now i understand: why we must share our trauma

some reflections from my recent experiences sharing details about my trauma through various mediums on the internet

from my motel room (subdued Faith mode)

it’s no secret that i am extremely vulnerable on this blog.

i believe it is important to authentically share our experiences because if we do so, then all of us will learn and benefit.

but now i see that i have not always been so clear on this point.

since coming out in july, i have really struggled with the people who do whatever they can to avoid responding to the details of what i am actually telling them.

these people have repeatedly demonstrated to me that what matters most are not my feelings. no, what matters to them is “appropriateness.” what matters to them is “professionalism.” what matters to them is that i use a “respectful tone” and work to define them in my writing as “good people” rather than share true detail.

i am trying to express the details of my trauma, but these people want to teach me about the “true purpose of linkedin” and the “opportunities” i am missing out on from telling the world about my job:

i ask them for examples of these “opportunities.” they talk about “money.” they tell me there are “important people” on linkedin who won’t like my posts.

i try to explain to them what i love most about linkedin:

no one likes my posts. when i go on linkedin i’m like radioactive material.

but they don’t think that’s funny. i want to laugh with them about linkedin but:

they are more concerned about me having fun on linkedin than they are about reflecting upon the details of what i am trying to tell them. they seem to have this idea that there are these people out there on linkedin who will punish me for my posts.

then they read posts like this one and tell me i am “attacking” people:

my choice at 16: stop masturbating or burn in hell (salvation chronicles 1)

i try to say,

“i am only sharing the details of what happened.”

and then they say,

“well it seems like you’re trying to hurt people.”

what i have noticed most of all when sharing my trauma:

others, always people who have experienced trauma but never share it,

are eager to silence me by assigning abstract and malevolent intentions to my “concerning behavior,” which is often connected to the way in which i am sharing details from my experiences.

they see headlines like this one and they look at me with the most disturbed faces:

fuck your parents: 5 reasons why

i tell them,

“people really benefited from reading about the experiences in that post!”

and they say,

“fuck your parents???”

they literally don’t read beneath the surface of the title itself.

and even if they do read my posts,

they tell me:

“you are spending too much time on the internet.”

“your tone is concerning.”

my favorite: “you’re posting a lot.”

i understand now that these people will never see beneath the surface of things.

they speak almost exclusively with abstract concepts.

everything i say is immediately categorized into a meaningless abstraction, and then rather than responding to the details of what i am trying to tell them, they respond to the abstraction which they have assigned to me.

there is nothing i can do to make them stop categorizing me.

their minds do this automatically.

i see this now and i give up with them.

this is why i am more at peace today.

photo my own (today — outside traverse city)

but at the same time, i must admit:

in the past, when i was deeply depressed, i did often feel so much agony about the people who surrounded me but did not like me.

i would fantasize abstractly about “destroying” or “humiliating” them. i thought i needed to threaten them to make them stop hurting me.

and then i had a phase after i came out where i wanted to make them listen to me:

what my anger taught me about my ego

i know where this came from:

accumulated frustration.

but now i realize:

expressing my trauma in order to make people listen to me can only lead me down a path toward anger, transforming me into a person i do not want to be:

our anger and the images in our minds (willow rage mode aftermath)

and finally i realized that if i argue too much with these people, then i too will end up categorizing them into defined objects. i too will objectify others.

i too won’t listen.

there is no such thing as a transphobe (M and W: a clarification)

so now i finally understand the real reason why we must share our trauma.

the real reason why we must share our trauma is neither vengeance nor retribution, neither punishment nor destruction.

the real reason why we must share our trauma is that only by sharing our trauma can we help others overcome their trauma.

in the past two months, so many of you have sent me so many wonderful messages, left so many beautiful comments: you have constantly shown me the real reason for sharing my trauma. the real reason why i even passed through the trauma to begin with!

you have given my trauma purpose.

my audience has taken my trauma and learned from it.

i understand now:

this is the purpose of my trauma now.

i understand: that is why i cannot stop writing.

and so that is why:

you're never fucking muting me again (an open letter)

thank you so much to the girlie writers on substack.

you have given me purpose.

you have shown me why sharing my trauma has value,

and as i have watched you share yours, i have felt inspired to share more of mine.

i love you all so much.

i love you and i truly hope that you are happy right now.

you have saved me during this process.

eloise butterfly
(they / she)
💗🌸🎀

i miss my baby

from snow leopard to butterfly: making crystals in my soul (or am i a flower?)

extract:

this is because i am afraid to go outside.

i have friends i am afraid to call, people i am afraid to see, things i am afraid to do.

at the same time, i have this sense that i do want to be alone, or maybe need to be alone at this time. i need to develop my spirituality; i need to see beneath the surface of things; when i go into society, i cannot tell: what is real, what is not real? i know that i am delusional about reality but i do know not how.

what i know: the mountains are my portal into the true reality.

what i need: to be alone in those mountains.

what i am: the mountain range; but not only the mountain range.

i am also the glacial snow, compacted over thousands of years,

and finally i am melting into my essence,

i am melting back into the ocean,

i am melting back into the sea.

photo my own (nepal 2019)