when W makes me sad, i look at the moon (memory collage)
i feel as though: i am the moon
walks at night
one night when i am walking in the dark i call my friend W.
βwhat are you up to?β he asks.
βi am out for a walk,β i say.
βout for a walk?β he demands. βat eleven at night?β
βyes,β i say nervously, βi like how pretty it is outside at night.β
he scoffs. βi donβt go for walks at night,β he says. βiβm watching tv.β
the moon above me (all photos my own)
W makes me sad
W is always getting upset with me for not watching enough tv.
W tells me that once you have kids, you learn that you need to watch a lot of tv.
there is so much inside me i do not share with W: romance novels, history books, theological studies, tarot readings, feelings about music, dreams about everything. i try sometimes to mention these things to W. βnahh,β he says, βnot my thing.β
W says he is my best friend, but the truth is:
talking to W makes me feel sad.
after i talk to W, i listen to this song that makes me think about him.
don't you know that I feel sad?
you only know how to get mad(camera obscura, βletβs go bowlingβ)
television
W is upset with me because of my mental health issues, which he says i do not address. he believes watching more tv would be good for me.
βyou will go crazy,β he tells me one day, βif you stop watching tv.β
i am tara and i am willow
i wonβt deny it: buffy is one reason why i like the moon.
when i walk at night beneath the moon in this neighborhood, i think about sunnydale.
thereβs a cemetery to my left as i walk down the hill.
when i look at the moon i pretend that i am tara and i pretend that i am willow.
i am happy and i am at peace.
pisces aspects
i want to know: what is the moon?
the gravity of the moon entangles me. i am linked forever with the moon.
long ago i came to understand that the moon is inside me. the moon in terms of me: pisces, the sign with which i most strongly identify, the sign i feel is my innermost self.
my moon sign.
but my pisces aspects are buried deep inside.
i want to be a writer: i know i must bring out my inner pisces. i cannot be myself without embracing my inner pisces. and what that means is:
π compassion
π emotional & spiritual intuition
π creativity
π sensitivity
π empathy
π difficulty setting boundaries
i can feel these pisces aspects swirling inside of me.
there is no doubt in my mind that i am a pisces moon: that the moon floats inside me.
but W does not know this. i am always in the sun with W, always in the light of my capricorn sign with its grimly determined exterior, and i am never showing him the water that flows within.
a creative retreat with W
W and i go on vacation one weekend to try and write a movie script together.
the process is agonizing: at no point do i feel like i can share my feelings with W, and it is unclear to me how the creative process is to proceed without emotional connection.
by the end of the day, W and i are fighting.
i vape weed and write my own stories in my notebook.
i am much happier writing alone: i can be with my feelings, be with my pisces sign.
i have this thought: βif only i were creating something with a woman.β
a couple hours later W comes out. we make up, sort of.
W comments,
βi canβt believe how long weβve gone without watching tv.β
he asks if we can watch tv just for a little bit.
he says he cannot believe i do not watch tv. and itβs true: we loved to watch chilling adventures of sabrina, buffy, and other witchy things.
but iβm focused on reading right now, iβm focused on music, iβm focused on feelings and art, and unfortunately: i canβt share these things with W.
looking at the moon
W tells me that to deal with my mental health issues, i must βbe an adult.β
but i know that is not true.
i know at least one thing i must do:
i must look at the moon.