5 sabrina carpenter songs that got me through rejection, loss, and heartbreak

i've written so much about clairo's "charm", but the truth is: sabrina carpenter's "short 'n sweet" was nearly just as often in my ear this summer. she saved me too.

🌟🌟Taylor Cecelia Brook🌟🌟

:

Queer Safe Spaces, Being Our Most Authentic Selves, and Boomer Americanism.

i would constantly listen to sabrina carpenter during the following experiences:

🩷whenever someone close to me was rejecting me based on my “behavior”

🩷whenever someone close to me was suggesting maybe i really was a “man”

🩷whenever someone close to me was suggesting i wasn’t “attractive” this way

🩷whenever i felt like my whole world was falling apart (it was; but sabrina helped me see, and gave me confidence, that a better one was rendering)

here are the sabrina carpenter songs that meant the most to me in those dark times.

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related:

the propagation of teenage girl music as the antidote to american capitalism

olivia rodrigo for u.s. senate

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i listened to this song so many fucking times in august, and i always sang along:

I won't give a fuck about you
Oh-mm
I won't give a fuck about you
Mm

i won’t give a fuck about you

i won’t give a fuck about you

sabrina sings this over and over, and throughout august, throughout september, even into october, i’m walking around, singing right along, soaking up this energy:

When I love you, I'm sweet like an angel
Drawin' hearts 'round our names and dreamin' of
Writing vows, rocking cradles
Don't mistake my nice for naive

it’s amazing to me: how nice people think i am now, when they meet me!

and you know what!

i am nice! i wasn’t before, but now i am!

but “don’t mistake my nice for naive” —

i won’t be drawing you anymore hearts if you do darling.

sabrina taught me that.

I don't waste a second, I know lots of guys
You do something suspect, as cute as "bye-bye"
Like, ooh, baby, you say you really like it being mine
So let me give you some advice

did i not tell you yet?

future people who might try and keep me captive:

i realized i’m hot.

sorry about that.

here’s some advice that sabrina helped me internalize:

Boy, it's not that complicated
You should stay in my good graces
Or I'll switch it up like that, so fast
'Cause no one's more amazing at turning loving into hatred

Boy, it's not that complicated
You should stay in my good graces

Or I'll switch it up like that (like that), so fast (so fast)
'Cause no one's more amazing at turning loving into hatred

(I won't give a fuck about you, I won't give a fuck about you)
(I won't give a fuck about you) that was cool
(I won't give a fuck about you, I won't give a fuck about you)
(I won't give a fuck about you) yeah

how many times total does she say it?

i only pasted half the lyrics.

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here is what i wrote about a different song (“emily i’m sorry”) by a different artist (boygenius) — the second post on this blog:

the way “emily i’m sorry” so authentically describes this connection with a “same-sex” friend makes me think about same-sex relationships in my younger days that i told myself were about nothing more than sexual exploration but: if i had been willing to embrace myself, if i had not been so afraid to look inside myself, i would have known there were stronger feelings at play. the tragedy is to have had those feelings pass through me unenjoyed, unsavored. i’ve heard lucy dacus say she wishes she had a more “joyful” experience exploring her sexuality, and that is so on point and also i feel like it’s about so much beyond sexuality.

i feel like this is still so true when i look back on my early adulthood:

where was the joy in sexual exploration???

and that applies irrespective of the gender matchups!

i know the truth: the people in power did not want me to be joyful about sex.

but now i do want to be joyful about sex, and i feel that way listening to sabrina.

my favorite part of this song is the fun of it all:

she clearly does not really know this person,

but she has a sense for their bed chem and she wants it bad,

bad enough to be joyful about her desire and her own sexuality.

I was in a sheer dress, the day that we met
We were both in a rush, we talked for a sec
Your friend hit me up, so we could connect
And what are the odds you send me a text?

And now the next thing I know, I'm like
Manifest that you're oversized
I digress, got me scrollin' like
Out of breath, got me going like (ooh)

Who's the cute boy with the white jacket and the thick accent? Like, ooh
Maybe it's all in my head

But I bet we'd have really good bed chem
How you pick me up, pull 'em down, turn me 'round, oh, it just makes sense
How you talk so sweet when you're doing bad things, that's bed chem
How you're looking at me, yeah, I know what that means and I'm obsessed
Are you free next week? I bet we'd have really good

sabrina is completely unafraid to get dirty in her lyrics,

another aspect of her music that i love when it comes to raw sexual expression:

Come right on me, I mean camaraderie
Said you're not in my time zone but you wanna be
Where art thou? Why not uponeth me?
See it my mind, let's fulfill the prophecy (ooh)

and another thing i love about sabrina:

she integrates all the magical vocabulary — her music hums with manifestations, prophecies, and the occasional middle english pronoun.

and all of this swirls together into a kind of sex magic:

Who's the cute guy with wide blue eyes and the big bad mh? Like, ooh
I know I sound a bit redundant

But I bet we'd have really good bed chem

“bed chem” is an expression of guilt-free consensual sexuality — sabrina is unafraid to get dirty, to get raw, and to get joyful all at the same time.

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“slim pickins” seems to pair nicely with chappell roan’s “femininomenon” -- chappell is crying out for something like bjork’s “venus as a boy,” and sabrina is complaining — “serving up moanin’ and bitchin’” lol — about the “slim pickins” on hand.

in all honesty i see the “old me” — the performance of me — everywhere in this song: when i was performing as a man, i was not great in most of my relationships, and not just the romantic ones.

i listen to sabrina and it’s like she’s complaining about me.

in that sense, the song helps me reflect on my past, on who i used to be, and so listening to it can be a kind of penance:

now i’m the one expressing my emotions in a grandiose way while pleading “i am not dramatic, these are just the thoughts that pass right through me” (fucking mindfulness sabrina??? i love your lyrics) while people call me “unwell.”

Guess I'll end this life alone
I am not dramatic, these are just the thoughts that pass right through me
All the douchebags in my phone
Play 'em like a slot machine, if they're winnin', I'm just losing

A boy who's jacked and kind
Can't find his ass to save my life

this perfect boy — “jacked and kind” — seems to be an impossibility, and so sabrina settles for the shitty ones:

Oh, it's slim pickins
If I can't have the one I love, I guess it's you that I'll be kissin'
Just to get my fixins
Since the good ones are deceased or taken
I'll just keep on moanin' and bitchin'
Ah, ah
Ah, ah

sabrina continues another theme from chappell as well:

the general stupidity of these boys, who just stand there not really able to talk about anything, not even willing to dance, unthoughtful about their clothes and appearance and way of being in the world.

Jesus, what's a girl to do?
This boy doesn't even know the difference between there, their, and they are
Yet he's naked in my room
Missin' all the things he's missin', God knows that he isn't livin' large

i think about this often:

the small world, the small mind of a “man” as a “man” is supposed to be: he is so focused on business, economics, politics, the news, sports, the yard, home improvement! the depth of art, the movements of dance, the position of the stars at his first breath are among the most distant elements from the outer fringes of his unnecessarily empty and materialistic reality. these men are goddesses deep down, but they behave as if they were ants, and they are unable to interact with butterflies:

that, to me, is at the core of the issue.

so long as the issue continues, sabrina is left with her lamentations:

A boy who's nice that breathes
I swear he's nowhere to be seen

It's slim pickins
If I can't have the one I love, I guess it's you that I'll be kissin'
Just to get my fixings
Since the good ones are deceased or taken
I'll just keep on moanin' and bitchin'

Moaning and bitchin'

Since the good ones call their exes wasted
And since the Lord forgot my gay awakenin'
Then I'll just be here in the kitchen servin' up some moanin' and bitchin'

on the other hand, listening to this song reminds me:

i am not performing as an ant anymore.

i’m a butterfly too now.

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sabrina follows up “slim pickins” with a song of the polar opposite tone:

in this song, she has actually found the man she’s dreaming about,

and the whole tone of this song — a shameless expression of desire — was such a joy to listen to on those dark days when i was alone and afraid.

the song gave me hope:

i can feel like this too: it’s not just “slim pickins” for me.

sabrina helped me understand that.

that i could find someone who just gets it:

Mm, ah-ah, mm

Don't have to tell your hot ass a thing
Oh, yeah, you just get it
Whole package, babe, I like the way you fit
God bless your dad's genetics, mm, ah

that i could have such a joyful sexual experience i’d be wearing fuzzy pink handcuffs:

You make me wanna make you fall in love
Oh, late at night I'm thinkin' 'bout you, ah
Wanna try out my fuzzy pink handcuffs?
Oh, I hear you knockin', baby, come on up

that i could be this fucking impulsive when it comes to my sexuality:

I know you want my touch for life
If you love me right, then who knows?
I might let you make me Juno
You know, I just might let you lock me down tonight
One of me is cute, but two though?
Give it to me, baby
You make me wanna make you fall in love (oh)

that i could find someone who found me so attractive they might objectify me in a satisfying way:

I showed my friends, then we high-fived
Sorry if you feel objectified
Can't help myself, hormones are high
Give me more than just some butterflies (ooh)

that i could find someone with whom i might try the freakiest positions:

You make me wanna make you fall in love
Oh, late at night I'm thinkin' 'bout you, ah
Wanna try out some freaky positions?
Have you ever tried this one?

I know you want my touch for life
If you love me right, then who knows?
I might let you make me Juno
You know, I just might let you lock me down tonight
One of me is cute, but two though?
Give it to me, baby
You make me wanna make you fall in love

that i could find someone with whom i could just basically be a fucking animal:

Adore me, hold me and explore me
Mark your territory
Tell me I'm the only, only, only, only one
Adore me, hold me and explore me
I'm so fuckin' horny
Tell me I'm the only, only, only, only one

Oh, I know you want my touch for life
If you love me right, then who knows?
I might let you make me Juno
You know, I just might let you lock me down tonight
One of me is cute, but two though?
Give it to me, baby
You make me wanna make you fall in love

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at first i didn’t really listen to this song,

but then some others —

Lilly | A Fraction of My Mind

— directed me to listen again and i realized:

this song is the perfect end to this album (as i experience the album).

why?

because this song is like a lullaby,

reassuring me that i soon won’t have any need for the people who rejected me.

i’ll be able to tell all of them, when they realize the mistake they made:

Don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over
Oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her

they made my heart heavy; they shut me down and ignored my feelings; and now they are not invited to the fun, because they stole so much of my ability to have fun.

My heart is heavy now, it's like a hundred pounds
It's falling faster than the way you love to shut me down
I think I need a shower, my friends are taking shots
You think it's happy hour, for me it's not

i keep saying i’ve let go,

but i know sabrina is right.

i’ll always have that hum in the back of my mind:

(i want you to miss me, i want you to miss me)

Don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over
Oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her
Don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over
(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)
Oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her
(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)

and i’m going to keep spilling my feelings out onto this blog, just like sabrina models for me when she steps up to her microphone.

but i’m going to try to start going out more; i won’t let them keep ruining me with the bed bugs they put in my mind (thanks beabadoobee), and i won’t give into the temptations i will face to call them and try to make them really like me.

Pour my feelings in the microphone
I stay in and when the girls come home
I want one of them to take my phone, take my phone and lose your number
I don't wanna be tempted
Pick up when you wanna fall back in
You can fake it, but you know I know, know I know (don't)

Don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over
Oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her (ah, mm)
Don't smile because it happened, baby, cry because it's over
(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)
Oh, you're supposed to think about me every time you hold her
(I want you to miss me, I want you to miss me)

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thank you sabrina:

your music truly helped me.

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related:
5 lucy dacus songs to process religious trauma
7 clairo songs for processing romantic experience
why my haim crocs are so special to me
5 girly pop albums that helped me escape unwanted boyhood
5 songs that helped me embrace my queerness

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don’t forget:

butterfly rising #3: fuck israel, fuck the new york times, fuck fundamentalist "christianity", and FREE PALESTINE