why my haim crocs are so special to me

as another substacker, kristen garaffo, recently reminded us, "the vibes are literally everything"

until recently, i had never truly picked out my own clothes. of course, i had gone to the store where i selected and purchased clothing… but i never allowed myelf to have a vision of what i wanted, and i never let myself go anywhere near the feminine apparel which always caught my eyes. i would confine myself to selecting clothing - mostly very dark - from the men’s section, based on my interpretation of men’s fashion rubrics

my understanding of men’s fashion was always extremely vague. nothing about men’s fashion even remotely interested me, and the idea of buying clothes filled me with dread. once i was being measured by a tailor for a new suit. he kept asking me questions about my preferences regarding various specific variations on how the pants might fit or whatever: i don’t even know. and right there, i was so overwhelmed: what did i care about how my suit looked? nothing about the suit made me feel good about myself. the suit was for other people. the purpose of this suit was not to make me feel good. the purpose of this suit was to earn other people’s approval of me. i stuck with dark grey, which i felt was a better way to express myself than black

i spiraled with anxiety as these basic questions kept coming. finally, i blurted out, my whole face contorted with an angst that made the scampering attendants visibly uncomfortable: “just make me look like any other man!”

it was terrible. all around me there were colors and styles i knew that i loved, but i did not dare reach out for them, especially since my father was with me

now, having embraced my genderfluidity, i have finally been selecting my own clothing based on my own criteria! and i just fucking love it!!! but i admit, i still sometimes find myself slipping into the same mentality i held when i was trying my best to act out the behaviors and tastes of a cishet man, except it’s a bit different now

now i want to look hot, i want to look pretty, i want to look good!and obviously the internet is a tempting place to search for ways to achieve these abstract goals

and one of my favorite reads on the internet so far this week was

Kristen Garaffo

’s post “the hot girls guide to cleaning your closet.” what kristen emphasizes is what seems to be a core life philosophy for her, and it is such a great philosophy: vibe!

“You don’t have to do it exactly like this, but remember, the vibes are literally everything. Have a moment with each of your garments, check in with how they make you feel, then make your piles accordingly.”

and beyond vibe: feelings! connection and relationships with our clothes!

“The vibes in my closet after 5 hours of work are fierce. As I sifted through my dresses that hung in my closet post-edit, little butterflies fluttered in my tummy. Each garment felt like a friend, and I found myself complimenting each of them, one by one. It went something like,

Hey gorg!
Ugh, you’re stunning.
Loooove
You’re gorgeous!
Bestieeee
YES
I love you!!

The only garments that remain in my closet now are all “hell yes” pieces. Pieces that I love wearing, and can’t wait to put on my body again.”

please go check kristen’s full article out for yourself!

i just love the way kristen emphasizes the connection between feelings and clothing: fashion is not about trying to interpret someone else’s standards of hotness and then apply them uncertainly to yourself! fashion, to me, is about how what we are wearing makes us feel

do we feel connected to ourselves or alienated from ourselves?

do we look at ourselves and see ourselves or do we see someone we are not?

do we wake up excited to put on new clothes or we dread the moment of choice?

do we meet other people and really feel like we are putting forward our authentic selves in terms of the way we are dressed? or are we taking on some other identity?

do we love the way we look? do we love to think about how we look in our clothes?

to me, these are such important questions, but another question is the emotional attachment between the wearer and the objects itself, which kristen so beautifully emphasizes.

The Hot Girls Guide To Cleaning Your Closet

i recently learned the hard way what can happen when we apply the answers to these questions. when i came out as queer, it did not go well with many people. i was shocked. i bought a print of a witch at night, floating through the air on a string with her cat, and i said: “this is who i am inside.” i thought for sure he would love my for my mere existence. but for me to wear girly things… to step outside the expectations of gender, adulthood, and maturity… to simply embrace and wear the things that truly made me feel connected to who i was inside… this was too much a violation of the norms which he had internalized. i had finally chosen things for myself, and there were people in this world who were horrified by me.

i sent one friend a picture of the haim crocs. they are so perfect: full of haim cut-outs: they look like a collage that a 12-year-old girl made in her bedroom (picture below).

i texted another friend about how i went to target with my hair tied back in a pink pony tail, a pink women’s shirt on with the sleeves rolled up to my shoulders, butterflies dangling from the 15 pink purple yellow blue bracelets on my wrists. i told him how i’d never felt so good being in public! and it was true. for the first time in my entire life, i can sustain eye contact with people, even strangers! i could toss my hands freely through my hair!

but strangers are friendlier to me than some of my old friends. this one ignored me.

it’s so hard to step outside the standards we are assigned, whether that means deviating from our assigned gender norms or simply letting go of our beliefs about what will make us “hot” or even simply just “acceptable” to other people. it does take real courage to embrace what makes us feel hot when we think about ourselves

if we want to feel hot, we need to connect with our clothing, even hold intimate conversations with our clothing items like kristen suggests: we need the vibes that kristen so convincingly urges us to nurture. i read this somewhere, maybe it was here, someone please tell me where it came from: “hotness is a feeling.” so fucking true.

the first time i ever bought crocs, i wanted so many of the brightly colored girly ones but i was too afraid. i bought these absurd, basically industrial solid black rocks: they looked like crocs you could take out into the construction yard. my friends laughed their asses off and made fun of me to the point i got rid of my crocs!

but now, when someone makes fun of what i am wearing, i never have the slightest inclination to get rid of it. someone looked at my crocs and said, “maybe those would be good for a child.” i just laugh at this stuff. know why? because i love what i’m wearing and it makes me feel great about myself. that’s what truly matters. when someone makes fun of me, i always look down at my accessories and smile. now that i am using my clothing to truly express and connect with myself, i do not depend on the affirmation of other people: of course i want it, but its lack doesn’t slow me down

thank you so much for reading my diary! please subscribe for posts direct to your e-mail!

for 5 dollars a month, upgrade to paid and gain access to:

• frequent photography posts (likely 4-5 paid per month - most of these will be paid)

• occasional paid subscriber only specials

• occasional video / audio posts

• and more to come 💖

20% of all revenue i raise per month after fees will go to LGBTQ fund of the Grand Rapids Community Foundation, an organization in my community. 💖

i consider your contribution to be support for my writing, which i want to mostly keep free here, and these extras are a token of my thank you 💖

all other content will remain free! 💖