my wife: the last being who scared me
look up: i told you something happened in the sky last night
scroll down for text
unhoused: 10/6-11/19
I want to have sex with Claire (only if she wants)
tw: emotional abuse; domestic abuse; gaslighting
I told you something happened in the sky last night. Maybe you thought I was being figurative?
Maybe you didn’t remember the “public” option when you asked me to defriend your whole extended family did you? Or when you removed me from your family chat for asking you for a curling iron?
Remember how you cried and looked at the man in our wedding picture?
“That’s the man I married!”
Well I ripped all those pictures up now.
You told me I was unwell for doing so.
Do you still think that?
Are you going to keep telling me so?
Remember when I tried to tell you why I liked Idles?
No? Never heard of them?
What about when I told you I was bisexual and you IMMEDIATELY told me I was not?
That was in 2017.
What about when I told you I was non-binary and you said I was “mentally ill” and “spending too much time on the internet”?
You added, “Andrew this is just the teenage rebellion you never got.”
Feels more true now,
Doesn’t it?
You were the first person I told.
And then you said you’d never have married me, never have bought a house with me.
You told me you thought you were bringing our son into “a very different world.”
Which world darling?
The one before I came out?
When I told you I was so depressed I was planning on killing myself one day?
Is that how you preferred me?
Did I suit you better like that?
Did I obey you more when I was like that?
Was it easier to make me believe the things you told me about myself when I looked you in the eyes and told you I wanted to die?
Remember in Brooklyn when I was lonely and wanted to die? Remember when I told you that all I wanted was to go on a trip with you for your spring break?
You told me you needed to work on your book.
How many people have read it?
Does it still mean a lot to you?
Have you told your therapist about it?
Remember when all I did was shave my beard, put on a purple shirt, throw on some bracelets, and that was enough:
“If you’d looked like this when I met you I’d never have dated you.”
Then you told me I needed to be more patient with you.
You told me someone could take our son away if I didn’t stop posting selfies on Facebook.
You said you felt so betrayed.
But didn’t you always hate how I acted on the internet?
You said so yourself.
So just tell me,
Why’d you do it darling?
Why’d you say yes?
I was paralyzed on the couch in late July, before my blog, whispering: “I love you, I think you’re beautiful, I want this life with you.”
And you didn’t look at me.
You screamed at me:
“You’re destroying our family so you can wear fucking bracelets.”
I’ll never forget it. You went into the bedroom, slammed the door. My phone buzzed. Notification: removed from the family chat.
That’s when I knew I needed to start my blog.
But not once that day did the thought occur to me, “she is unwell and I should take our son somewhere safe.”
I wanted to call my friend. But I was paralyzed for an hour.
You apologized after. You said, “I’m sorry but Andrew, you have a history of saying crazy things”
You said you’d hoped this part of me was gone
Remember how I flinched when you stepped toward me that night?
You said that my flinching made me seem unwell.
You said, “Andrew you need help! You’re flinching when I walk to you!”
Then I backed up against the wall as you approached me. I started kissing the scrunchies on my wrist as you continued to scream at me.
Kissing my scrunchies makes me feel better than kissing your lips.
So many times after that, you told me:
“Andrew your behavior is really concerning… you were kissing your scrunchies.”
Still think that?
Tell me so darling.
Remember when you said your worst nightmare was your family finding out about what goes on between us?
Remember when you told me that I was your closest friend and I was everything to you? “Andrew, you’re my whole life,” you once said.
Remember when I was getting really into witchcraft, told you I wanted to join a coven, and you said, “Andrew, I don’t want those people in our home.”
But why?
And what about me?
Is that why you don’t want me anymore?
I’m a witch?
Remember when you told me after almost a decade of working in some of the nation’s most progressive environments that you didn’t know what a queer person was?
Remember when you looked at me with deep concern in your eyes and said “Andrew, are you a girl?” and then, for the next two months, you didn’t ask me a single question about my feelings?
Is that why you always used to look at me and say, “see Andrew this is how I know you’re a boy”
Do you think maybe there was something about me you didn’t want to see?
Do you think maybe there was fire inside me you wanted to extinguish?
You told me, “Andrew, I have spent enough time contorting myself to you, now it’s your turn to take my feelings into consideration.”
Every day after that I had to sit and listen to you tell me about your day at work before you went to the basement to watch tv.
I always knew I was never a part of your family and that you were the reason why I hated Brooklyn. You made me hate myself: you constantly belittled and mercilessly invalidated me: you are why I struggled to be myself with friends and at work and around your family: you are so much of what has been wrong with my life, and that’s why we didn’t exchange our own vows.
Do you think I could’ve written one?
What about you?
I was fucking desperate for you to love me.
Remember how anxious and irritable I always was whenever I got back to your apartment from a trip?
Do you think maybe my body knew something my mind didn’t?
Do you think maybe my anxiety had something to do with being in your presence?
My depression was the condition of our relationship: it’s gone now, and so is our romance.
I’ll never forget the Ring beep when you left that night with our son.
Remember what you texted me? “We will get you some help tomorrow. You might hate me forever but consider it.”
Do you want to know how scared I felt then?
If you were this embarrassed by me, why the fuck did you look me in the eyes like that on our wedding day? That look in your eyes was one of the happiest moments of my whole entire life. When I have been deeply depressed, I have thought about your eyes that day: they have lifted me up.
You told me to go see our doctor
I did
I told her all about you
Are you going to go and see her again?
You told me,
Take down your blog for two weeks: maybe I won’t divorce you
Here is what you said about your brother, such pride in your eyes: “he didn’t even know you came out — he muted you years ago”
Fuck your brother
And fuck your grandma: you told me how freaked she was by me LOL
Remember how I laughed at you when you told me about how your grandma was calling your dad off the hook?
You were so upset. You were so much more animated by your grandma and your dad being confused than you were by me being happy.
Now she, he, and every last one of your family members knows what a freak I am and there’s nothing you can do lmfao
You chose WRONG girl
Try again
Do you understand why I ripped up that copy of War and Peace now?
Are you still going to call me unwell for doing so?
I still have a picture of the spell I cast that night.
Are you still going to tell me you can’t keep your child in a “house where things like this happen”?
Congrats on your award: I’m ONLY laughing now
Were the kids in your classroom safer than I was in your apartment and in our house that you get to keep?
Are they as grateful for you as you wanted me to be?
Do they love you as much as I wanted you to love me?
Anyone else who is ashamed of me: fuck you
Mr Rochester’s wife is loose and she isn’t going back
I told you something happened in the sky last night.
Did you think I was being figurative?
This is so heartbreaking🥺 andrew you can do this, be yourself and feel the purest joy ever💜
🩷🩷🩷 sending love