when the World makes me sad, i look at the Moon (memory collage) — fiction
i feel as though: i am the moon (this is a work of fiction)
walks at night
one night when i am walking in the dark i declare my love for night walks to the world.
and then:
a demon appears before me, materializing from the ether, a creature tall and slender, a woman:
“what are you up to?” she asks.
“i am out for a walk,” i say.
“out for a walk?” the dark silhouette demands. “at eleven at night?”
“yes,” i say nervously, “i like how pretty it is outside at night.”
she scoffs: “behavioral norms dictate that we watch television at this time!”
a thousand demons appear behind her. they all look exactly the same! soon they are walking away from me down the street. they are all going into their houses to watch tv.
the moon above me (all photos my own)
my uncle makes me sad
my uncle is always getting upset with me for not watching enough tv.
my uncle tells me that once you have kids, you learn that you need to watch a lot of tv.
my uncle is not the only one who tries to correct me.
i go stand in the corner with all my male cousins,
and there is so much inside me i do not share with them:
romance novels, history books, theological studies, tarot readings, feelings about music, dreams about everything. i try sometimes to mention these things to my brother. “nahh,” he says, “not my thing.”
my uncle sees my romance novels: he looks at me skeptically.
“those for your girlfriend?” he asks.
it’s the same when i talk to the other guys: i want to tell them about my bracelets and my scrunchies, the ones i keep hidden away in my drawers, but i cannot.
they would all leave me here.
i know it:
i would be alone.
my brother says he is my best friend, but the truth is:
talking to my brother makes me feel sad.
after i talk to my brother, i listen to this song that makes me think about him.
don't you know that I feel sad?
you only know how to get mad(camera obscura, “let’s go bowling”)
television
my dad is upset with me because of my mental health issues, which he says i do not address. he believes watching more tv would be good for me.
“you will go crazy,” my dad tells me one day, “if you stop watching tv.”
i am tara and i am willow
i won’t deny it: buffy is one reason why i like the moon.
when i walk at night beneath the moon in this neighborhood, i think about sunnydale.
there’s a cemetery to my left as i walk down the hill.
when i look at the moon i pretend that i am tara and i pretend that i am willow.
i am happy and i am at peace.
pisces aspects
i want to know: what is the moon?
the gravity of the moon entangles me. i am linked forever with the moon.
long ago i came to understand that the moon is inside me. the moon in terms of me: pisces, the sign with which i most strongly identify, the sign i feel is my innermost self.
my moon sign.
but my pisces aspects are buried deep inside.
i want to be a writer: i know i must bring out my inner pisces. i cannot be myself without embracing my inner pisces. and what that means is:
💖 compassion
💖 emotional & spiritual intuition
💖 creativity
💖 sensitivity
💖 empathy
💖 difficulty setting boundaries
i can feel these pisces aspects swirling inside of me.
there is no doubt in my mind that i am a pisces moon: that the moon floats inside me.
but the guys in my life — they do not know this!
i am always in the sun with these guy friends,
always in the light of my capricorn sign with its grimly determined exterior,
and i am never showing them the water that flows within.
looking at the moon
my dad tells me that to deal with my mental health issues, i must “be an adult.”
but i know that is not true.
i know at least one thing i must do:
i must look at the moon.