5 weekly readings — on fulfillment (girls' trip; birthdays; girly substack; inner child; new year values)
readings from Kristen, Taylor, Freya, Martina, and Michela
more weekly readings:
going abroad and personal transformation
discourse on our culture and girls
on finding and embracing ourselves
the magic of the night
perspectives on christianity & spirituality
why you should care what taylor swift thinks
below: killarney national park, ireland
right now i am facing new beginnings:
toward the end of 2024, i was homeless for six weeks, living in motels, and by the time i moved into an apartment i was so shellshocked i had no motivation to furnish the place! i had forgotten what
taught me so long ago — “the vibes are literally everything” — but now i have finally started putting the place together!i moved into my apartment with nothing but a suitcase and backpack: the emptiness of it all was overwhelming. now i see how i am starting to build a home for myself here, finally. at least in my physical space.
i even put a crib together alone! which if you know me and my abilities with furniture: this was an impressive feat to add to my portfolio.
this is my first time living alone in fact, which is a double-edged sword — on the one hand it means i can pursue Kristen’s call to cultivate vibes, and i can cultivate vibes however i see fit; on the other hand i’m alone and everything is quite overwhelming. yet: my home is coming together, and i’m making progress!
i just need to keep learning the lessons Kristen taught me so long ago that led to this piece (a whole piece of mine inspired by Kristen!):
why my haim crocs are so special to me
until recently, i had never truly picked out my own clothes. of course, i had gone to the store where i selected and purchased clothing… but i never allowed myelf to have a vision of what i wanted, and i never let myself go anywhere near the feminine apparel which always caught my eyes. i would confine myself to selecting clothing - mostly very dark - f…
socially, i’ve still been isolated, mostly my own doing. i need to put myself out there more: i need to join sports leagues, go see live music, get involved with something, apply for jobs! i have been in the hermit mode for far too long. so when i read
’s piece (below) about a trip to Chicago to see her friend, i was immediately reminded of how special every trip i’ve ever taken to see a friend has been! i love being able to connect with someone and have the simplest activities mean something; Kristen lists them, simple tasks so special with a friend: “errands at Target,” “walked on the treadmill,” “treated ourselves to sushi.”i know i need to cultivate these friendships in grand rapids too, but reading Kristen’s piece made me realize:
i’ve had so many of these special moments in my life while visiting friends too! and i love that Kristen’s piece took me back into that world.
Pro Tip: Take the Girl’s Trip!
:Awa is on tour with a show now, and even though it ran in DC, I had an idea that I should see the show in Chicago, to take a trip and make a memory out of it. I called her out of the blue to tell her and she said “YES. DONE!” and that was it. I’m fortunate enough to have a job that I can take on the go, and we both chatted about having time in a new city to just be. We didn’t make any major plans because it was a working trip for both of us, but also because we didn’t need to. We literally just wanted to vibe, and that’s exactly what we did.
We ran errands at Target. We walked on the treadmill at her apartment gym. We treated ourselves to sushi. I worked while she performed, and of course, saw her show while I was in town. It was just a bunch of little everyday joys—good food, great convos, and inside jokes formed in real time (I’ll spare you, hehe)
If you’ve read my previous posts from this year, you know I’m prioritizing friendships in 2025. Perhaps it’s just because I work from home and could very easily stay cooped up in my house all day, but I really want to make an effort to love and support my friends this year. I want to be the friend who shows up. I want to be the friend who celebrates her friends' successes. I want to be the friend who calls you up just to say hi and check in. It’s so easy to get caught up in work and life and responsibilities that friendship gets tossed to the back burner. But your relationships are so worthy of being invested in.
Taylor Cecelia Brook (inspiration to bring back the weekly readings!)
the second reading is from
, someone i love so much!, and her thoughts on substack made me realize: i need to get over my hesitancies and bring back the weekly readings! when Taylor writes about her struggles and fears surrounding interactions with other substackers, i realize i’ve had these same fears — maybe the weekly readings were a waste of time; maybe there’s no point in commenting on other substacks; and then, despite knowing all of this is bullshit and that actually interacting on substack has been such a blessing for me, “it’s still really challenging for me to constantly be creating discourse with people on substack” (Taylor).this all just made me realize — the weekly readings are one way i try to create “discourse with people on substack” and the weekly readings were a way for me to engage with other substacks! i literally listed “read girly substacks” in my “release the Goddess within” post…. time to follow my own advice and bring back the weekly readings to build back the habit. i’ve analyzed myself out of it, like Taylor describes herself analyzing her way out of providing encouraging comments, but there’s so much to be gained from participating in the discourse here on substack!
girly substack was the first world i found that accepted me fully when i came out as non-binary, and i don’t want to lose that connection with this world: it was through substack i gained “10 windows into the girly life i craved but never got.”
even though it’s been difficult for me to prioritize engagement on substack lately, i realize now that i am re-starting my life with my new apartment, new furniture, new city: i need girly substack to be a part of my life!!!
Why I Suck at Substack
:I WANT to provide long winded encouraging comments. But does the author actually want that? I also am so worried that I’m going to come across the wrong way. I have spent most of my life with people misinterpreting the words I say because of my face or my tone. I have spent 2 years now trying to work on that through communication podcasts, books, my MASTERS, like I’ve put in serious work on it. But you can’t do that as well via written word.
-Part of the overwhelm comes from the sheer concept of trying to interact with people. I legit feel anxiety and sadness around this. Because I know how hard this is for me. I’ve struggled with social media my whole life. I’ve always wanted to be one of the IG baddies or TIKTOK stars….. but I HATE social media. It just a mind suck for me that I get addicted to. And while substack is SO different from that, it’s still really challenging for me to constantly be creating discourse with people on Substack.
I can talk about me forever lol clearly you all have seen that. I can praise my friends, I LOVE sharing their work on here. I’ve developed so many friendships on this platform that has so much value to me. But even then, I still struggle with interacting with them on the reg.
Often it feels like if you don’t have the time to spend all day on here, you won’t go anywhere. BUT THAT”S NOT TRUE. SO WHY AM I LYING TO MYSELF?!?!?!?!?!?! I KNOW from working with the wonderful Tom Kuegler and Sarah Fay, that I really DON”T need to be on here all day every day. But does my brain like to EVER remember that? Hell Fucking No.
Freya: awakening my inner child (and darker themes!)
Freya writes so beautifully, and re-engaging with her writing was one of my favorite parts of completing this post.
when she writes about her inner child, i think about my own inner child. before i wrote my memoir pieces here — “my middle school memoir” and “my choice at 16: stop masturbating or burn in hell” — i had not really thought of my inner child and the scars that inner child still carried within me.
now i see that caring for my inner child is so vital to my own fulfillment in life: bringing out my inner child and all the things that made them special. my inner child was trying to teach herself japanese on the internet, making Zelda fan websites that actually drove traffic, and even writing whole novels that she read aloud to friends! my inner child wanted to be a girl; now i am free to do any “girly” thing i want.
Freya has a separate situation and a darker conclusion, but what i love most about her writing is how effortlessly she synthesizes to contradictory feelings. on the one hand, she writes that “inside, i’m the little girl my sister still is” — on the other hand, she “mourn[s] her younger self and the fact [her] little sister will never meet her.” as a result she builds to a sad conclusion, one similar to those i often come to: “My stomach churns with the burden of time and knowledge. I’m grieving the future and what it might look like. I fear the time in my sister’s life where she leaves her younger self to rot and becomes harder, sharpening her edges before anyone cuts her.”
i just love this — i love this whole piece for the way she captures so many feelings in such small spaces. i love freya’s writing and this is just an example of how fulfilled i am to be re-engaged with her writing. she captures so well this hopeless feeling — the younger self, left to rot, and the forces which keep the younger self inside; still, there are glimmers here and there of her own inner child, still alive.
i felt this way for so long — but at 37, i’ve finally been able to bring back some of my inner child, the little child who looked at the world anew — writing novels, learning languages, inventing worlds, making friends, and being my true self beneath the fabricated layers strapped onto us in adulthood. it’s Freya who helps remind me of that — when she says “inside, i’m the little girl my sister still is”, she reminds me that inside, i still have my inner child alive.
but there is so much more to this piece by Freya: she describes to compellingly her connection with her sister and her place in the family. essential reading!
My mirror has legs and a laugh
I think have a distorted sense of self. At least, who I think I am is not who my parents think I am, and honestly I don’t know who’s correct. The mirror is clouded with doubt and memory and I want to scrub at the glass.
I’m harsh, prickly, sarcastic, even cold. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve at all. In fact, I think I usually leave it behind in my jewellery box. I’m not very fun, or even very funny, and I was the age of 30 by the time I turned 10.
Inside, though, I’m the little girl my sister still is and I see her every time I look in the mirror of my younger sibling. The girl inside me that’s crawled into the space behind my ribs in the hopes that I’ll one day let her laugh again.
To everyone she meets, my little sister is my brother’s mini-me, but to me she’s the reincarnation of the girl I once was who knew how to laugh and get grass stains on her knees and lick ice cream from where it dripped on her hand.
I mourn my younger self and the fact that my little sister will never meet her. They’ll never get to play badminton together in the garden or play snakes and ladders at the kitchen table. They’ll never make banana bread together and use hair chalk to turn their matching brown hair pink. I think my sister would have liked her even more than the big sister she loves.
I’m sick with grief and it tightens my chest every time I look into my sister’s big brown eyes and lament the loss of everything I was and the girl I never got to be. She’s looking at me with a smile and has no idea how sick it makes me.
My stomach churns with the burden of time and knowledge. I’m grieving the future and what it might look like. I fear the time in my sister’s life where she leaves her younger self to rot and becomes harder, sharpening her edges before anyone cuts her.
Freya also expresses the difficulty of letting out the inner child when the pressure rides on her: “My sister always comes to me or her mum for comfort. Because we’re pillars. If only they realised how close I was to crumbling. There was no foundation to begin with.”
Martina (making the most of the year)
Martina created a great guide to making the most of the new year, one i was finally reading today! shame on me and i’m so sorry
! what i love about this guide is how she emphasizes values first — before goals.when i think about how socially isolated i’ve been in the past, i think about how i wasn’t making connection a “core value” in my life. i’ve always been great at coming up with goals around productivity — writing, reading, running — and i’ve also always been good at completing goals in the workplace.
but now i realize thanks to Martina that what i haven’t been doing is approaching my goals for a year after first establishing values — and for this year, i need to make connection one of my values.
this is another reason why i am so excited to be bringing back the weekly readings but also — i need to get out there into the world more!!! there are people out there who would like me; i just need to make connection one of my core values.
Making the Most of 2025
“When I was younger, my New Year’s ritual was all about inspiration boards and lists of goals, and it still is to some extent. But back then, I was trying to “rebrand” myself by manifesting things like having a better wardrobe, going on an incredible vacation, or achieving my dream body. It’s still cool to want those things, but now, as cheesy as it sounds, my focus has shifted to finding peace, figuring out what I love and hate, and all that. As I’ve moved through my twenties, I’ve realized it’s not about “what” I want to be, but who I want to be.
For the past three years, I’ve focused on values instead, and this has truly changed the game. Here’s your homework: take a moment to reflect and identify five core values that you want to embody in 2025. If you’re not sure where to start, you can find lists of values online! Feel free to browse anywhere, and really think about it.”
Michela (birthday reflections)
i always love the way
writes when she is reflecting on her life, and this reflection on her birthday is just another example of that: she makes me think about my own struggles to make my birthday special. and like mine, her birthday is in the winter (happy belated birthday !!!), when it’s cold and options for outdoor get-togethers are few — overall she just made me think of the struggle to make my birthday special.i’ve always wanted my birthday to be special, but i’ve seldom taken action to do so. this year my birthday — december 26th — was not a good one. i was sad, lonely, and on the verge of checking into a mental treatment program. and yet Michela inspires me with ways i can make my birthday special, in my mind as a way of caring for myself next year — “It may still be February, but I’ve learned to embrace it for what it is—just another opportunity to appreciate the present, the people around me, and the simple joys that life has to offer.”
that said, i do want to have a party next year! and i will!
A Birthday Letter to Myself: Chapter 23 Unlocked
:“As a kid, I felt a little bit left out, especially since my friends born in the warmer months seemed to have the best birthdays. They’d have parties outdoors, in the sun, by the pool, or even on vacation—how cool is that? Meanwhile, I was stuck with limited options: indoor parties with a handful of decorations, and the weather? Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly birthday-perfect. But despite all that, I always tried to focus on the positive and make the best of it. I mean, a birthday is a birthday, no matter what the weather's like, right?
As I grew older, though, the whole birthday thing started to shift for me. It became less about the big, traditional parties and more about making the day feel like mine. No more parents organizing everything with my school friends, where the only thing I got to choose was the design for the cake (yes, it was always the same, a simple drawing with a "Happy Birthday" written in colorful icing). Instead, I started to look at my birthday as a chance to do something fun, relaxing, and just what I wanted to do. Maybe it’s going out to dinner with loved ones, spending a quiet day at home, or even just indulging in a little me-time. As I’ve gotten older, it’s all about the little moments that make me smile, and those are the moments I try to celebrate the most. It may still be February, but I’ve learned to embrace it for what it is—just another opportunity to appreciate the present, the people around me, and the simple joys that life has to offer.”
i also loved that
shared little life lessons she’s picked up along the way.whenever i’ve read Michela in the past i’ve found so much wisdom in her reflections on life and i loved to read her advice here!
i’ve pulled out my favorites.
Over the years, I’ve picked up little lessons—some deep, some ridiculously simple, but all of them have shaped me in one way or another. So, in the spirit of birthdays and self-reflection, here are 23 things I’ve learned in 23 years
My favorites:
The "perfect time" to start something doesn’t exist. Just do it.
People remember how you make them feel, not what you say.
Sometimes, you just need to romanticize your life a little.
The best moments are usually unplanned.
No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. Everyone out there is busy thinking about themselves and their own lives.
It’s important to surround yourself with the right people, those who uplift you rather than those who make you feel second best.
You’re allowed to change, evolve, and not have it all figured out. And you don’t always have to justify yourself to others. If you want to change, just do it.
“But more than anything, I’ve met so many smart and inspiring people who, through their words, have made me reflect a lot. They’ve made me think about how important it is to accept ourselves for who we are, what makes us unique, and what makes us strong.”
Thank you doll face. I am SO proud of you for making your space YOURS. I have a baby and a doggo version of those angel figurines! I love them so much. They sit together with Lily and Pipers (my last dog) urns ❤️❤️
My goal with that post was exactly this. Thank you for reminding me with you're own my friend ❤️❤️❤️
thank you so much for mentioning my post! i’m so happy it resonated with you 🥹🥹