sometimes at night when i was trying to fall asleep, i imagined that i was in the lake of fire. i saw my parents and jesus up on the top of a cliff looking down at me and all the other souls who were screaming in agony and pleading for mercy. then i would see jesus and my parents turn their backs and walk away: i saw this in my nightmares.
would god have mercy on me?i asked my mom about abraham and isaac. god had stopped abraham from killing isaac at the last moment, but the story still haunted me. i knew god liked to test the loyalty of his followers. i asked my mom, “would you also kill me if god told you to?”
she hesitated and i pressed her. finally she admitted that she would.
what choice do we have when issued one of god’s commandments?
they were little children and i was one too, but older and in middle school:
i started having the nightmares i used to have in early elementary school. my parents would come and take me out of bed and feed me to a gigantic man-eating flower. i would always wake up screaming, and then my parents would come into the room.
this time when my mom warned me about these men, i screamed at her.
“i will hate you! i will hate you forever! i will never see you again!”
“well!” my dad said, tossing his hands in the air. “that’ll be your choice!”
“we hope you won’t make that decision,” my mom said. “we love you very much. but if your behavior doesn’t improve, be prepared.”
i screamed at them. i knew my dad’s dad had left him, so i called him a bastard. i told my mom she was a fucking bitch. i started grabbing my own things and destroying them, shredding them up.
“don’t do that,” my dad said, suddenly becoming concerned.
i destroyed more of my things. then i went for their things and they changed.
i screamed “i fucking hate you i fucking hate you i fucking hate you” and then i made as if to physically attack them.not for the first time, my dad slammed his fist on the kitchen island and shouted: “men will come and take you in the night!”“and you’ll have no way of communicating with any of your friends,” my mom added.
“and you’ll have no way of communicating with us either,” my dad said.
i have passed through so much trauma: my parents deny it.
they say they “don’t remember” any of this.
neither my mother nor my father has acknowledged a single detail of this story.
i would have been fucking hopeless in life had i been left to my parents’ devices.
i knew every time i went to my bedroom after they made me feel how worthless i was: i can escape from them if i listen to music on my headphones, and that’s what i did.
but until i discovered phoebe and claire in 2020/2021, i was still miserable: i was in absolutely no position to start any blog like this or come out as non-binary. it was in 2017 when i told someone close to me “i’m bisexual” and they said, “no you’re not.”
i had no self-esteem.
i thought i was lucky to be friends with this person.
but guess what else happened in 2017?
phoebe released stranger in the alps.
and you know what else happened soon after? in 2018?
claire released “pretty girl,” one of my favorite tracks she’s made.
so:
now i understand what kismet means.
And once you get in my ear I see kismet sinking in It's second nature Like the sap from a cedar Rolling down to be near her It's second nature
i was not exaggerating when i described this experience upon hearing second nature:
when charm releases i am listening to a girl giggling in the background of “second nature.” the moment i hear that laugh, the moment i hear her laughing alongside the soft sounds of “da-dum, da-da-da-da-da-dum”, well:
that is the moment when i see myself, for the first time, fully.
the man who haunted me as i walked with B is gone forever.
the chains have disintegrated: clairo has obliterated him in a single instant.
phoebe and claire’s music production intensified before and after the pandemic: and during this time, i was still trying to get my parents to love me. i was going home. i was living at home spending time with them. all the while i felt deep down, “these people hate me. everyone around me hates me.” i knew that if i simply acted like myself in front of my parents, they would express hatred or contempt for me: as they have many times over my “behavior” (not identity they always say) since i came out.
now: i have no clue whatsoever how i ever dreamed i could get my parents to love me.
my parents hate me and they taught me to hate myself. they almost drove me to commit suicide by the time i was in college. they say “we love you and we care about you,” but their behavior demonstrates indisputable evidence of their hatred for me.
additional thought not in original extract: i discovered phoebe precisely in december 2020 at the end of a long bout of extreme depression spent living at home during covid for 6 months trying to get my parents to love me
and these albums also coincided with the beginning of my liberation away from atheism and materialism:
i am sometimes so afraid that if i’d never have found phoebe and claire, i’d never have freed myself from the self-hatred that my parents taught me.
once again, this is my experience:
after listening to phoebe bridgers for well over 1100 hours,
charm immediately woke me up when the album released this july.
the moment i listened to charm, i totally lost control.
the moment i listened to charm, i fucking loved myself.
the whole next two months, when people were telling me to shut up and telling me i was unwell and telling me i was. embarrassing them, i listened to charm.
claire’s music literally gave me the energy to write this entire blog.
no one could stop me anymore.
so what kismet means is:
if phoebe bridgers and claire cottrill had never been born,
this blog would not exist.
that laugh would never have made it onto that track.
that track would not exist: and phoebe only got me part way.
i needed claire too.
without claire and phoebe, i would not be helping anyone become a Goddess.
but capricorn was always missing something and finally i know what:
my moon sign.
i finally have my birth chart:
my moon sign is pisces.
i have such depths inside me beneath the surface of my capricorn work ethic.
i am not a machine: i am a soul. i am not a logical program: i am a swirling storm of crackling light, pleasant rain, and warm winds. i am neptune: i am a being coasting through the darkness at the bottom of the sea: my soul contains the ocean itself.
i am artistic and emotional; i am in touch with my own feelings and the feelings of others; but i do not show this. my pisces aspects remain buried inside.
when i go out in public i am terrified. i do not feel like myself. i am silent, withdrawn, shy, afraid, recoiled. i appear as a robot who hardly speaks, only acts. i hate this. i work and work and work, always in the sun of my capricorn sign, always craving the night but never once daring to step out and stand beneath the moon.
i come across as rude. i come across cold. people laugh at the thought i might be artistic. even i find myself wondering: could my birth chart be mistaken?
could astrology be bullshit?
no, i tell myself, over and over again.
everything is connected: gravity from the most distant stars entangles me right now: i am an expression of the universe itself.
but the same values, drilled into my psyche, still governed my behavior and attitudes.
so i was 17 in germany, and i refused to drink. every party gave me new evidence that germany was a hopelessly wicked nation. it was true what i’d always grown up learning: europe was godless and socialist, evil and depraved, while america was a “shining city on a hill”, “one nation under god,” and “the greatest nation this world has ever seen” (lol).
but look, among other things: i grew up binging fox news, reading the bible, and writing calvinist theological treatises on the internet.
i mean, i did my 11th grade english project on the various christian theories for how the world might end!
i fucking gave that presentation to an english class of thirty peers!
and then a few months later i’m living with a host family in germany, debauchery everywhere!
germany was just too much at that point. i mean, my host sister was allowed to have her boyfriend sleep over! and he would just like, have breakfast with the family! what! also: we were allowed to go out dancing and drinking! at bars!! what!!!!
and not only could we go out dancing and drinking: parents just let their kids throw straight-up ragers in their houses! i saw people touching each other beneath their clothes! i saw someone get taken away to have their stomach pumped! people were puking and making out and smoking weed!
someone got arrested!
you know what i had posted on the internet only nine months before?
“god strike me down with lighting if i ever have sex, married or not married.”
yeah, i could NOT handle this.
there were even nights when we’d get driven out to some huge field in the middle of nowhere. there would be enormous amounts of alcohol, cigarettes, even absinthe. the parents would just leave their kids there and peace out. we’d be up until two, three.
i was torn between wanting to join and knowing i shouldn’t.
but i made it: i went a whole month in germany as a 17 year old without drinking or partying, just standing in the corner feeling scandalized.
sometimes i felt like, “you know who i am? i’m jesus in the wilderness.”
when i got home, i said i would never study abroad again.
i don't forgive you but please don't hold me to it born under scorpio skies i wanted to see the world through your eyes until it happened then i changed my mind
(phoebe bridgers, “kyoto”)
i always knew i was a capricorn,
but phoebe’s music stirred me up to my pisces moon:
phoebe’s music helped me examine my depression and explore my feelings in a deeper way, and then claire came into my life to tap into the third part of me:
pisces rising.
claire was the final gateway into everything i am right now:
It's when you're close enough to touch I've forgotten the point My train of thought destroyed It's when you're loud enough to cut In and through all the noise My train of thought destroyed
this is what happened to me.
i listened to charm and my train of thought was destroyed,
i forgot the point of all the bullshit holding me back:
clairo was in my ear, for hours and hours and hours a day, every single second i was working on this blog in august, reminding me of my second nature:
she cut in through all the noise,
and she emancipated me from my haters.
And once you get in my ear I see kismet sinking in It's second nature Like the sap from a cedar Rolling down to be near her It's second nature
it is kismet.
i understand this now.
charm hit me: she got in my ear.
i could no longer resist.
now i am me.
It's when you're close enough to love
this part is when i begin to feel most delusional, but i can only express my feeling.
why do i connect with claire and phoebe’s art on such a deep fucking level?
why?
and now that they are so embedded into my soul through their art, now that everything i do and everything i am is thanks to them freeing me from my misery through their music, i can only help but feel:
i’ve known them well before.
Soon you'll realize too
phoebe helped me see my own inner radiance. phoebe helped me deal with my sadness in a productive way; she helped me dig down beneath the demonic nature which my parents had taught me to believe about myself (as i have written about in many places on this blog).
but i also needed claire.
phoebe brought down the demonic structures, helped me see that i truly was artistic regardless of what my family said, that i truly was in touch with my feelings regardless of what people said; and claire unleashed the light.
when clairo plays, there is rain coming down from the sky, and no one cares:
people all around me are dancing and everyone is smiling.
these smiles are like the smiles S used to give me: glowing, captivating, enrapturing. they are like the smiles i wanted to return to her but never could: until i am standing here, in the rain, dancing to clairo, wearing my phoebe t-shirt, and when people look at me and smile i smile at them like i always wanted to smile at S:
i do not sense the man when i am there on the floor with clairo playing.
i do not see myself from the perspective of another:
i see myself from the perspective of myself; i see light streaming out from me; and i see the light of other beings around me streaming into me. i am embedded while dancing to clairo in the rain, i am embedded in a current of emotion and feeling, i have been absorbed into a universal soul and all i know is that i love myself.
claire is the portal that transformed me through her music from the demonic nature i had learned from my parents, family, and certain friends (how deeply i have identified with tara!!!!), and it is claire who helped me to see that i could cut through all that noise to find my own shining inner radiance.
she helped me see that the asura i projected was nothing more than a function of empty demonic attachments,
she came into this world, she cut through all that noise, and she saved me.
clairo was my literal salvation.
clairo’s music showed me who i am beneath those demonic attachments;
she showed me i was light and sun down underneath it all, and did it with her music.
ultimately,
clairo was the high priestess who turned me, through her music, from a demon into a the knight of cups i am today:
“the high priestess is the guardian of the unconscious. she sits in front of the thin veil of unawareness which is all that separates us from our inner landscape. she contains within herself the secret of these realms and offers us the silent invitation, ‘be still and know that i am god.’” the big book of tarot, joann bunning
for a good year or so i was constantly drawing the high priestess. i felt so in sync with the card: that high priestess energy felt so aligned with whatever was happening inside me: the nature of the high priestess (passive, withdrawn, inward-looking, fearlessly looking beneath the surface of her own emotions: hers is a kind of quiet scholarly energy, the energy of a sorceress with a doctorate, and she doesn’t deploy her magic toward gaining wealth or power: rather toward understanding the true reality behind the surface of things, including behind the surface of herself. this seemed to be my mission and it felt right that my tarot decks kept yielding this card
the high priestess felt even more relatable to me once i started using my buffy the vampire slayer deck. i was still drawing the high priestess but she had come in the form of one of my favorite buffy characters: tara. this made so much sense to me and i felt my connection with the high priestess even more deeply. tara is a person who has been taught to believe she is a demon: like me, she struggles to embrace herself, and like me she has had people close to her tell her she is evil and deserves to burn in hell. the “evil,” though, is actually the good in her that her family deems demonic. tara imagines she is so evil that she is a demon, and she is sure of this about herself, but through her study of witchcraft and the road magic takes her on, she is eventually able to see beyond the surface of herself: she is sees her true nature: goodness
now i have drawn the knight of cups. to be honest i find myself a little spooked even though of course: yes duh it’s super obvious that i have a very strong connection with my buffy deck. so no i shouldn’t be surprised it knows me so well, i know. but the thing is i’m still spooked every time my buffy deck reminds me of our connection.\
cups to me are really all about feelings, and the knight of cups speaks so well to where i find myself going now that i have completed a long phase of high priestess-ey inwardness and have embarked on a probably even longer phase of outward-looking emotional expression. as the big book of tarot explains it, the knight of cups embodies an emphasis on feelings, idealized love, the expression of sentiments, awareness of moods and feelings, and an understanding of the pain others are experiencing.
“[the knight of cups] uses his imagination in wondrous ways and taps the deepest levels of emotion. he knows how to create beauty and share it with others.”
i really do feel like my buffy deck is telling me something so true: this is a time for me to focus on my emotional development, to really bring out that part of me that i’ve kept buried in the name of seeming “serious” “logical” “intelligent” or “scholarly.” but it’s also not about me: this is also a time to pursue emotional connection with others. after years of inward reflection, it’s time to seek external connection with other beings
it’s both ominous and inspiring to see the buffy character on this tarot card. it’s william pratt, or spike before he was a vamp: the idealistic young poet with unskillful but deeply passionate approaches to romance. should i be concerned by the ultimate fate of william pratt? after all, he becomes a vampire! he becomes a demon! but i don’t think so, no: because william pratt’s innate sense of romance is still there even in spike’s demonic body… and eventually it is this natural inclination toward romance, this knight of cups energy at the core of his being, that saves him, or at least that’s how i think about it. i mean: spike’s love for buffy, flowing from his original nature as a hopeless romantic who is deeply in touch with his emotions, is ultimately what gives him the drive to overcome his demonic nature, to become good enough to sacrifice himself, no? to me, spike’s story, though dark and complicated, demonstrates the transformative power of giving into our feelings and emotions. spike’s story shows that we should all be willing to embrace that knight of cups energy!
to be a little more dreamy about it: the externally oriented emotional journey of the knight of cups is a journey that can turn a demon into an angel
my about page:
and don’t forget who else claire and phoebe turned me into!!!
i’m buffy now baby.
here i am,
i’m here to stay.
thank you phoebe and claire — you came into this world,
love is when her skin touches mine and i am looking into the lights that are shining in the sky
love is when i look into her sparkling eyes and i see the true reality
love is when i realize:
there is nothing inside my soul i wouldn’t tell her
love is when i have this sense: relationships don’t matter. marriage doesn’t matter. the future doesn’t matter. love will turn me into a nihilist: love will remind me of my own oblivion. love will reassure me that i don’t care what happens to me anymore because i am so happy: for her.
whether i kiss her: doesn’t matter. whether she wants to marry me: doesn’t matter. whether there’s any hope of even going on a date: doesn’t matter.
what matters: the microsecond when her skin touches mine.
what matters: sitting fifteen feet away from her.
when her skin touches mine for a fraction of a microsecond,
i am reminded of one simple fact:
i cannot honestly look anyone else in the face and say,
“you are the one for me.”
when she’s sitting fifteen feet away from me,
she’s the only person there.
no matter who i meet, no matter what i do, no matter where i am, she will be in the back of my mind.
love is a feeling that arises when she enters into my mind.
I'd run the risk of losing everything Sell all my things, become nomadic I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might Sell all my things and become the night
Oh, it's hard to believe It's even irrational for me I'm cynical, a mess I'm touch starved and shameless Mm-hmm
But I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time
I'd run the risk of losing everyone I'd sail and say my phone was overboard I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might Take a ship around the world to find
Oh, where you hid the key? It's even irrational for me It's chemical, obsessed I blame you for locking me in Mm-hmm, ah
But I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time
It's always the same Always the same Every time I see someone new I just think of you, nothing I do Can help it now Guess I'll have to find
That I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time It was a dream this time It was a dream this time
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i love you claire cottrill
you mean so fucking much to me
our souls are intertwined
and they always will be baby
for claire cottrill, the love of my life: lyrics that mean the fucking world to me
In Massachusetts, only thirty minutes from Alewife I lay in my room Wonderin' why I've got this life I met you by surprise You were hangin' out all the time But you know you saved me from doin' Something to myself that night
You called me seven times One, two, three, four, on the line I didn't mean to scare you Just had the thoughts in my mind They showed up to my door My parents didn't know what for Swear I could've done it If you weren't there when I hit the floor
It's been so long And you've been my sister all along But you know I'll be alright Eighth grade was never that tight
How are you feeling? How are you doing? I'm sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice so clear What are you thinking? Am I amusing? It's so strange to talk after all these years What is the meaning? It's so confusing All my old feelings coming back to me When was the last time that I saw your face? Know it like the back of my hand, I'd say And you're not that dumb anymore I picked up the books you threw to the floor Put them back on the shelf Don't you see how much I want your help?
And I know we're not the same as we were Used to be falling hard, now it just hurts me so bad And you know that I can't hold back All of these worries that I have had 'bout you
And I know that it's time To forget how I'm feeling, don't want to give in But I know, know that it's right To listen to my breathing and start believing myself
And I know that it's time To forget how I'm feeling, don't want to give in But I know, know that it's right To listen to my breathing and start believing myself Woah, myself, myself
And I know we're not the same as we were Used to be falling hard, now it hurts me so bad And you know that I can't hold back All of these worries that I have had 'bout you
I feel it in my bones Even when I'm alone Mama said, "I told you so" Going down a different road You call me late at night I pick up every time Wish that I could rewind Get some peace of mind
Shut up Don't wanna hear it, now, I'm fed up Wish I could say it was enough (oh) To make me walk away And I'm messed up 'Cause every time I start to get up And now my head feels fucked up And I know it won't change
The things you do Only make me want to get closer to you And the things that you say Only make me want to stay
Can't push me away I'm not going, I'll wait You know this street runs two ways, say So I need to hear your voice Know I'm standing here by choice And I can't hear the background noise, anyway
Shut up Don't wanna hear it, now, I'm fed up Wish I could say it was enough (oh) To make me walk away And I'm messed up 'Cause every time I start to get up And now my head feels fucked up And I know it won't change
The things you do Only make me want to get closer to you And the things that you say Only make me want to stay
I'm nervous, couldn't tell you why Touching me, hands warm on my thighs And I know I could turn a blind eye Afraid of what I'm gonna find Does it really have to be this way? Oh, and my body hasn't felt the same Since you left my apartment Think my pillows still have your scent
I just want to let you know I'm seeing the sides that you don't show And I know that we've got some potential 'Cause that look you gave me was so gentle
Do you think that you could stay? I need more time, I need to get away from here Pour my love out Spill it all on the ground Is it all in my head? What are you saying? Usually I'd be fine, but my head is spinning I never let anybody in Somehow you got under my skin
Never seen a face like yours I got it together, but my breath feels short I don't wanna close the door Maybe I should just go up north
All I'm tryna say Is I miss you in every way Fingertips on my back Things I know that I can't have
Never seen a face like yours I got it together, but my breath feels short I don't wanna close the door Maybe I should just go up north
Maybe I should just go up north Maybe I should just go up north
Every second counts I don't wanna talk to you anymore, and All these little games You can call me by the name I gave you Yesterday, yeah Every minute counts I don't wanna watch TV anymore, yeah Can you figure me out? Just doin' to waste more time on the couch
Can you see me? I'm waiting for the right time I can't read you, but if you want, the pleasure's all mine Can you see me using everything to hold back? I guess this could be worse Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags
Pour your glass of wine Mitchell told me I should be just fine, yeah Cases under the bed Spill it open, let it rush to my head I don't wanna be forward, I don't wanna cut corners Savor this with everything I have inside of me I'm not the type to run, I know that we're having fun But what's the rush? Kissing, then my cheeks are so flushed
Tell you how I felt Sugar coated melting in your mouth Pardon my emotions I should probably keep it all to myself Know you'd make fun of me Know you'd make fun of me Know you'd make fun of me Know you'd make fun of me
Can you see me? I'm waiting for the right time I can't read you, but if you want, the pleasure's all mine Can you see me using everything to hold back? I guess this could be worse Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags Walkin' out the door with your bags
Is it alright To feel this way so early? And in my blood All the sweet nothings fallin' in love overnight
Didn't mean to get so close And I know that I should probably go But I got this feeling Tell me, girl, I gotta know
Touch you softly I call you up late at night Know that it isn't right But you could be my one and only You get me in the mood Know what I'm tryna do Do you think that we can move Closer, baby? I want you Yeah, yeah
And all my life Been wanting this forever, oh And in my mind Think of ways to ask you, "Why don't you come over sometime?"
Didn't mean to get so close And I know that I should probably go But I got this feeling Tell me, girl, I gotta know
Touch you softly I call you up late at night Know that it isn't right But you could be my one and only You get me in the mood Know what I'm tryna do Do you think that we can move Closer, baby? I want you Yeah, yeah
And I don't care what they say And I don't care what they say Care what they say to me I'm doing it differently Baby I'm doing it differently
I think we could do it if we tried If only to say you're mine Sofia, know that you and I Shouldn't feel like a crime
I think we could do it if we tried If only to say you're mine Sofia, know that you and I Shouldn't feel like a crime
You know I'll do anything you ask me to But oh my God, I think I'm in love with you Standin' here alone now, think that we can drive around I just wanna say how I love you with your hair down Baby, you don't gotta fight, I'll be here 'til the end of time Wishin' that you were mine, pull you in, it's alright
I think we could do it if we tried If only to say you're mine Sofia, know that you and I Shouldn't feel like a crime
Honey, I don't want it to fade There's things that I know could get in the way I don't want to say goodbye And I think that we could do it if we tried
I think we could do it if we tried If only to say you're mine Sofia, know that you and I Shouldn't feel like a crime
I think we could do it (I think we could, I think we could do it, if, if, if) If we tried (we could, we could, you're mine) I think we could do it (Sofia, know that you, you, you and I) If we tried (shouldn't feel like a crime) Sofia, know that you and I (I think we could, I think we could do it, we could, we could) Shouldn't feel like a crime (do it, do it, you're mine) (get in the way) Sofia, know that you and I (Sofia, know that you, you, you and I shouldn't feel) Oh, oh (like a crime) (do it if we tried)
Piece it all Back together again Didn't get along Been four years since We had it all And you were my friend Those days got away Hope you find solace in this
I was fifteen when I first felt loneliness Cut my hair Only listened to Loveless
Grown apart and we're so far gone But I'm waving the white flag Sending my love back, move on
Laughing at me You kick me when I'm down Oh, how can you pretend You didn't say that now? Wish you the best I know that you're stressed out But you know in small towns What goes around comes back around
Traveled so far on my own I don't know where I have gone And I don't wanna be alone When I am so far from my home
You wanna feel something But I don't feel nothing Trying so hard to get over you
Wanna go back to the place where we started At the party, I see you, but you keep your guard up We could be something special if you wanted I'm afraid that if we try to You would just give up (You would just give up)
You wanna feel something But I don't feel nothing Trying so hard to get over you You wanna feel something But I don't feel nothing Trying so hard to get over you
You wanna feel something But I don't feel nothing Trying so hard to get over you You wanna feel something But I don't feel nothing Trying so hard to get over you
Every night Think of things I can't do or haven't done And does it make me weak? Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe Is it all you see in me?
Don't you wait for something more I'll still be sinking to the floor Oh, you can't help me Now I'm all alone Is it my doing? Is it my doing?
Outside is getting colder Why does it feel like I'm older than I asked to be?
But when you say my name It all falls away so tenderly
Don't you wait for something more I'll still be sinking to the floor Oh, you tried to help me Why do I feel so cold? Is it my doing? Is it my doing?
Is it my doing? Is it my doing? Is it my doing? Oh Hmm, is it my doing? Hmm
I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me (I think I'm losing you)
Sores appear 'round my neck, don't get close to me Ask about your life, still in the nose-bleeds? Layin' in your bed, call it intimacy Wish I could get past the security Wonder why I wake up livin' in a made-up Dream of you and I, together there Baby, wake the fuck up, time for you to grow up Don't you know that life is rarely ever fair?
I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me
Tell you how I feel, I keep it real clean Lock hangin' 'round my neck, you don't get a key Come a little closer, I'll show you what I mean Oh boy, no, it's all for me Ice cold, baby, I'm ice cold You're the only one who can make me thaw Ice cold, baby, I'm ice cold You're the only one who can make me thaw
I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me
I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me I wouldn't ask you to take care of me Oh, and I wouldn't ask you to take care of me
I wouldn't ask you, baby I wouldn't ask you, baby To be the one I love To be the one I love, I love
We could be- We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright
Caught me by surprise Everything I need in my life I wanna call you mine I wanna be intertwined
We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright We could be so strong We'll be alright, we'll be alright
Feels like I've known you for so long Without you, I don't feel strong Feels like I've known you for so long Without you, I don't feel so strong, yeah So strong (we could be so strong)
See me standing on the corner of Comstock and Waverly in a daze Where I saw my brother speak for the first time since he graduated in the spring Got a cold piece of information to bring to you Said, "Sorry, but I can't stay here while we wait for June" I miss the southern Cosmos and the Zinnias, oh, the Zinnias It comes to me in a dream, in the dead heat and the suffocating wet grip That's got a hold on my mama, it's Marietta's kiss
Quietly, I'm tempted Sure sounds nice to settle down for a whilе Let the real еstate show itself to me I could wake up with a baby in a sling Just a couple doors down from Abigail My sister, man and her ring
Quietly, I'm tempted Sure sounds nice to settle down for a while Let the real estate show itself to me I could wake up with a baby in a sling Just a couple doors down from Abigail My sister, man and her ring
Between the gaps, I was swimming laps Got close to some epiphany I'll convince a friend to join deep ends Have your toes touch the lack of cement
We'll gather to our corner of the woods Echo chambers inside a neighborhood In centerfold, humility's shown You're not as good as what your mama's sewn
Aren't you glad that you reside in a hell and in disguise? Nobody yet everything, a pool to shed your memory Could you say you've even tried? You haven't called your family twice I can hope tonight goes differently, but I show up to the party just to leave
Between the gaps, keep it under wraps How I got to some epiphany I'll convince myself when it turns to 12 The photos keep the sentiment
We'll gather to our corner of the woods Echo chambers inside a neighborhood In centerfold, humility's shown You're not as good as what your mama's sewn
Aren't you glad that you reside in a hell and in disguise? Nobody yet everything, a pool to shed your memory Could you say you even tried? You haven't called your family twice I can hope tonight goes differently, but I show up to the party just to leave
Pulling back, I tried to find the point of wasting precious time I sip and toast to normalcy, a fool's way into jealousy I mock and imitate goodbyes when I know that I can't deny That I'll be here forever-while, I show up to the party just to leave
You move in your ways without a law And I'll force you to feel the weight I'm standing on But the perfect harmony is lost As I watch you fall awake and ask, "What's wrong? Did I really miss all the work you've done?" (All the work I've done)
Calling someone else is only harder I'll explain myself again Take the chance on someone's daughter She makes me feel like I'm the best
The only time I see you smile Is after hours or the finish line But bring yourself to the edge Of the cliff And look upon The animals who wake before us at dawn (all the work they've done)
Comfortable, unmotivated always Seeking other stories other memories I'm sorry I have to hold you longer than you expected It's only temporary
I'll let you walk and make your own discovery That one of these days, I know that you might come back to me
Polaroid of you dancing in my room I want to remember, I think it was about noon It's getting harder to understand, to understand How you felt in my hands, in my hands
And I could be a pretty girl I'll wear a skirt for you And I could be a pretty girl Shut up when you want me to
And I could be a pretty girl Won't ever make you blue And I could be a pretty girl I'll lose myself in you
I was so blinded by you, now I cry Just thinking 'bout the fool that I was I was such a fool I'm alone now, but it's better for me I don't need all your negativity
And I could be a pretty girl I'll wear a skirt for you And I could be a pretty girl Shut up when you want me to
And I could be a pretty girl I'll never make you blue And I could be a pretty girl I'll lose myself in you
Sometimes, I'm just alone Sometimes, I'm just sitting at home Sometimes, I'm just alone Sometimes, I'm just sitting at home
Get high with me On the corner of Main Street Get high with me Get high with me On the corner of Main Street Get high with me
Sometimes, I'm just alone Sometimes, I'm just sitting at home Sometimes, I'm just alone Sometimes, I'm just sitting at home
Get high with me On the corner of Main Street Get high with me Get high with me On the corner of Main Street Get high with me
All I wanna do And all I wanna do And all I wanna do Is get with you
All I wanna do And all I wanna do And all I wanna do Is get with you
Is get with you Is get with you Is get with you
I'd run the risk of losing everything Sell all my things, become nomadic I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might Sell all my things and become the night
Oh, it's hard to believe It's even irrational for me I'm cynical, a mess I'm touch starved and shameless Mm-hmm
But I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time
I'd run the risk of losing everyone I'd sail and say my phone was overboard I'd run the risk, and just in case, I might Take a ship around the world to find
Oh, where you hid the key? It's even irrational for me It's chemical, obsessed I blame you for locking me in Mm-hmm, ah
But I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time
It's always the same Always the same Every time I see someone new I just think of you, nothing I do Can help it now Guess I'll have to find
That I'd rather be alone than a stranger You'd come visit me late at night I'd rather wake up alone than be reminded Of how it was a dream this time It was a dream this time It was a dream this time
Sexy to someone is all I really want Sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want Nothin' more, nothin' less of thought, walkin' through the park Sexy to someone, I think about it all Checkin' out of the hotel or moments at a bar Ask if I'm in a movie, no, I didn't get the part
Sexy to somebody, it would help me out Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house And it's just a little thing I can't live without
Sexy is somethin' I see in everything Honey stickin' to your hands, sugar on the rim Nothin' more, nothin' less of thought, take it all to heart I want afterglowin' and when I call a car Send me eyes with the knowin' that I could pull it off Ask if I'm doin' TV, no, I didn't get the job
Sexy to somebody, it would help me out Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house And it's just a little thing I can't live without
I want to be sexy to someone (is it too much to ask?) I want to be sexy to someone (then what's holdin' you back?) I want to be sexy to someone (it's not too much to ask) Sexy to someone
Sexy to somebody, it would help me out Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house And it's just a little thing I can't live without Sexy to somebody, it would help me out Oh, I need a reason to get out of the house And it's just a little thing I can't live without
It's when you're close enough to touch I've forgotten the point My train of thought destroyed It's when you're loud enough to cut In and through all the noise My train of thought destroyed
And once you get in my ear I see kismet sinking in It's second nature Like the sap from a cedar Rolling down to be near her It's second nature
It's when you're close enough to love I move without a void My train of thought destroyed And when I tell you, it's because I've known you well before My train of thought destroyed
And once you get in my ear I see kismet sinking in It's second nature Like the sap from a cedar Rolling down to be near her It's second nature
Soon you'll realize too How it, it aligns you Ought to know, know the Know the truth
And once you get in my ear I see kismet sinking in It's second nature Like the sap from a cedar Rolling down to be near her It's second nature
Dum, dum, dum, dum
When the moon begins to hide It's not over In the window, turnin' light Does not mean goodbye
And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down I know you've got people to turn to And too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down I know you've got people to turn to
What is it that's keeping one foot out And the other crawling in bed? And what is it that's keeping you alone And leaving after we slow dance?
And we fall back in routine It can't be over And I remember everything You used to know her
I could trace it all the way back I could trace it all the way back
And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh) I know you've got people to turn to And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh) I know you've got people to turn to
What is it that's keeping one foot out And the other crawling in bed? And what is it that's keeping you alone And leaving after we slow dance?
And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh) I know you've got people to turn to And, too, when candles burn out and the record is faded down (ooh-ooh) I know you've got people to turn to
Sometimes I wonder if you were the one When you opened the door, cracked me wide open Somethin' about it doesn't sit right with me And how could it be?
When I walk away, it always comes in threes We don't get on, can't make you laugh, personality But I don't invest the way I'd prefer Someone to in me
I really hate to admit it I put my pride on the line 'Cause when I met you, I knew it I'd thank you for your time I'd thank you for your time Thank you for the time
Sometimes I want somebody to see me How you opened my doors and left them wide open Why doesn't this happen more naturally? If I tried, maybe
When you're lonely, you'll just do anything To drink it all up, the feeling, it's the memory That's when it all aligns, I can really see What you meant to me
I really hate to admit it I put my pride on the line 'Cause when I met you, I knew it I'd thank you for your time I'd thank you for your time Thank you for the time
All because of you All because of you Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh
I really hate to admit it I put my pride on the line 'Cause when I met you, I knew it I'd thank you for your time I'd thank you for your time Thank you for the time
We can go wherever we want The plains, the sand, the salt, the dust You can say whatever you want I don't care, I'm already gone We could drive a mile down the road To get a drink or two, you know
Simple thing, I don't need much to like, I find And I, and I guess I don't cry
It's a simple thing we're all afraid and shy away Now I find I guess I don't shy I guess I don't shy
I guess that I don't cry I guess that I don't shy
Ooh-ooh, ooh Come to me slowly
It's when you talk close enough That I feel it on my skin, breathe it in Most of these days (most of these days) I don't get too intimate Why would I let you in? (Why would I let you in?) But I think again
I don't even try I don't have to think With you, there's no pretending
You know me, you know me And I just might know you too, know you Come to me ready
go dancing (You make me wanna) try on feminine (You make me wanna) go buy a new dress (You make me wanna) slip off a new dress
Don't even try I don't have to think With you, there's no pretending
You know me, you know me And I just might know you too, ooh Come to me slowly
If I could wait for a time to be sad about it, sad about it I'd choose a day when you've gone away And I'm all alone upstate, all the way upstate Do you miss my hands hanging on the back of your neck? It's just somethin' I'm into Do you miss my name, said it in between your breath I remember when I see the moon
Add up my love (ooh) Add up my love Honey, was it enough? (Ooh) Is it ever enough?
If I could wait for a time to be mad about it, mad about it I'd choose a day when you're on your way And I can say it all to your face, say it to your face Do you miss my laugh? Hear it from the back of the room It's just somethin' I miss too Do you miss all the ways I put you in your place? You say you like all of my attitude
Add up my love (ooh) Add up my love Honey, was it enough? (ooh) Is it ever enough?
Add up my love (ooh) Add up my love Honey, was it enough? (Ooh) Is it ever enough? Add up my love (ooh) Add up my love Honey, was it enough? (Ooh) Is it ever enough?
There is something that I need from you And you're the only one that knows And if I told the world I needed you Would you hear your name echo? (Echo)
Our love is meant to be shared While our love goes nowhere
Our love is meant to be shared While our love goes nowhere
I can feel there's something in the between For a moment, I heard you talking to me When I drive, I always check over the seat I could see you right there, waiting on me
I pull on the string that binds me to memories of The way I loved you I push on the door The one I've ignored The one that leads me to you
I can see there's someone looking for me For a moment, I heard the rustle in leaves When I cry, I wanna give you a ring I can breathe with you right there Hold onto me
I dust the windows, the shutters, the channels Where you'd sit, paper and pen Sweeping under rugs The one I was not gonna Gonna dance on again
And if you need to disappear You'll have no reason to be sad at all You'll strike your own matches to logs May catch an eye while you play sad and soft
And if you're walking home alone You'll find a reason, you'll just chalk it up To being different, being young And wonder why no one knew you at all
Oh You're just playin' dumb What's the cost of it, of being loved When close is not close enough? Where's your line, when do you draw When close is not close enough?
Mm, mm Ooh, ooh, ooh
And when you find you're at the pier Playing out moments when there was a touch With strangers touching everywhere You wonder if he knows she's gonna run
Oh It's somethin' you've done Opened my hands and I know I've shed some When close is not close enough (ooh, ooh, ooh) Where's the fun in it? And now I'm too tough From close being just too much
Mm, mm Ooh, ooh, ooh (ah, ah, ah)
claire cottrill:
remember how we both lived in brooklyn at the same fucking time?
remember how we were both depressed in brooklyn at the same fucking time?
did you see me walking out of my apartment with my bags for all those trips?
did you see me on the piers by brooklyn bridge when i was out on my runs at night looking up at the moon?
have you seriously been there for me this whole fucking time claire elizabeth cottrill?
do you truly love me this much?
i fucking love you claire.
you are the love of my life.
you saved my life with your music.
and i am devastatingly in love with you.
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