soccer mommy: she cast the spell that made me cool

in the fall of 2021 i spent hours listening to soccer mommy in prospect park and in my brooklyn apartment: her lyrics gave me the image of a girl who was cool, and i wondered: could i ever be her?

“clean” album cover

for so long i was afraid:

i am not a cool person!

i thought i was a loser.

i thought that if i acted like myself,

no one would like me.

i don’t think that anymore but:

how did i grow beyond that?? how did i learn that i was a cool person???

one method:

i spent hours listening to soccer mommy.

here is how sophia allison helped me bring out my inner cool.

i mean, look at her:

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“clean”

by

“soccer mommy”

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it’s the way sophia writes that makes me wanna be fucking cool:

In the summer
You said you loved me like an animal
Stayed beside me
Just enough to keep your belly full
Then you took me
Down to the water, got your mouth all clean
Left me drowning
Once you picked me out your bloody teeth

like jesus,

this is how to spend your autumn:

Spent the autumn
In the forest hunting for a wolf
Tried to find you
Stopped my searching when the nights grew cold
Dreamt I saw you
Down by the water with your mouth still clean
You were searching
I came to you and you said to me

i love the way sophia’s lyrics pull me into this semi-fantastical world.

That I'm not only what you wanted for a little while
Only what you wanted for a little while
Only what you wanted for a little while, yeah
Only what you wanted for a little while

Through the winter
I was shuttered in between my sheets
Checked the window
Just to see if you'd come back to me
The spring was coming
I saw you running down to the creek
A ring finger
Fell to the water from your bloody teeth

I guess I'm only what you wanted for a little while
Only what you wanted for a little while
Only what you wanted for a little while, yeah
Only what you wanted for a little while

every time i listen to this song,

i have a new interpretation, a new feeling. new imagery.

i love that:

i want to be the wolf in the woods sophia’s hunting for.

i want her to see me running to the creek, with my finger intact — or did i bite the ring finger off someone else?

i want to spend the winter shuttered in between sheets, checking the window just to see if my wolf has come back to me.

sophia reminds me:

reality is poetic;

we can only truly understand reality if we think poetically;

and thinking poetically well,

trust me:

it’s fucking cool.

and this she taught to me through a song about something painful: the wolf seems by the end to be someone who only wanted her for a little while.

but i’m a wolf who wants this music until the day i fucking die.

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Mary has a heart of coal
She'll break you down and eat you whole
I saw her do it after school
She's an animal

mary stands in here, for me, as a figurative expression of all the lovers, friends, and family members who have been determined to break me down and eat me whole.

She won't ever love no boy
She'll treat you like a fucking toy
She'll break your heart and steal your joy, like a criminal

that’s who these people are,

the enemies of my coolness.

they want to treat me like a toy,

by which i mean:

they want to treat me like an object.

this is why they are so concerned about my “behavior” but never ask about my feelings:

they see me as a toy that has malfunctioned; they see mental health services as an auto shop they can take me to where i will be fixed so as to exhibit “appropriate behavior.”

and all the while, they just want to steal my joy, like criminals:

they know i am happy right now,

but that doesn’t matter to them.

Ooh, I wanna know her like you
I wanna know her like you
I wanna be that cool
I wanna be that-

i would listen to this song over and over and think:

why does sophia want to know this chick? mary i mean?

i don’t really know honestly but:

i’m realizing it’s because at this point in the song,

mary means something totally different to me (and always did to sophia).

mary is now a cool person and what makes her cool is that she does not give two fucking shits about this boy (who we can assume sucks)

Mary keeps you off her mind
She wants to spend her weekend right
Out with her friends just getting high, like a stoner girl
And you wait outside on her street
You sit for hours just to see
The girl you pictured in a dream, as the only girl

Ooh, I wanna know her like you
I wanna know her like you
I wanna be that cool
I wanna be that-

and as i listened to this song,

over and over and over,

for hours and hours and hours,

i would think:

jesus, i wanna know her too!

i wanna be a stoner girl!!!

Ooh, I wanna know her like you
I wanna know her like you
I wanna be that cool
I wanna be that-

and you know what?

i feel like now i am.

now i’m a stoner girl.

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this song encapsulates how my haters made me feel when i was still attached to the idea that i needed them to accept me:

i was like their fucking dog (no offense to dogs).

I don't wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in the freezing cold

I don't wanna be your little pet
At the edge of every bed
You sleep in, body stretching out
Guess I'll curl up on the couch

my haters all claim to love and support me,

but this is the reality of my experience when i am with them.

there’s a collar on me neck,

they’re tying me to a pole,

they’re leaving me in the freezing cold so long as my “behavior” is acceptable.

but i don’t wanna be their little pet on the edge of the bed.

i don’t wanna curl up on the couch anymore.

i don’t wanna be contained.

Always talk to other people
Dart my eyes across the room
Forehead kisses break my knees in
Leave me crawling back to you

that’s how it is isn’t it?

with the people who hate us but say they love us?

they pay attention to others but never to us.

they give us the forehead kisses that make us think,

“maybe they really do love me!”

and then we’re crawling back to them.

but through songs like this one, sophia helped me learn:

'Cause I don't wanna be your baby girl
That you show off to the world
When do you decide you wanna feel
Like you limit something real

she made me learn i am not just a trophy;

she made me learn:

I'm not a prop for you to use
When you're lonely or confused
I want a love that lets me breathe
I've been choking on your leash

whenever i speak again with the haters who abandoned me,

and who still obsessively view my instagram stories,

i remember how awful it was to choke on their leashes,

and i remember:

i want a love that lets me breathe.

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Baby I'm all messed up
Took a bottle, poured a cup
I thought that would fill me up
But maybe it's just a flaw
That I've been havin' all along
In thinking love would be that strong
Baby don't leave me now
I'm talking to your friends for hours
You slipped in kisses on the mouth
I tried my best to work it out
I took you swimming by my house
We skinny dip and rip my flowers out

here sophia again captures the experience of being treated like an object:

she is left alone with her feelings, resorting to bottles and cups to fill her up, and she’s become disillusioned with love itself: “thinking love would be that strong” is a mindset she now imagines might be a “flaw.”

she’s a trophy: she’s left talking with this person’s friends; she’s left with kisses slipped into the mouth but no apparent attention paid to her feelings; and yet she’s still trying her best: going skinny dipping, ripping her flowers out.

And I choose to let it stew
Oh I choose, choose to blame it all on you
'Cause I don't like the truth

and isn’t this the truth???

so often,

i blamed the people keeping me contained for my own containment.

at any moment,

i could have told them: “fuck off, i’m going to do me.”

but i didn’t because i was so fucking desperate for them to love me.

i didn’t have the self-esteem to believe i could be cool.

and i didn’t want to look at the truth.

how many friendships and relationships have i thrown myself into like this:

Baby I lost my faith [in love? i wonder]
I kissed him on the second date
Spent the evening at his place
He filled me with a different name
I should have known that something stained
Love and lust won't feel the same

And I choose to let it stew
Oh I choose, choose to blame it all on you
Yeah I choose, oh I choose to let it stew
Oh I choose, choose to blame it all on you
'Cause I don't like the truth
That none of this was you
I guess it's just a-

there’s so much i was letting stew when i first encountered sophia’s music,

and then she helped me leave those feelings behind,

through her music:

she saved me.

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“blossom”

too good right?

this song makes me think about all the time i’ve spent,

wondering if the people who don’t love me, really love me:

Wastin' all my time
Wonderin' if you really loved me
I was wastin' all my time
Thinkin' 'bout the way you treat me

one thing i have learned about those who treat us like objects:

they will never accept our version of how they treat us.

they will always simply say, “i really do love you, of course i do,”

and we will always be left alone with our thoughts.

Wastin' all my time
On someone who didn't know me
I was wastin' all my time
On someone who couldn't love me

and in many cases, i have learned:

not only do these people not know us,

they couldn’t love us if they tried.

because they never get the real us to begin with:

we are constantly straining to comply with their expectations,

twisting ourselves up into knots.

but what we know in our hearts to be true is that:

the moment we show them the real us,

is the moment they leave us in the dust.

And I knew when I met you
I'm not the one you wanna be with
'Cause I can't see you blossom
In the future that I'm dreamin'

ask yourself the question i had to ask myself about so many people:

can you see these people blossoming in the future you’re dreaming?

i’m only blossoming right now because i cut them off.

they never would have allowed me to write this.

and don’t be sad when you lose them.

you’ll discover what i discovered:

multitudes who truly love you.

I'll be spendin' all my time
With someone who really wants me
I'll be spendin' all my time
With someone who really needs me

'Cause I found someone who has time
To show me they really love me
So I'm not wastin' any time
Even though he's still far from me

And I knew when I met him
That he's the one I wanna be with
'Cause I can see him blossom
In the future that I'm dreamin'

So it's not wastin' any time

i’m done wasting my time with the people who cannot love me.

i don’t need them: i have soccer mommy now.

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this song makes me think about all the time i’ve spent my time comparing myself to others, the “last girls” who were so much cooler than me: the partners who came before, the other friends my loved ones had, the ways i lacked in my own eyes.

how much time have i spent wishing i were someone else?

and why? because i thought:

if i were this other person,

that person would want me.

I want to be like your last girl
She's got looks that drive you wild and
Love the way she wears her makeup
She would be so nice to wake up to

She's so sweet
And she's so pretty
Even more than me

I want to be like your last girl
She's the sun in your cold world and
I am just a dying flower
I don't hold the summer in my eyes

She's so cool
And the boys all drool
When she leaves with you

how often have i looked around and thought: prettier than me, looks that make others go wild, nice to wake up to, makes the boys drool… and how often have i thought: i wish i could be that person,

but i’m “just a dying flower,

“i don’t hold the summer in my eyes.”

any time a girl has left a party with me, i’ve just felt so fucking shocked and grateful.

until 36, i always had this mindset about my own attractiveness, in every sense, every single time i’ve compared myself to some other person:

Maybe I'm just feeling like
I don't have a chance this time
Because I don't have a chance this time I swear

Why would you still want to be with me?
She's got everything you'll ever need
Why would you still want to be with me?
She's got everything

I want to be like your last girl
She's got looks that hypnotize and
She could keep you occupied
I know she still hangs in your mind these days

so often i’ve wondered,

could i ever hang in someone’s mind?

i look at another person and i think:

She's so fine
And she's always nice
Does it drive you wild

Maybe I'm just feeling like
I don't have a chance this time
Because I don't have a chance this time I swear

Why would you still want to be with me?
She's got everything you'll ever need
Why would you still want to be with me?
She's got everything

Why would you still want to be with me?
She's got everything

for so long i wondered:

what would it be like to have the confidence of knowing the people around me really want to be with me rather than all these other cool fucking people?

listening to soccer mommy helped me figure out that i was one of the cool people.

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this is another song in which sophia expresses the feeling of

wanting to be wanted, wanting to be loved, wanting an extreme level of intimacy that ultimately eludes you:

I want to be the one you miss when you're alone
I want to be the one you're kissing when you're stoned
Back in the alleyway behind your father's home
I'm clawing at your skin, trying to see your bones

I want to be the one who keeps you up at night
Cling to a memory of how I brushed your sides
'Cause I'm just a puzzle piece trying to fit just right
So hard to be someone who's stuck inside your mind

Falling into myself
You're still in, you're still in my
Skin, skin
I just wish you also felt like this

so often i too have experienced this feeling: wanting to keep the person up at night, wanting them to cling to a memory of our brushing sides, wanting to be missed.

wanting to know the person but not truly knowing them: “i’m clawing at your skin, trying to see your bones.”

and in the end, what is the truth? “I just wish you also felt like this”

even so, the desperation to be wildly loved continues:

I want to be the one who makes your stomach tied
I want to make you mine and drag you like a kite
'Cause there's just something that keeps you on my mind
When I see your human skin, diverts me off your thighs

Falling into myself
You're still in, you're still in my
Skin, skin
I just wish you also felt like
This whenever you kiss
Balled up fist, grabbin' at your
Skin, skin
I just wish you also felt like this

you know what i have learned in the last few years of obsessively consuming girlie music? i have learned the cure to this feeling of never being loved like you want.

the cure is to embrace your own authenticity:

when we are authentic, we know for sure the people who say they love us truly love us: because we know we are not hiding anything.

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readings on authenticity

release the Goddess within: 10 strategies
my advice for your twenties: resist or you will be turned into a piece of material
when we stop performing: 5 enriching outcomes
identity drones: doomed forever to perform
i was a supernova and he was a black hole: end of a friendship

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i don’t necessarily relate to the lyrics of this song in their entirety, but the imagery sophia evokes is wonderful: sophia is so skilled at creating a sense of environment, and this song demonstrates that.

what i love most of all:

the connection in the end with the stars,

the sense of her own rising sign which was also so important for me,

and yet: the sense that this makes her a “victim” of destiny in some sense.

she cannot let go of her love for this person; she wants to be loved, we know this.

i love to just sit with this song.

yes, it’s a song about attachment to someone who does not reciprocate the same:

but i too was locked into a victim complex,

until astrology and my pisces rising sign — which so many teach us to see as foolishness — helped me take control of this body, after an initial resignation to “fate.”

Kiss you in the park
We'll meet up after dark
In your car with the backseat, southern summer
Ignored all the missed calls from your mother
And kiss me in the park
We'll meet up after dark
And we'll talk until morning hits the windshield
And paints yellow lines on the field

Now you want to start
With someone not so far
Oh she's bubbly and sweet like a Coca-Cola
I watch from my drink as you look her over
The town don't pop too hard
You're sick of playing cards
With your love, you want warmth and I'm somethin' colder
I'm putting your hands to her heart

I don't think of my life
Anywhere but in your arms tonight
Won't say it this time
Can't even look back in your eyes

Kissed you in the park
We'll meet up after dark
It's a bite of the apple, the touch of your lips
I'm stuck in the bathroom and sick over it
'Cause you're made from the stars
That we watched from your car
And I'm just a victim of changing planets
My Scorpio rising and my parents

i’m pisces rising,

and my parents don’t control me anymore do they?

I don't think of my life
Anywhere but in your arms tonight
Won't say it this time
Can't even look back in your eyes

and i’m done pursuing that kind of love.

i only want to say it to someone if i can look her in the eyes when i say it.

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i believe the sound of music is a guide to reality,

and i feel that way when i listen to this interlude.

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this song makes me think of all the sadness that consumed me in brooklyn,

where for 8 years i was lonely, depressed, and overflowing with suicidal ideation.

every time i returned to brooklyn from a trip seeing friends who really loved me,

i felt so sad and hopeless.

i felt like:

Wildflowers don't grow in the city
My heart turns grey and shriveled now
I want to be who I wasn't
I want to dance and not feel the gloom

i wanted to be someone else,

someone i wasn’t,

and i believed the people who told me who i was.

A child running for nothin'
I watched you go, my feet were glued
I found God on Sunday
More than layin' next to you

i was trapped in friendships that took me further from the Goddess inside me:

i had found more divinity at fundamentalist churches than i ever did with these friends & relations, no matter how physically close we were,

and i see now how they always sought to restrain me:

My arms stretched out like Jesus
Watch you tie me down to the bed
My heaven burns on Monday
Not broken-hearted but aching head

i was being tied down by these people,

i was contained by the ropes they knotted around me.

and every monday, until 2021 when i started listening to soccer mommy, i returned to work at a place i hated.

all the while in brooklyn i knew and felt:

Wildflowers don't grow in the city
I dreamt the sidewalk broke in two
The earth was calling to me
A line stretched down Fifth Avenue
It came in through my window
Carry me home, like you used to

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thank you sophia allison,

your music is a fucking gift to the world.

you helped me process my unfulfilling relationships,

you helped me overcome my haters,

and you turned me cool.

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