what my anger taught me about my ego
who am i to ask you to listen to me?
throughout the morning i have continued to think about the following:
i was suddenly overcome with a need to get W to listen to me.
and as a result of this need to get W to listen to me, i lost sight of my mission:
but not only must we strike back,
because we are not here to fight:
we are here to be joyful,
we are here to love each other,
we are are to always remember:
our joy is an act of resistance.
i don’t want to sit inside anger or allow anger to control me.
as marylinne robinson says in gilead:
“a little too much anger, too often or at the wrong time, can destroy more than you would ever imagine. above all, mind what you say. “behold how much wood is kindled by how small a fire, and the tongue is a fire”—that’s the truth.”
(marylinne robinson, gilead)
what makes me angry?
trying to convince people i am sane.
and in the process of trying to convince people i am sane, i appear as less sane.
people are telling me i need to be in a treatment program, and not only because of my anger! when i laugh too much, when i talk too fast, when i word things differently than i did before, when i move differently — they say, “your behavior is concerning.”
they say i need to be in a treatment because of my fun behavior too:
silly videos on linkedin, posts about how i have “no goals,” me joking too much or about new things, me talking about new topics or focusing on new aspects of reality.
i accept that these people label me as unwell.
i accept that they do not know me;
they want andrew back.
and i am no longer angry at them for it.
i do not want to convince them of my sanity.
i understand now:
the desire to convince someone else of my sanity can only lead me to anger: and anger can only distort my perception of reality, my sense of compassion for others, and my own internal sense of calm, all of which are essential.
there were so many issues with my ego which i thought i had addressed but:
no, i had not.
what was i defending when i let anger control me?
my ego: my own definition in someone else’s mind of me as a “sane person.”
i forgot my own lessons:
what does it matter if they think i am being serious?
what does it matter if they think i am being authentic?
what does it matter if they think i am sane?
what does it matter if they think i need a treatment program?
they cannot force me into one so long as i pursue non-attachment to what they think about me. indifference to their opinions is essential to me: i see that now.
this is why i will no longer argue with them, try to make them listen to me, or try to reassure them. if i pursue that path, i will sabotage my own tranquility.
i need to stop defending myself so much:
defending myself is an illusion,
because we all emanate from the same light,
no?
there’s just one type of feeling i want to hold:
