliers. The canvassing almost got them suspended, but the administration – although it knew Julia and Jess were his official campaign staff – couldn’t concretely prove they had done it.

A populist upset was imminent. One of the predictable shoe-ins was done for. These cool kids weren’t used to having to fight against a well-organized campaign.

“Vote David for Homecoming Court,” I wrote in my LiveJournal on September 7. “This is the only thing that truly matters.”

David wore a suit to school the day the results were announced. The administration kept his staff and supporters waiting; they announced his name last.

He wasn’t king – but he had made the court. It was a triumph of the common people.

In the midst of all that, I was sharing a locker with Renee. I never even opened my assigned locker in the senior hallway. I kept all my things in her locker in the 11^th grade wing.

We knew each other’s schedules. We would meet between classes and access her locker if we needed to. Or we would stand around together with mutual friends like Sarah and Olivia, Lindsay and Kevin, Graham and Brad… talking in circles while other students moved about around us.

She was in color guard, and so she sat with the band during Adams football games. On Friday nights that fall I would hang out at the games with Graham and Brad. Graham was dating Rebecca, also a marching band member, and so we would go talk to our girlfriends together. Sometimes we’d bring them small gifts from the concessions stand.

Eventually I would be the one driving her after games, either to her house or to hang out somewhere in Rochester.

Sometimes I would just drive us to the CVS at the Adams & Walton intersection. I would buy some Whoppers and a Mountain Dew. We would sit in my blue Chevy Impala, watching the other cars drive north and south on Adams below us.

Going to the bookstore was a big thing for us. We liked spending time at Borders and Barnes & Noble. We would spend an hour walking through the literature section, the history section, the science section… discussing different reading options, making recommendations to each other, talking about books that neither of us had read – but that both of us dreamed of reading.

We did homework together a lot in my basement. Eventually, we spent almost every weekday night in my basement, studying and cuddling.

I had this thing where I craved McDonald’s after a good make-out session. Sometimes we would go to the McDonald’s at Adams & Walton, just across from the CVS, at around 11 at night. I would get a double cheeseburger, fries, and a Coca-Cola. We would sit in my car – sometimes on my car – and talk while watching people line up at the drive-through.

There was a night in September when I joined Renee to hang out with her friends Carley and Jen. All we did is talk while sitting in chairs on a deck in a backyard. But I felt lucky she was willing to include me in her social life. I felt fortunate she was willing to show me to these people as her boyfriend. And I felt blessed to be able to sit next to her on a deck for a few hours.

The most ordinary things – going to McDonald’s, sitting in a CVS parking lot, doing homework in my basement, shopping at a bookstore – gained meaning if Renee was a part of it.

I sat with Graham and our friend Ryan in AP History class. Usually, we would just hang out and chat while Mr. Shaltz talked with the class about things like football and wrestling and track. On Fridays he’d give us a test covering that week’s reading; other than that, we were on our own.

Every Monday, we sat down, glanced at each other, and did the rounds. “How’s Rebecca?” we asked Graham. “How’s Tanya?” we asked Ryan. “How’s Renee?” they asked me.

If things were good with Renee, things were good with me. Graham knew that.

I would listen to songs like Marching Bands of Manhattan and wish I could write something like that for Renee.

Often, I couldn’t banish the thought that I didn’t deserve all this. She looked too cute in her color guard uniform. Every outfit she chose to wear at school made her look more beautiful in a different way. When she wore her long brown hair a little curly, I still wanted to kill myself rather than endure the overwhelming sense of attraction.

One night in September, we went to our friend Elisa’s birthday party with Sarah, Olivia, Brad, and others. At some point, it seemed like Brad and Renee were flirting. Brad even chased Renee through the yard. And I instantly felt certain I was going to lose her to my friend.

I told her about this feeling. She reassured me, but I still feared for the future.

I read Othellofor AP English class. I thought about how he destroyed himself and an entire relationship all because he was consumed with jealousy. I feared maybe I was the same way.

Homecoming happened on September 24^th. I wasn’t wearing a suit; I was wearing a blue blazer and khakis. So, looking at the pictures, I concluded that I didn’t really deserve Renee. All the other guys were wearing suits. And as usual I was dressed like an unsophisticated idiot compared to people around me.

But I knew I was in love with her when we were dancing slowly. And the same when we were dancing wildly to songs like Gold Digger by Kanye West. Any time we kissed, my insecurities slipped away and I fell into the moment of just being with her on the dance floor.

I thought several times at Homecoming to tell her I loved her. But I didn’t.

She had to be home early that night. After I dropped her off, I drove home and walked from my house to Jess’s after-party. I stayed up all night there with Jess, with Chockley, with Kate, with Julia, and with all the theater people like David.

I wished Renee were there so I could sleep on the floor somewhere with her. Some other couples were doing that.

Walking home while the sun rose, I thought about how I wanted to tell her I loved her.

It finally happened on Saturday night, September 31^st. We spent most of the night sitting in my car listening to Broadway music. Renee always liked to switch to that station on the XM radio. She loved songs from musicals like Les Miserables.

And after hours of just being ordinary with her, the feeling built up until it needed to be released. I told her “I love you” and she said it back.

We parked on the side of some subdivision road one night. We danced next to my car in the dark and in front of someone’s house.

October came. I got accepted into Michigan State University. That Congratulations, You’re a Spartan!envelope showed up and I marched through my house with joy. I was planning on studying History and English so I could become a high school teacher or maybe a college professor – I wasn’t sure which. My mom gave me some money so I could go buy a Michigan State hoodie from Dick’s on Rochester Road.

I was afraid of what this meant for me and Renee long-term. Renee was an 11^th grader; I would be in East Lansing, and she would stay in Rochester.

I didn’t like that. Fortunately, though, Michigan State felt so far away from the present.

That month, I started going to St. John’s Lutheran Church with Renee on certain Sundays.

God was important to her. I was a moderate Christian now, not a radical at all, but God was still important to me, too. And I liked going to a more traditional service like those at St. John’s. I didn’t like the revenue-generating strategies and circus performances at places like Kensington.

After church, we would get into my car and pull off onto University. Sometimes we’d head to my house to do homework and study in my basement. Other times we’d go to nearby Rochester Park for a walk. Some afternoons we’d shop at Target, Barnes & Noble, or Best Buy on Rochester Road and then get lunch together at Max & Erma’s.

What mattered is that we were just alive together on a Sunday. Going to church. Getting lunch. Running errands. Studying. It really didn’t matter as long as it was with Renee.

In the middle of October, we went to a friend’s basement to watch Nightmare on Elm Street with a bunch of people. Renee started to get really scared about ten minutes into the movie. She cuddled tightly into my body and asked if we could leave.

We left the basement and went to my car. I was happy with that. We spent the rest of the night listening to the Broadway station on XM and talking in my blue Chevy Impala.

We went to Olive Garden on Rochester Road for our first proper date. It was October 23^rd. She was wearing this moderately thick yellow sweater that I thought looked so good on her. I always asked her never to get rid of that sweater.

I can still see her sitting across the table from me. I can still feel that sense of contentment I had. Just talking with her over that meal. Just seeing her brown hair landing on the shoulders of that yellow sweater.

Halloween was coming. I went over to Renee’s house to carve pumpkins with her and her little siblings. Later that day, we went to Target together, and I said something about “when we get home…”

She squeezed my hand. She told me she liked it that I used “home” to describe our common destination. And I was at a point where I didn’t feel like ordinary, hometown things were “home” at all without her being there.

I liked driving down Dutton with the brown leaves falling off the tree branches above us. I liked knowing she was right there next to me... looking at the autumn with me.

I liked driving her from my house to her house late at night. I loved when we would have to stop at the Adams & Dutton light. It seemed to last forever, but I adored the way the red light illuminated her face in the darkness of the car. I lived to sneak a kiss in those moments.

Halloween fell on a Monday. We went trick-or-treating that night with Olivia and Sarah. I didn’t care that I was 17 and trick-or-treating like a little kid; I only cared that I was enjoying an evening with Renee.

On November 12^th, Renee and I celebrated our three-month anniversary, as we called it. We went to see the fall play at Adams. Then we went to Max & Erma’s for dinner. She was wearing her yellow sweater and it made me want to die.

In the coming weeks, we spent numerous nights cuddled under blankets on the couch in my basement. We watched The Notebook and Cold Mountain on the TV. We went with some friends to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when it came out on November 18^th. The theater was packed with other kids from Adams.

On a school night that month, there was a bad snowstorm that messed up the roads. Renee’s mom was worried about me safely driving Renee. So I couldn’t come pick her up and bring her over.

That was terrible because Renee and I did homework together almost every school night. I didn’t want to do homework without Renee.

But Renee had her mom drive her to my place. I remember standing on the driveway, in the glow of the headlights from her mom’s white SUV. Renee got out and gave me a gift: a 12-pack of Fresca, one of my favorite beverages.

I spent the night thinking about how much I loved her for little things like that.

It was almost as good as the other gift she gave me that month. A mixed CD that she called Andrew’s Aliens. That CD was my first encounter with Sufjan Stevens and his song Chicago.

I even saw her on Thanksgiving Day. I didn’t want anything to do with a holiday that didn’t include Renee. So I went with her to our friend Jen’s house. We watched My Fair Lady in the living room with Jen and Jen’s mom.

Yet all through November I was haunted by a distant future.

I listened to the song Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars a lot. I imagined that I was like the main character…. In this nightmare, I was 25 years old. I hadn’t seen Renee in years. Suddenly I ran into her at a party, and I didn’t even remember her name. We caught a taxi together in the rain and sat quietly.

I played One More Night by Stars and imagined being in my early twenties, having one final night with Renee before I lost her forever.

I turned on the song Transatlanticismby Death Cab for Cutie. I imagined that I would go away to Europe for a while. Maybe for months. There, I would be separated from her by the whole Atlantic Ocean. I would need her so much closer. And all of it would end.

Any time I heard Death Cab's Title and Registration, I would see us in our mid-twenties, finished with college. She would get into her car. She would drive east with her degree – to find a better life that didn’t include me. All I could do was watch the taillights.

I used to call Renee and tell her how worried I was. I was convinced she was going to break up with me, and I told her so. I could not hold back my fears, my insecurities, my sense of not deserving anyone I interacted with – especially someone of Renee’s caliber.

She would always reassure me, and she’d always be confused by how scared I was.

Yet I still thought it was all too good to be true. I wrote in my LiveJournal that month that Renee was my “first true love.” But I was afraid the firstimplied a second.

On Saturday, November 26^th, I hung out with Jess and Kate for the first time in a while. We got Taco Bell for dinner and went to see the new Indiana Jonesmovie. Then we sat in Kate’s living room watching some show called Humanzee. It was about this alleged human-chimp hybdrid that some people believe existed.

I liked hanging out with them. I would have liked to do it more often, but I spent way more time with Renee. And with Graham. Sometimes Renee and I would go on double dates to Taco Bell with Graham and Rebecca. Other nights, when Renee was busy, I would just drive in circles around Rochester with Graham. Or Graham and I would sit in Taco Bell chatting for hours, refilling our drinks and sometimes ordering another taco.

I wondered if I was spending too much time with Renee. I wondered if this was affecting my friendships with people like Jess and Chockley.

But as the holiday season heated up, I couldn’t get enough.

On December 6^th, I went to the Rochester Christmas Parade with Graham. Then I spent the whole rest of the day hanging out with Renee.

On December 12^th, I wrote a LiveJournal entry about how it was my four-month with Renee. I included a picture of the boutonniere I had worn to Homecoming with her, which I had saved. And we celebrated with a date night of dinner followed by cuddling in my basement.

I was upset because she wasn’t going to be home for Christmas. She was going to be in Ohio. In this new era, a Christmas without Renee didn’t seem like much of a Christmas to me.

But she wasn’t leaving right away. We exchanged gifts on December 22^nd. I gave her a sparkly, silver heart necklace, which I thought looked nice on her. She wore it often and I liked that.

We watched Gladiatorin my basement on December 23^rd. And then she was off.

I listened to songs like I’ll Be Home For Christmasand felt sad that Renee wasn’t with me. I felt in some way like I wasn’t even home for Christmas. The concept of home had merged with Renee.

During that break, I enjoyed hanging out with friends like Sarah and Olivia. But I still wished Renee was there.

Even all the good things about my 18^thbirthday, on December 26^th, seemed diminished without Renee.

That day, I woke up early and walked downstairs. My Uncle Jeff, his daughters, and my immediate family surprised me by all wearing Michigan State sweaters and singing Happy Birthday to me. I liked that a lot. I loved them all. But I still felt like a birthday without Renee was a bit silly.

That night, I went to Max & Erma’s for dinner with some friends like Lindsay and Kevin. It was nice. I was glad to see them all. But I was sad that Renee wasn’t a part of it.

Jess called me on the morning of the 27^th – to wish me a happy birthday. She had forgotten the correct date. So I ended up with two birthdays. Because she had me and some other people over to her basement that night to celebrate.

I enjoyed it. But not as much as I should have. Because the whole time, I knew I wouldn’t be there if I was able to hang out with Renee instead.

In the same way that Renee’s presence could bestow meaning upon the otherwise mundane, her absence could remove meaning from the otherwise significant.

On January 1, 2006, I wrote a LiveJournal entry about how I was a bit dissatisfied with my Christmas Break. I talked about how my break was mostly boring and primarily uneventful – except, I noted, for moments like the night that Renee returned.

“In any case,” I concluded, “I am going to a movie with Renee tonight, and I am very happy.”