eloise rising: something happened in the sky last night
the unreality of everything around me / soon i will see music with V / looking at the sky in the evening before seeing V / nervous before seeing V / standing with V beneath the sky
the unreality of everything around me
throughout my life i have felt these jolts of unreality.
i describe one of them in a post:
talking with C about travel, i remember this feeling i had when i was eight years old and sitting in an enormous basketball stadium:
all at once, from nowhere, the whole world felt unreal. it was as if a transparent sheet had dropped before my eyes and when i looked around at all these people cheering, at all these players running around, at all these beers cracking open, i saw:
there is nothing here. there is nothing here at all.
my dad was cheering; all these people were screaming. and i was in awe as i looked up and down, left and right across the stadium.
i saw it: the unreality of everything around me.
i was terrified.
it was a memory that would stay with me like a ghost, always haunting me, always coming back at random moments to remind me:
there is something about this world that is not real.
from:
soon i will see music with V
soon i will see music with V!
V was the first person with whom i ever developed a genuine connection over music,
the path to my salvation.
every time V talks to me about music she talks about how the lyrics make her feel.
she notices every little detail and she helps me:
internalize those words like sacred scripture.
but:
i am somewhat nervous to see V!
first of all, i haven’t seen her since before i came out in july!
secondly, the truth:
even though i feel this enhanced ability to be myself around V, i’ve never fully been myself around V.
looking at the sky in the evening before seeing V
when i am walking in the evening in the days leading up to my encounter with V, i am sensing something happening in the sky.
when E looks up at the sky, there is such a sparkle in her eyes. she looks up at the sky and she is seeing something behind the sky that i do not see. often in my life i have gazed up at the sky, at night and in the daytime, and i have known that the sky holds some sort of truth which i do not possess.
the sky devastates me, inspires me, crushes me.
i want to look at the sky, the eternal reality, and i want:
to have those sparkles in my eyes.
from:
once i am standing with V listening to music and looking at the sky, i tell her, “i think pink is the color of the fabric reality; i think that’s why men don’t want to look at it”
i am nervous: there are people who say they love me and when i say things like this, they tell me i am unwell
but V is interested and there is a sparkle in her eyes
i am wearing my clairo shirt for the first time when i go see music with V!!!!
a cute girl checks my ticket. she says, “i like your hair!” i say, “thank you!! i like yours too!!”
”thank you!!” she says, and then she looks excitedly at the little witch on my shirt and says, “oh my god! did you see clairo!”
and i tell her, “no! but i am seeing her in october! in chicago!!”
the girl does not know about this show! she is so excited! she tells me she will be there and i feel:
so happy that she will be there listening to clairo too!
i don’t know her name or number but i will think of her there and how happy we both are when we are dancing to “juna”
nervous before seeing V
although we have often texted,
i have not seen V in person since before i came out in july,
and now i am standing with her beneath the sky while music is playing and lights shine out into our eyes from the stage.
in the presence of V i have always felt this enhanced ability to be myself.
i always feel so happy when i am with V because:
when i am with V,
i know i can say anything and:
as long as i’m being authentic,
she will look at me with a sparkle.
standing with V beneath the sky
there is no barrier for me when i am near V:
and what i mean is that there is no barrier for my internal life,
and there is no barrier for the way in which i choose to express it,
because when i am with V i feel no sense of shame about myself at all.
once i am near V after coming out,
it’s like i’ve taken a performance-enhancing drug.
as i dance with abandon next to V,
and as she smiles at me while complimenting my bracelets and asking me questions about my feelings and dancing with abandon herself,
i feel this surge of power inside of me and i cannot stop looking at the sky.
there is something happening in the sky.
i am the sky,
and there is nothing i cannot be,
and there is nothing about me,
the real me,
that will ever make V feel ashamed.
the next day, i update my name and pronouns:
andrew eloise
(they/she)
thank you V.
we didn’t even discuss this.
i’m glad you have someone who you can being completely and utterly yourself with! i’m proud of u!! 🩷